4 yr old too scared to come downstairs to open presents.

[PoshCat]

Dd2, turned 4 in August, severe speech delay but no diagnosis, functioning at about 2 hrs judging by paed's IQ assessment.

Was hoping this year she'd get it but its obvious she doesn't understand the basics of Xmas.
DH who has always maintained Dd2 is merely delayed and I am overreacting, making a fuss over nothing has just floored me.
He said its obvious dd2 has special needs, is backward and its time I faced up to it and that it's my problem I can't a accept I have a less than perfect child.
Maybe he's right.
Devastated. Just wanted a normal Xmas with dd2 and dd1(nearly 6) bonding and sharing the excitement of the day. It didn't happen. It may never happen.
I need to deal with this don't I?

I'm so sorry, yes you do need to deal with it.

But what about your DH? I think you both need to talk. If you have been suggesting there is a problem before and he has minimised your concerns, and now he has come out with this then I think you need a frank talk.

Could he be expressing his own feelings do you think but he is scared to face up to them yet - time he faced up to it, accepted dd is "backwards" etc?

xx

Hi. Aw hugs to you. This is the first year it has really hit me with my son, he is five. He was fine opening pressies, but it was mainly me. His understanding s very limited and it's just not the same anticipation. But, he is happy enough and lots of the things he hasn't played with, I know he will over the next several days. So today is ok. But yesterday was hard, lots of family around any older child having a whale of a time playing with older and younger kids, just really highlighted his issues and I could tell family members who have pooh poohed it in the past were left in no doubt. Try not to be too sad today, go with the flow and get planning in the new year. We stay home with kids on Xmas day and we have a chilled out day, so not too stressful and ibam aiming to have them in bed before the downtown abbey Xmas special!

This time of year can really highlight issues - parents who maybe don't spend so much time at home usually are around more, you see your child with other family members and can compare and contrast more easily than normal, plus all the normal stresses and strains of Christmas.

It sounds like your DH and you are on the same path but are travelling at totally different paces and in different directions. What he said wasn't kind BUT if you do think there is an issue with your DD it's good that DP now sees it.

I think you both need to talk - not today, but soon. And meanwhile you need to start thinking and planning your next move, whether that's going down a diagnosis path or looking for other interventions for DD. Doing a few searches on here is a good place to start, or start a new thread asking for specific interventions and advice.

She's still your DD and you can still have lovely, lovely Christmases btw - just maybe with a few adjustments.

For years I thought my DS (fairly severe autism, major speech delay plus learning difficulties) would never "get" Xmas. He certainly didn't at 4 but it is amazing how things change as they grow up a bit. At 9 he now sits at lunch, opens presents , even pulls crackers. Your DH is probably talking to himself as much as you, but v tactlessly! Just keep pushing and don't accept that your DD can't achieve loads , whatever her diagnosis. Hugs.

Thank you for your replies. I have unfairly expected DH to constantly comfort me by saying it's all going to be OK, she'll catch up etc because that's what he's known I wanted to hear.
He can't convince me or himself any longer. Time we faced up to that together and stopped sticking our heads in the sand. Dd2 deserves full acceptance for who she is from the people who love her most.

Thank you sickofsocalledexperts.

Sorry to hear of your difficulties; hope a workable diagnosis arrives soon to help all of you.

We have just had an exceptionally difficult Christmas Day with our AS son, 7. Yes, he is 'high-functioning', but it is very evident today that he needs a completely different Christmas than the one we have been giving him so far. Our DD (5) is fine.

We are going to completely tweak next year so that it is truly happy for both him and us, and for every year that it needs to be different. We can't wait.

I hope when the Christmas pressures have died down that you and DH are able to formulate a New Year plan to get a diagnosis and/or tackle this as a team. It's the only way, for your DD's sake. So interesting to see that both of you have been worried, but I infer, hiding your worries in different ways.

Come clean with each other about your worries, have a good cry, get cross with the world, have a hug, and then get straight on with helping your DD.

OK, she is not what you had imagined, but most importantly she is your DD - and once you have been through the stages of grief (denial, anger, grief and finally acceptance) then accepting and adapting to her differences will become second nature - although this takes time.

I still look at my AS son, in the top group of numeracy at school but having a complete anxiety-stricken meltdown as he did today, Christmas Day, which was very severe, and have to pinch myself and say - 'No, this is how it is - he is NOT coping and is VERY different - we need to do things differently'. Three of us in the family are 'normal' (though I think on reflection I am AS myself, but can cope!) but we need to accept that one of us (DS) severely isn't.

It isn't the end of life as we know it; it does hurt; but it is all possible and a happy life can go on for us all - happier once we know the problem and can take on board strategies for improving it.

There's some great replies on here. Poshcat, do plough ahead for diagnosis/ support etc. This time last year I was dithering and now,a year on, life has got so awkward for so many different reasons, I am desperate for diagnosis and statement. Be brave!

Poshcat, it's so hard to be in this situation and I think we can all probably empathise at some stage with not wanting to think that our DCs have difficulties, and the uncertainties that can arise from these. For me, I worry about DD in a way I don't worry about my DS.
When my DH and I first got told that DD had developmental delay, we both desperately wanted to believe that she would catch up. I started to read around about developmental delay and so I realised earlier than DH where this might be heading. My DH is brilliant and has always been fantastic with DD, but for a long time he wouldn't talk about it, and wouldn't read anything about it. It would be wrong to say that he was in denial, because he always came to the paed appointments, but he said to me that he knew he enough about DD to know that she would be ok and that he could see the progress she was making despite what label people wanted to put on her. DD sees a development paed - at the last appointment the paed said that she would like to refer her to educational psychologist and for assessment for ASD. Dh and I were both reluctant in our ways about the label; but we both agreed that we would do what was best for her.
We are both glad now that we did get the diagnosis. We saw the EP before DD had her medical diagnosis. EP was mainly positive and it was exactly what we wanted to hear - I even began to hope that I had been worrying unnecessarily. The diagnosis assessment was more pessimistic, and is some ways difficult to hear, but it will hopefully assist us in getting some support for DD starting primary. And often I think DH is right about DD - she is making great progress despite the difficulties she has. The child we read about in reports is not the child we know - but in some ways it is helpful to have the reports to get the adjustments/interventions she needs.
All the best to your DD, DH and you.

Thanks for sharing that about your DS sickof. My DS has no idea whatsoever about Christmas (3 and a half, ASD, non-verbal), and I find it very hard, remembering how I loved Christmas as a child and how special it all was, and thinking how I would do anything to be able to give him a happy magical Christmas, instead of it just being another day in which inexplicable things go on around him and are at times bothersome (like the wrapped presents which seemed rather scary, and the Christmas food which was nowhere near as interesting as the pizza I also made just in case).

I suppose one has this picture in your mind of happy little faces unwrapping presents, singing carols, playing, and eating lovely delicacies etc etc...DS was fine yesterday, made a lot of mess but no meltdowns and generally was quiet and sweet, but there was nothing about it being Christmas that grabbed him (or that he even really noticed)...

How old is your Dd march duck? Dd2 started reception in September with 16 hrs additional support. She loves it and her teachers. Feeling more positive today. Thank you.

PoshCat, my DD will be 4 next month. That's lovely to hear your DD loves school; it's one less worry if you know they are happy!

She loves school and is very well supported. She is the youngest in year but the teachers, assistants and peers have all been amazing with her and despite having limited language is very popular.