Goodness Xmas day was hard......

[wrenster]

I posted recently for advice on my son (4 and one of triplets) who I suspected was on the autism spectrum. You were all so lovely and helpful i wanted to ask for some more advice after a very hard Christmas day/boxing day.

He opened his presents frantically almost throwing them over his shoulder shouting where are more, where are more looking for specific things he had asked for (only small things). He suddenly started shouting about a watch which he hadn't asked for and was screaming about where it was even though I explained he hadn't asked for one so FC didn't know etc. He refused to share any of the presents that were to share between the 3 of them screaming 'they're mine, mine'. When I tried to distract him from his own presents once they were opened and asked if he could be FC to his nannie and grandad he refused, screaming and eventually threw one of my mums pressies at her. I took him out of the room, explained how sad nannie was, how ungrateful he looked. He then refused to join us again, curling up in a ball in the hall and refused to come out despite many attempts for a good long while.

He continued shouting for most the day only playing with 2 hard plastic little toys. His behaviour was bad over lunch, almost verging on manic, shouting and saying odd things. He refused to say thank you or show he was grateful to anyone. Today was a slight improvement but he became quite disturbed by a cd player with microphones I bought for them to share saying it was too loud for him but then screaming int the microphone and refusing to let anyone have a go. We had a cuddle tonight and I asked if he had enjoyed Christmas day and boxin day to which he replied 'no' because FC was naughty not bringing him his watch. I said how sad that made me and he turned away.

My parents were here and the other two behaved pretty well for 4 year olds, but I felt very extremely embarrassed by his behaviour and as if I was doing a terrible job as a mother. My mum was very understanding and kind but has never seen a child behave like him.

I am so torn between disciplining him for being a naughty, ungrateful boy and actually trying to get to the bottom of his behaviour which seems a very soft way of dealing with it. We are off to inlaws tomorrow and dreading his behaviour.

I would love anyone's opinion on how I can help him/ or discipline him better. I am feeling very anxious about the year ahead

DS (ASD) has no interest in opening presents or joining in at all. To him all our rituals are bizarre and illogical. He has a point! Why do we set a pudding on fire or wrap toys in paper or put a tree in the living room. The first few christmases were hard, especially when he refused to open any presents and it was embarrassing with relatives; but now we know he doesn't 'get it', isn't interested in most of it and the grandparents have come round to it. This year he got a few presents unwrapped in gift bags from us and almost everyone else just gave him money which I will use for something during the year or save and he was much happier.

Just get through the next few days - DS sits on an ipad in a separate room when we visit relatives! Don't force him to join in. Try and warn whats going to happen next eg a 5 minute and 1 minute warning and let him leave the room if he wants to opt out. Or take him for a walk for a break before he gets overloaded.

Try and keep some sort of routine over the holidays if you can so the whole day is not completely unpredictable. Sometimes we write a list for DS (you can use pictures too) and cross things out as we do things so he knows whats going to happen.

Its all a lot more scary when you don't know what you are dealing with. It will get better. I wouldn't bother disciplining really until you know more. Christmas is pretty much the hardest time for children on spectrum, if you do anything just put him somewhere safe and quiet to calm down - my DS has trouble processing language so talking to him when he's upset is completely pointless.

My DS would not get why you were sad. I spent several birthdays and christmases feeling sad he did not understand, but thats because I have been brought up to think we should want presents and should be excited about birthdays and christmas. But this is all learned behaviour on our part, rituals we have created. For my DS they are just ordinary days, he has never asked me to buy him a toy. He does not care its christmas.

Reward and praise anything positive so if he is sitting quietly etc tell him how nicely he's sitting. Try and catch the good and ignore the bad as much as possible.

Agnes you always explain things so well, I wish you would write a book.

You have to get to the bottom of the behaviour op. I replied on another thread yesterday when someone else had a similar situation - this is exactly what happened to us 4 years ago when DS was 3.6, except his trigger was food and the 'specialness' of Christmas dinner. It was horrendous. But yesterday was brilliant and actually today was pretty good too, he did head towards a meltdown when we were at my parents' but we managed to de-escalate the situation. But that was absolutely about me knowing what to do, and how to give him controlled choices that didn't reward his unacceptable behaviour but didn't escalate the situation either.

I think that Christmas was the day when DH and I truly realised something was 'wrong'. But with the right understanding, support and strategies, things can get better.

Also, please take a look at some of the current threads on here - you are not alone! Terribly hard time of year for many DCs

Thank you, thank you once again ladies. I truly appreciate your time and advice. It is nice to know that we weren't the only ones struggling with Christmas.

Wilson - your comment struck home about realising on Christmas day something was really wrong (so pleased you had a lovely day too, it gives me hope!)
Agnes - you are so right about our own ingrained beliefs about presents and behaviour. Although I explain to him what he needs to do, I don't go on and on about it because I think it is obvious we have to say thank you to those that bought our presents to make them happy. He is just not bothered.

