Tips for coping with a meltdown

[musicposy]

Hi there, I've had a lot of support on this thread even though my DD has no formal dx. I've suspected Aspergers since she was very young and she certainly fits all the descriptions I read. As she gets older, I am thinking we possibly need to get some sort of diagnosis, as the gap between her and her peers seems to be widening rather than lessening. She is 13.

Anyway, she goes to a youth theatre group. She loves acting, but the whole social side of it can be fraught with difficulty - she's poles apart from the other teens in terms of interests etc - and she came out in a state tonight. They had discussed what they wanted to do next term and apparently no one had listened to her ideas. She got herself into a state over this.

But most of all (and this is why I am posting in SN because this is going to sound crazy to the parents of most 13 year olds) they asked her to take her boots off. She has new snow boots and she is very attached to them. She seems to have to wear them at the moment when she is out of the house. They said boots were not an appropriate footwear for a theatre class (I have no gripe with this) and she had to take them off and her socks and have bare feet.

She has come home and had a complete meltdown. She is screaming and crying and this has been going on for well over half an hour now. She is upset because she got her feet dirty on their floor and had to leave her boots at the side of the room. She is screaming about the horrible texture of their floor and how she got grit on her feet and yet she refuses to have a bath. (I'd be worried about her in the bath anyway in this state).

DH is being really horrible and impatient with her and making things 20 times worse. I am trying to smooth things over but just when I think she is calming a little something else sets her off. I have no idea how to help her.

I just wondered if anyone else on here had any coping strategies. I am starting to think she will never stop screaming and crying. Please excuse me for posting in SN. I can't imagine the reactions I would get on the general board.

Bumping for you. My son is 13 also ( diagnosed with asd and ld) and can have quite spectacular meltdowns. Sn is a good place to post. Ds gets 'stuck' in a groove once upset about something and it takes skill and luck now he is older to redirect him. I can quite understand hating to go barefoot on a dirty uneven floor after the comfort of warm boots, especially if there are sensory issues to live with (i hate this too and use little slipperettes in the gym whilst everyone else is barefoot) I find with ds it is best to keep things low key, calm and just keep him safe. Dh can speak sharply to him without fanning the flames I think his lower pitched voice helps. I have had to work at keeping my distance and not getting drawn in or allow my voice to get higher or adjitated.

Thank you, magso; it's so good to know I'm not the only one with a teen like this.
I know teens can strop (!) but DD1 is 16 and we've never had anything like this with her, more the usual door slamming, eye rolling stuff!

DD2 did eventually calm down. She eventually brought in one of her Skylanders (she is utterly obsessed with Skylanders at the moment) and we had a play of that together.

magso talking about redirecting helped and the skylanders took her mind off the feet thing, thank you! It's useful you saying you understand where she is coming from because something like that wouldn't bother me (in my rational mind I'd just come home and bath). She has always been very funny about the state of her hands and feet and doesn't like the feel of a lot of textures etc. She also complains a lot about smells! Things like this seem to contribute to setting her off.

I really don't know if I should go to the GP or not. She'd been doing really well until the last few months. I also guess that at 13 I will have to talk to her about it and I don't know how to broach it. I worry so much about her getting a job etc because I just cannot see her coping as part of any sort of team. I'm wondering if a dx would help that or not.

I will talk to DH in a quiet moment as he doesn't mean to be unsupportive but he finds the meltdowns hard to handle and I think he is secretly quite worried about her.

I read a book by a teenager with sensory integration disorders as part of her dyspraxia and it was very helpful for me to understand ds point of view (even though I have some sensory issues myself). I will try and recall the name!
I agree with PolterGoose's suggestion of a toolkit (of what to do/say in difficult situations) and discussing problems (and how to deal with them next time) by calm discussion when relaxed. Really there is not much to be done once a meltdown is in full swing - except try to step back and de-escalate (calm).