Advice for a friend - school refuser

[frizzcat]

Know some of you have lots of experience in this area so thought I'd ask
A friend of mine has a dd in my ds year at school. They are now year3 and since nursery in the school this little girl has had difficulty settling at school. As the years have gone on its progressed from crying to screaming and throwing herself on the ground. Refusing to open her eyes in the morning and refusing to get dressed. She has missed all of this term and when she did attend she screamed and lay on the floor in the classroom and so spent her days in the school office.

Most people at the school staff/parents/pupils think she is just playing up. After 4yrs of this I've advised her mum that she needs to start in investigating this more as no child is capable of being that stubborn or playing up for so long. Her mum did get a cahms started but you know how slow these are to move. I wanted to ask if any of you recognise her behaviour from your dc and if there was an underlying cause or dx related to it.

She won't settle anywhere, clubs including dancing and swimming, church class and school
If she was invited to someones house mum has to go
When she does settle at school she is fine
Academically I'm not aware of any issues other than being behind because she misses a lot of school
She seems socially capable but is very upset when the child she plays with plays with anyone else
If she doesn't like someone she is extreme in her dislike IMO - dc of that age usually change who they like/dislike on a daily basis or at least dislikes are forgotten quickly. She will let the other child know she doesn't like them.
Hates that her mum works
Likes a cuddly comfort toy and will bring it to school
Has a thing about dirt and germs - would wash her hands at school a lot

These are my observations and what mum has told me - I'm just trying to point her toward the right help because they both desperately need support. Does this sound familiar?

Hi Frizzcat,
First of all thank you for being on this other mum's side when by the sounds of it she and her dd are not getting much understanding from other people around her.

From my own experience and that of other families I know or know of with school refusal, it is nearly always anxiety based. The triggers for the anxiety vary in each case and there may be other factors which contribute to the problem such as SN, mental or physical health issues, family problems etc.

From what you've mentioned there seems to be separation anxiety, social interaction difficulties, rigid thinking, dirt and germs phobia which could be related to asd or ocd traits but only a proper investigation by qualified professionals can give those answers.

It's good that she has made contact with CAMHS as their involvement will be crucial. Waiting times can be awful and help offered also varies but if good will make all the difference.

Do you know if the school have tried to help in any constructive way? In any case as this has been such a long term problem and no progress has been made plus it is impacting on her ability to access education, she might want to consider asking for Statutory assessment. If she contacts ipsea or sossen or your local partnership with parents, she could get advice on that.

If she would find it helpful to talk to other families in the same situation, there are a few support groups or forums around.

www.schoolrefuser.org.uk/
www.schoolrefusal.co.uk/

Together with a small group of other mums, I'm helping to set up a local support group for families in Surrey and surrounding area. We don't have a website yet and have only had one meeting so far but are hoping to have regular meetings and offer support via email.

If you would like to pm me, I can give you my details to pass on to your friend if she would like to get in touch.

Thanks so much pink I'll pass this onto her. The school definitely need guidance they are at a loss because they've never seen it before. I advised mum to get an EP involved which she did. However the EP saw her in clinic with her mum so she was perfectly calm and well behaved. I've been gently pushing mum to get an observation done in school - so EP can see the full effects of her anxiety - which is so upsetting, poor thing is shaking and screaming and clinging to her mum to be picked up. The thing is that now they can't get her in at all no observation can be done. So frustrating

TBH frizz the fact that she wont stay at clubs or friends houses kind of suggests that she has extreme separation anxiety.

Her ability to "keep it up" would worry me too and I am stunned that the school have let it go on so long without getting someone in to help her, bless her.

I agree with pink that she has some "red flags" for ASD, schools are notoriously bad for missing this in girls and just deciding they are stubborn.
Teachers are not trained to spot these things and even many professionals still miss ASD in girls.

I would recommend to to your friend to ring CAMHS and tell them that she can attend at short notice and that if they get a cancellation can they ring her. I have done this a couple of times and it can help to jump up the waiting list.

I really feel for your friend and her daughter and you are a great friend to support her.

Good luck to all of you