I do need to tackle this head on rather than brush it under the carpet and my embarrassment and sadness combined means I can't carry on this way for me or for him.

Out of sync child ordered, sympathetic head on and lots of prayers I can deal with him at the in laws!

Ps - DS has a very strong preference for males, I.e. would much rather go to Daddy, grandad, grandpa etc. he has always been like like from a baby - just wondered if anyone else had experienced this or just a complete coincidence?!

Wrenster, my DS age5 and ASD had a very strong preference for males,poor Nanny and Grandma never got a look in, only when he wanted some of their cake/ice cream :) He's always been fine with me though. I think it's because he loves rough and tumble and I will do that with him as well as other males. Luckily when he started his SS they had a male TA, who my son adores, and when he moved class the school moved the TA with him :)
He is so much better now though and communicates and works with female relatives and he lady TA's in school.

oops, the lady TA's in school

Stereotyping massively here but perhaps the males in your life share a particular communication style. Sorry, I know it sounds cheesy, but it's another way of getting insight.

For eg, if they don't talk very much - that means they aren't overloading DS with verbal info that he maybe finds too much to understand or process. Grumpy people are adored here because they say little, and what they do say is very clear and to the point. Or, they may do a particular kind of rough and tumble that satisfys a specific need for DS - for eg, he may be seeking deep sensory pressure, eg bear hugs.

When you get your head into this space you become a sort of detective I think - everything DCs choose to do gives you insight into what tactics to use with them.

Wilson - you are absolutely right with the male thing now I think about it . they all like rough and tumble games, they rarely try and engage DS in anything, everything is on his terms so it's hard for them to be ' wrong' with the game they are playing . They definitely don't talk as much either.

I like your little clues and have already started spotting some! thank you

Just to add, we had a brilliant Christmas Day with Ds2 (who is a twin incidentally) ASD 10 years. He kept saying how much he enjoyed everything, he loved the rituals of the turkey, Santa, flaming pudding, giving presents, recieving presents, and was talking about them all in advance repeatedly. So I think in the long term it is possible to get them used to Christmas and really remember what it entails. however he refused to sit down with us intially (loads of relatives for lunch),sneaked off to watch Youtube instead of playing downstairs with new presents, kept reverting to old toys rather than playing with new toys, generally frazzled by his brother, and it wasn't rocket science to see that he was out of sync, and frazzled by the whole occasion, however much he professed to love it! Because we know he has ASD we are aware that he might behave like this when there is a big social gathering so we try not to get too worked up about it. But there is a noticeable behaviour lapse. I suppose we just absorb it, and don't let it stress us. Nor do relatives.
No tantrums, partly because we do absorb it.

We had a lovely day though He is now happily playing with all his presents properly. Lots of parental involvement needed as always, which I know is hard with twins, and so even harder if you have triplets (((()))).

One of most obvious things that flagged up Ds2's ASD long before he had diagnosis was when he was two and got very upset because a certain Yellow Truck didn't appear in his stocking. We knew nothing about this, rather like your watch story, because I think he just assumed that Father Xmas knew he wanted it, without communicating this information to anybody.(we had to buy one on Boxing Day, very traumatic

The other advice I would give, is never give shared presents to small children! They all want things to be theirs and theirs alone, and then they are happy to share them. But they have to have ownership to share. That is my experience of twins, the proprietorial feeling was v important, and then they shared all the time, quite benignly. Even if very big present which you know is rightfully going to be shared between all.

The other thing just to cheer you up is that Ds2 keeps asking us for another Christmas party! He remembers in great detail the Drinks party we gave a year ago (never to be repeated) (very stressful where hardly anyone came because there was deep snow, and those that did come were mostly neighbours with children, and we all got shouted at by a neighbour for making too much noise playing in snow. But he obviously really enjoyed this ghastly party, which I shudder to recall...

Also I suggest reading How To Talk So Kids Listen, as first step towards disciplining, based on empathy rather than behaviour modification. It works especially well with ASD children. He won't understand if you tell him he is ungrateful, just feel upset because he knows you are cross, which will make him further stressed and shouty.

Your post made me laugh! DS remembers the most bizarre incidents too and wants them repeated over and over again much to my dismay! That book is ordered so I'm looking forward to sitting down and putting an action plan together for 2013.

I'm feeling more positive about the next few months, thank you.

The way we deal with it is to ask AS son to choose a special present from his list and then let him participate in the buying process. We normally order from Amazon, and let him click the confirm order button. When it arrives we let him see the box and then we put it away until Christmas Day, when he is given it after lunch. We find that he is less stressed as he knows he is going to get exactly what he wants.
Also if he unwraps a present he doesn't immediately like , we tell him that someone thought it would be a good present for him, so he should give it a go. This doesn't always work, but he is more receptive to unrequested presents than he used to be.