How do I help my friend? Lovely son has ADD - am I saying the right thing?

[Corygal]

So my poor mate has been told that one of her sons, 8, has ADD. He has always been a bit of a handful, and had to repeat a year at reception.

He is LOVELY, might I point out - very bright, good mannered, chatty and intuitive. But apparently he is having issues at school and she and DH are seeing teachers etc next week.

I tried to cheer her up by saying it is a temp disorder and that lots of children get things wrong with them, it's a blessing that ADD wears off. I have pointed this out, as well as highlighting all the 'Look at them now' people we know. Frankly, DS has a lot more going for him than most people.

But I don't know if I am saying anything helpful. I don't want to say anything tactless and I want to cheer her up. It's no joke for her and DH. Also I want to help.

What words would help the most? Also any practical action? Thanks so much.

Bump! Hopefully not in the night!

I wouldn't try and cheer her up tbh, it is upsetting for your child to get a diagnosis, allow her to have a brief wallow/why us moment. practical action - tell her about the adders forum or here? take her out for a drink/arrange playdate etc as appropriate.

Thanks so much. ADD does wear off for some people. I am worried about how knackering it must be for my friend - she has other DCs.

I feel sad for her as she is quite isolated, to boot. They haven't got much cash.

I am, however, so pleased and grateful to have found you - thanks, I feel like I will be much better use to all now.

sorry I was a bit terse with you, as your name is familiar I assumed you were an SN board regular . So yes, the fact that asking the question has occurred to you (about how to help her) is fab and v thoughtful of you.

In terms of prognosis - I have had a quick google, and get the impression things do tend to improve in adulthood, but it is not temporary by any means. Just take her lead - if she wants to talk about her worries/battles with schools, take her seriously. But if she wants to talk about fluffy kittens etc to distract her a bit, encourage that. Given isolation is a big issue, then yes, spend time with her and/or her kids.

My middle brother has ADD, has been poorly dealt with all his life, and it still causes him a lot of problems now with things like impulse control, anger, depression and his emotional intelligence. He is 26 and functionally illiterate with no qualifications. So no, it doesn't 'wear off'. It can be treated well or not well and it can be severe or less severe, but people who underplay ADD do those who suffer from it a disservice.

Someone on a recent thread linked to a FREE kindle book for adhd children etc. but i cant remember which one. sorry.. if I see it I will bump! Its free if shes got a kindle or can borrow one

PS My DS...now grown up (sort of) had ADHD as a kid. he is now 32. cant manage money very well and housework is a bit of a mystery, but he's had girlfriends, has a mortgage, always worked since leaving school, got 5 good GCSEs, despite being suspended for 6 months before his exams . Gets on with people and is interesting to talk to and intelligent. This all despite involvement of SS, child psychologist, ed psychologist in his childhood! So yes and no...they sort of outgrow the worst of everything but life isnt plain sailing for them and they can get themselves into horrible messes before they come out the other side.

The fact your friends DS has the qualities he has is a good indication for the future

Thanks so much. I feel so sorry for them - it's not fatal, but it must be very worrying. Sneezecake - you have cheered me up no end.

What the others have said is so right. Is is extremely isolating and other parents can be so judgemental. We were the neighbourhood pariahs for years. What peed me off mightily was DS getting scapegoated for everything in the neighbourhood and school.

One day we were called into school (again!) and watched through the glass doors children in DS s class climbing on a table to look at the guinea pigs. Told to stop by the teacher and 'who was climbing' ? etc some children pointed and said DS s name.....and we saw he hadn't been one of them! . This gave him a sense of injustice, so we always looked closely at allegations and a lot of the time it was a joint effort! Not always !

Firm parenting and above all fairness helped. Defending or allowing poor behaviour is not the way to go but the child needs to be able to trust his pàrents to at least be fair. An angry and resentful child is not one who will sit and listen....something my DS was very good at...sounds obvious but just talking and listening to them really helps. And just having a good friend and supportive family who don't judge is worth it's weight in gold

Good diet, no food colourings and maybe omega fish oils (helped DS)

O and reassure her it is not her parenting style. DS was a real handful but DD was goody two shoes

Late to the party here, but just a few thoughts.

