Constant war between siblings

[itsallscone]

Hello I am beginning to lose my patience with my Ds 8 (he may be ASD), the reason being whenever my Dd 4 is playing using a banana as a phone or playing in the snow in the living room (honestly you would of thought there was real snow all over the floor!! ) Ds always has to keep telling her that the phone isn't a phone it is a banana and there is no snow, its as though she just can not have an imagination! I have told him til I am blue in the face that she is just using her imagination and pretending x y z but he just isn't having any of it then Dd gets very frustrated because he keeps telling her whatever isn't what she is pretending it is!!! and it just gets ridiculous, is this the norm for a child with ASD or can anyone suggest a different way for me to handle it?

TIA

I could have written your post! I feel your pain.

We have exactly the same problem with ds1 (10, with AS) and dd (4 next week and NT).

She is highly imaginative, will use any object as a toy and loves to pretend to be animals etc. Ds1 really cannot stand it and goes on and on at her - "you are not a dog, you are a little girl" "it's not a boat, it's a box" etc, etc - ad infinitum! Aaargh! Sometimes he gets really wound up and agitated by it and they both end up in tears.

We tell him not to do it every time. He knows he has AS and that that means he uses his imagination in a different way to many people, he knows that her behaviour is that of a 'typical' 4 year old girl and he knows it upsets dd, but it doesn't matter how many times we tell him, he will not stop doing it.

I think it does genuinely does distress him though, as he really cannot process why she is behaving the way she is and I have to keep reminding myself that it's hard for both of them and he's not just doing it to be mean.

The only other thing we do is read books about what it means to have AS together and keep up the dialogue about how having AS impacts on the way he thinks and processes things, so that he starts to understand that his way isn't wrong and neither is hers - they're just different and that they both have to be tolerant of each others' ways.

I also talk to dd in simple terms about how ds1 thinks about things a different way to her and that that's ok, but that he isn't allowed to tell her what she can and can't do.

Finally, we have a little conversation that we use on repeat with ds.

"Ds are you an adult?"
"No"
"Are you dd's parent, grandparent or teacher?"
"No, I'm her brother"
"Right then, well unless you are and adult and either her parent, grandparent or teacher - you don't have the right to tell her what to do, do you?"
"No, but .... she x, I just y, she z .... etc"
"No, the rules in this house are that only parents, grandparents and teachers - or anyone else those people give permission to can make the rules and tell the children what to do - OK?"
"Ok" (with added grump! )

I wish I had the answer, all I can think of is to keep reinforcing the message over and over every time he does it, but blimey - it's like living in Groundhog day sometimes.

I will be watching this thread with interest.

zzzzz

Dd already says that - to no effect, unfortunately.

Dd "woof, woof, wag, wag - I'm a dog, look at me wagging my tail"
Ds1 "you haven't got a tail, because you're not a dog, you're a little girl"
Dd "I know I'm not a dog. I'm pertrending (sic) to be a dog!"
Ds1 "well just stop it"
Dd "No, I want to be a dog"
Ds1 "You can't be a dog, because you're a little girl"
Dd "I can, I can pertrend to be one"
Ds1 "No you can't - and it's pretend - not pertrend"
Dd "Yes I CAN! ... and that's what I said ... pertrend"

... aaand repeat .... on an endless loop!

Oh my lord! The thought of ds1 getting hold of a laminating machine is too much to bear.

Good to hear your real response is similar to mine!

To be honest I think dd does it more the more ds1 objects, which I suspect may - in the end - be the best way of getting him to stop having a go at her. Sometimes these kids really do know best.

Thank you for the replies. Honestly, of all the struggles we may have on a day to day basis this really causes me the most stress (related headaches! ) and if Dp is in the room cue ultimate meltdowns (from Dd, Ds AND Dh ) the last time he interveined I had to pick up my Ds carry him to another room and spend 40 minutes trying to calm him because he ended up hysterical beyond belief. Due to Ds's difficulties being picked up by others rather than myself I just don't know what should be the "norm" and what isn't TBH since the difficulties were highlighted its as though I have mind blank in certain situations which I would never of even given a second thought about before, if that actually makes any sense! Sometimes I watch my Dd when she is using pretend play and think to myself is that the "norm" or is that actually too imaginative??? poor Dc just can't win can they .
moosemama I have tried the discussion about who is an adult etc but it really does not make a difference at all he will agree then swiftly follow the discussion with "tiny scone that is a banana not a phone!" then it all begins again.
zzzzz there are so many times that I have done the same! its so hard because what works for Dd doesn't work for Ds and vice versa, so draining it really is. Glad I am not the only one struggling with this.

Mine just bicker and squabble full stop, they dont need a reason, other than being in shouting/hearing distance of each other.

They are sending me baaaarmy

Itsallscone, its the same here. We do the talk, have the chat etc and he goes right on doing it regardless.

We've had it this evening. "You are not a princess, you are a little girl in a princess style dress."

I know what you mean about worrying if their play is 'normal' as well. I do it all the time with dd as ds1 is dxd and ds2 learned a lot of his play from ds1, because they are so close in age. I also suspect ds2 has quite a few traits, but nowhere near enough to get a dx and nothing that causes him any problems.

I have just been to a 4th birthday party for one of dd's nursery friends and I have to say, watching her charging around and playing with all the other 3-4 year old girls does help to reassure me that she is actually typical for a girl of her age. Mind you, not sure how many of those little girls play Pokemon at home and spend hours pretending to be Pikachu!