When family members let you down

[googlenut]

So how do you rise above it, because feel very let down tonight. And ds wasn't even that badly behaved and family member works with people with autism.

I sometimes think that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. I have had some very insensitive judgemental comments from professionals who work with people with asd. Working with people with asd is very different from living with asd 24/7 I also think that if you have experience of one part of the spectrum it can make you forget that people with asd are all very different and that what helps some people will not work with others.

Grow a thick skin, praise your kids, shrug your shoulders at family members.

I know I have to tough this out, but feel angry and hurt that they can't appreciate the tough life we have. And can then carry on their merry way thinking 'they are great with children with autism' feel quite stabby tonight

Haha just been thinking how much I have begun swearing out loud wine gladly taken and swallowed in one gulp!

They're probably using your dc's asd to get at you. Don't rise to the bait. A lot of family-orientated adults like to pick fights at Christmas, and I've given up paying attention. It's easier for me to ignore the adult passive-aggressive-cr*p tantrums-in-disguise when I remind myself they can't cope with too many late nights/ too much TV / too much rich food and not enough routine. Unlike me, of course [polishes broken halo]

grow a thick skin! you will need it all along!

Ignore them. They are not important to your little family bubble. Who cares what they perceive. They dont live your life and it wont change the price of butter what they say or do will it.

If you feel assertive then tell them "actually I do not agree with you and find what you say upsetting" Leave the ball (and the court) and walk away back to your lovely family.

You owe them nothing. Have another

Thanks everyone, a good sleep has helped me simmer down. It's one of Dh relatives and he has sent him a text asking him why he behaved the way he did ( a very public display of irritation with ds at a family party, ds was actually behaving quite well). He works with children with ASD so we want an explanation.

I get very anxious at these dos as I don't know if ds is going to kick off so the fact he didn't and still got shouted at is ticking me right off

Glad you feel a bit better :)

Your DH perhaps should point out that he needs more training as the last thing one should do is shout at someone with ASD or even NT come to it. Silly person x

Exactly and that's why we can't understand how someone who works with people with ASD could do this. Still waiting for an explanation from him - he could at least have the decency to explain himself.
My mum keeps saying I have to hold on to the fact that ds was behaving himself and this issue is the other relatives.

Your Mum is right. Your DS did well behaving at a family event. I know mine would have started off ok but I would have had to tell him all about it weeks in advance and who was going to be there. It would only have took on different person on the guest list or sitting at a different table and he would stress out and become hyper.

I think I have gone long past wondering how some professionals have the jobs they do. I just make sure they stay away from mine family or not x

Yes I'm trying to turn it to something positive so I'm using it to power me to be more challenging with the professionals who work with my son.

You'll never believe it - they are accusing us of bad parenting. And they are autism experts !!!!

googlenut we have a relative who is very experienced with children with autism and yet judges and tuts over much of what we do or don't do with ds.

I think it is a case of where she works the strategies work quite well because it is a very controlled environment with a team of experts who are paid to provide very individualised programmes and can often do so one on one and the children are generally better in her school than at home as is often the case as home is their safe place iykwim. This makes her think that if we did everything her way then we would be on top of it as she cannot differentiate between her work experience and our real life experience.

I think she truly believes she knows all there is to know about autism and what to do in any given situation. Until you actually live with autism you cannot understand and even then you still can't even understand everything going on for another family living with autism but I think it makes you much more open to accepting that it is bloody hard and there are things you will be working on and others that you will just be living with.b

I think you could really have hit on something there. The relative works in a residential unit for children who can no longer be handled at home - so it is a very controlled environment with 24 hour supervision. That's what they probably don't get - that in your own home you do let some things go. But the insensitivity of criticising parents who already have it tough, that's what really annoys me

Yes I agree but again I think in our case she thinks it is helpful advice rather than criticism and it is advice that is usually asked for regularly from the parents of her school...it is not however either asked for or appreciated from us. This could be the same for your relative, they may not realize their lack of sensitivity and may even think they are being useful...I do think too that there are times when my SIL actually does believe that some aspects of autistic behaviour is down to parenting as the children are better for her than their parents....I think this is a common belief before you actually have to live with it day in and day out.

I found the best solution is to be selective with relatives . I gave up feeling obliged to be sociable with some years ago, and I am very selective on the family events I attend.

For me, socialising whether with family or friends has to be pleasurable, and if I know some idiot is going to make it unpleasant or put me or the DC under stress about potential or actual behaviour, then it is not worth attending.

My DH once said wisely to me - we absolutely do not have to go to any social gathering unless we really really want to . Autism is the all-purpose get-out clause. There has to be some upside!

The only thing is that these are quite close relatives and its at MIL s house. My other two children love going and to be fair ds with autism was quite well behaved so I would like to go.
What I think has happened is this relative reacted completely out of proportion and embarrassed themselves. And he is now coming back with a list of things that ds was doing to him. This includes throwing beer bottles at him, which neither me nor other two children saw despite being in same room. Everyone we have told has said that there is no way that behaviour could have got past you as you are so hyper vigilant about ds behaviours. That's what I find alarming- that he is willing to lie about a disabled child to save his own face.
At least having a child allows us to see real human nature - both the best and worst. It is genuinely one advantage I see to having a child with autism.

Yes it is. Unfortunately in a lot of cases you don't get to see a good side of people.