Going to try and answer these as fully as I can, if I miss anything out let me know.but I'm also trying to do it in a way that does not completely out me.
The dc in question was at a r/c primary school he had a private dx at age 4 and back then I knew nothing about the LA and how they work due to my other children all going to senior schools that could be privately funded and there being a significant age gap and prodesses changing.as far as I was aware the school was making provision for him, my son over time became deeply unhappy and nobody could figure out why everytime I spoke to the school I was told about all the provision they had in place for him.
A school dinner lady who I know very well one day told me that the 1:1 they had in place for him actually consisted of him being dumped in the school lobby ( they called it the library ) to be supervised being just sat there by the receptionist and only occasionally let into the classroom the next day ,dc came home from school more distressed than I have ever seen him and at about 6 pm a voice mail was left on my answer phone saying that my son a incident had happened I tried to phone back but nobody answered the next day I was told by dc's dad that dc had thrown a table in the classroom.
I went to see the head the receptionist first of all tried to fob me off and said " we spoke to the pwc" I pointed out that I was the pwc and had my residency order faxed to the school at the time my ex held the travel contract ( taxi company) the head told me my ex had made out that he was not contracted for the school run but he did it because he had the kids ( that he only saw for the school run) he had also threatened legal action against the school if my son was given his medication on school grounds ( his gf at the time has issues with medication for kids).
The head agreed that whilst dc shouldn't have thrown the table it was totally out of caricter for him, very unexpected and he believed that a staff member should have handled the suituation differently at the next parents evening the same staff member told me that perhaps his current levels of ability are all we could expect ( ability in line with the average 3 year old) .
I went to court and had to obtain several orders to make sure dc could be treated in line with his consultants instructions,that the school had to deal with me and to highlight that I was the pwc and dad was in essence a nrp with no contact other than times he was paid to drive his own dc to school.
A the court I saw a ask leaflet and phone for advice the stuff they sent gave info about statements ect, so I raised this with the school who basically said they didn't wish to apply for one as he wouldn't get it and in any case didn't agree with the dx as he was nothing like my other dc's, they did not understand the differences between HF and LF, I then moved house to the other side of the town and my ex lost the contract.
As a result of my divorce my maintainance was to be no cash at all he got house company ect I got school dinners and transport funded by him.
He refused to continue funding these and when I attempted to enforce left the country for nearly 2 years.
I found a new school due to this and combined with further info the dinner lady gave me and the school refusing to attempt a statement, the new school was brilliant the head accepted his dx but told me that LA wouldn't he had a child with HF ASD and told me how to start the ball rolling for a NHS dx during this time he let dc have a staggered start,on the first full day dc was there the head called county and asked for a emergency meeting,LA sent someone who agreed that emergency provision needed to be made for dc, the statementing process was formally started as was the NHS dx, dc was 9.
I dint really understand much about the process so called ask again I explained that most of my dc's have disabilities and I have Aspergers and dyslexia and was feeling intimidated by the process, they sent a lady to my house with shit loads of paperwork. Over the course of the next year she attended pretty much every appointment with me making notes and raising things she worked very closely with the school the statement was granted at the highest amount of hours possible, shortly afterwards the NHS dx also happened ( weirdly the private and the NHS one are signed by The same person in this area lots of dr's do private as well as NHS) at that time I was insistant that normal school was the way to go with this dc.
I didnt know they had special schools that weren't like rowdeford or others like my older children had attended but the public schools we had earmarked stated the could not accommodate dc's needs so bang went that plan, on his statement the LA stuck in that next school was a normal mainstream that was the usual school the kids from that primary went to. Me ask and the school knew it would not be doable. The ed physic made a few informal suggestions.
Ask gave me a list f every school in the county and Hampshire and dorset LA provided me with a list of there schools.
The school contacted the supposed to be next school who came and viewed dc a few times in school and wrote a report stating they could not fully accommodate his needs and that they felt it would be abusive to send him knowing this.
We sent this report to the LA.
I visited every single school on the lists that would let me visit, the ones who wouldn't I asked them to put I writing why they wouldn't.
During these visits it was bloody obvious to me that st Edwards was without a doubt the best possible setting but that he could just about tolerate a different state school in Andover.
I kept detailed files on every single one inc positives and negatives things that could be changed to accommodate him and things that couldn't, I was told by several education phycologists and others who had been involved in the dx and statement process that they agreed that both these schools were suitable but that the LA would try to push me to downlands. I had visited downlands once by myself and twice with dc it was clearly not suitable on both occasions with dc he was visibly terrified on the second this happened.
He soiled himself on the journey as he realised we were leaving his comfort zone, I had to stop at a friends house to clean him up when we arrived at downlands he refused to leave the car, when we got him out he went totally mute ( and stayed that way for 10 days) he observed by staff climbed up me like a toddler and agreed to enter the building like that, the head said that of course they could meet his needs but he would have to walk himself and not be carried as he would be setting himself up as a target for assault and bullying and they couldn't protect him all the time, I asked what he ment he said " we have higher than average violence levels here due to the behaviour issues"
This was all recorded on a body cam, ( years ago I worked in the YOT downlands is where very very naughty often ones out of prison on license go I knew the school was not suitable for a child like dc. Incidentally my godson went there and it was wonderful for him but he's NT assertive strong and did have actual behaviour issues.
There is a massive difference between just simple bad/ criminal behaviour that has to be managed with in a specialist setting mainly due to protecting other people and a boy who rigidly follows rules but has meltdowns that occasionally may potentially disrupt others but does not place anybody at risk.