First of all, something I would hate to have someone say to me re DS2 (who does have ADHD)

• at least it's temporary
• it's not fatal
• he'll grow out of it

Personally, I KNOW these things. Knowing that doesn't help me now when I'm struggling, and IMO downplays it and makes me think I should be feeling grateful that he doesn't have a life threatening illness. I just don't need the guilt. Because let's face it, yes, ADD in itself is not fatal, but the things that ADHD causes DS2 to DO could be fatal! Which is why I'm so blasted exhausted all the time from monitoring him practically 24 hours a day (he doesn't sleep well, even with meds). And it's NOT temporary. These children will still have things to deal with as they get older - they hopefully just manage to cope better. Some of them, anyway, certainly not all!

The thing that has helped the most from my friends is non-judgemental attitudes, just being there for me when I'm stressed, encouraging me to get out and just be "me" when I have the opportunity (which admittedly is not often), and making me laugh.

Thank you very much. I can see how hard it is to strike the right note when all you want to do is to cheer someone up and not include your own prejudices.

I am pretty non-judgemental - I just want them to get through this with as little stress as possible - who wouldn't.

I am stuck between underplaying the disorder, which annoys the exhausted parents, and overplaying it, which could freak them out.

The core of what I think remains that he is lovely, exceptionally bright, charming and intuitive, and that if anyone has a chance against a potentially disabling disorder he does. Is that ok?

I think it looks as though Corey's friends DS is not too bad at home, and it is the school that have highlighted problems, so hopefully being positive for the future as well as practical help is what suits this family. Really just ask your friend how you can help is good start

I do know what hothead means though...home was just as bad as school and I phoned SS one day begging them to take him into care! They didn't, just sent a nice SW who got me through a bleak time. No close family, neighbourhood lepers, so called friends disapproving and blaming me

We did survive though and even though i answer every phone call from him...what do you want DS he has actually turned out not bad at all and I am so proud of the way he behaves (mostly!) now

Don't try to cheer them up or play down the difficulties they might face.
Chances are they know, or will know, far more about the disorder than you.

I agree something along the lines of 'Sorry you are going through this, what can I do to help?' is usually perceived as supportive rather than 'It's not so bad' when blatantly is can be v hard.

I have a friend with one son with ADD and another with Asperger's and I just try to listen. A have a little professional experience with behavioural problems, but try v hard NOT to advise my friend. I only know her boys as friends to my boys, have never formally assessed them (nor would I have the qualification to do so), so do not feel it is my place to 'tell' her what to do.

Just be there for them. And yy to including the child.
AFAIK, people often do not outgrow ADD, but simply learn to manage it better. It is not a temporary condition for most people affected by it.

yes, please don't try and look on the bright side when talking to her. It doesn't make you feel better about your child. IME the only positive opinions re:prognosis that might be welcomed are from the qualified professionals - psych/salt etc. tbh that sort of stuff coming from a friend just can come over more as wishful thinking.

btw I found it very helpful when friends said - "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, but it sounds really hard". I wasn't expecting my friends to solve anything. I used to be driven mad by the anecdotes about the dog's canaries next door neighbour who didn't speak till 27 but is now running the UN/prime mister etc.

Well, you have to admit, it DOES explain a lot about David Cameron, eh?

Sadly a lot of kids with ADHD do not fulfil there true potential. DS was always described by the experts as extremely intelligent, but anything that actually required effort rather than strolling through exams was too much effort. He had a place at college for advanced IT (equiv 3 A levels) but he couldn't be arsed basically, and threw it all away. He now works for Asda and I know it's a waste but its a job and he manages to pay his bills and mortgage and more important he knows he was stupid, so he has learned a few valuable lessons along the way. Unfortunately these kids seem to need to make the mistakes several times before they learn and it's always got to be the hard way.

On the plus side his impulsive behaviour made him go out and just buy his first house. Complete balls up on the financial side, but I waded in and sorted it out before he was totally ripped off. Amazingly it was a brilliant move. Life with ADHD is tough but never boring!