DS with AS lost any motivation to do well, is going out of control

[Phenikz]

I am a bit in shock and don't know what to do. I received a call from the school telling me that DS has been hiding letters from Senco and was lying to me since September. He lost any motivation for learning.

DS, 14, has AS and ADHD. He is a mainstream school with a statement. He is actually very bright; he coped with school very well academically, so I don't understand. Is it because they removed speech therapy 18 months ago? English is obviously a challenge but everything else was fine, especially maths. Now he started GCSE and the school writes that his attitude to learning slipped from 1 (excellent) to 4, which is ?cause for action?. The school writes letters which make me feel like they want to kick him out.
Apparently he stopped doing homework, even maths which he likes. I realise he we was lying to me since September that homework is fine. I come to check every day and he shows me stuff saying he did that. Now it transpires that it is all deception. He is spending time downloading stuff and fiddling with his computer. I took it away but he pretended he needed to do research for science, which he apparently didn't do at the end.

At home as well I noticed difference in attitude. He lies about washing and brushing his teeth, while in fact he listens to the music in the bathroom. I noticed he became very egoistic in raiding the fridge, taking chocolate and treats for example, meant for his brother's lunch box. He has eaten dad's birthday cake alone. OK, this is ridiculous, but lately I seen him raiding my wallet. He stills the cable from my mobile charger, so I can't find it and loose data.

Suddenly I feel like it?s not the same DS anymore, out of control. It is not influence from friends, because he doesn't have any.

I already told him many times all the things you would expect me to say. He obviousely doesn't care and this is very upsetting. How to rain him back in? How can I switch his motivation back on? This is my main concern. Any experience?

I would say it is probably hormones!

Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but 14 is often when it all kicks off, it isnt the same Ds because he is growing up and preparing to become an adult.

Is he happy with his options? Is there any one subject that he likes? Is he really struggling with anything?

We always had and still have major problems with homework but in light of his diagnosis I would say that you need to get school to take more responsibility for this, many young people with ASD have great difficulty with home work even when it is easy, home is home and school is school.

Taking things without asking is definitely a teenager thing and with AS he probably will not understand how it makes people feel to find their stuff missing.

Hide all nice foodstuffs and leave only fruit/cereal/plain biscuits where he can find them It is the only way to stop them eating you out of house and home.

I sound like a pathetic parent dont I, but honsetly I have done an AS teen and an NT teen and many of the issues were the same, just more extreme in the AS one.

Dd1 left school without telling me and for a term went out of the door with a folder everyday. School didnt think to tell me because she was 18

Get school on side, ask them for help and try to give him some extra time and a hug if he will let you

Hope some of that helps, I promise you, you are not alone, keep coming on here an try maryz thread on the teenager board

The transition into year 10 is quite massive. All of a sudden its allcoursework and deadlines amd modules. All serious stuff and there are quite a few kids who just can't deal with it and find it very tricky. I would say pick two subjects to start off with, that he gets straight, catches up, behaves and does the work. Agree this with him. Ask the school if he could either drop a subject or temporarily come out of something like citizenship or pe for one to one learning support or just some time where there is supervision but where he can catch up.

I would hide food and money from him and take away the cables to anything electronic after 10 in the evening. Talk to him and just listen to him. Easier said than done and my one has driven me to the edge at times.

Just to give you a vote of sympathy, as ds1 (sort of NT) is like this already...pretending to do homework, pretending things are fine when they were previously but have slipped, stealing loose change for sweets, not letting us know if he has been in trouble until he is very serious trouble. He is only 12, so I think it is teen behaviour with a dash of ASD.
Listening to music in the bathroom bit made me laugh, that is so ds1! Any lengths not to do what we asked, even if not doing something takes miles longer than doing something

So this is what is working for us. Habits - keep reinforcing them even if you feel a bit of a fool. Send him back to brush his teeth even if it causes a 20 min set to. Stand your ground calmly on basic habits.
Ditto hiding stuff, locking stuff up, until they get used to not having easy access.
Keep asking to see his work, show interest and pleasure in it, even it is crap, even though he is past the age you should be checking up. In fact in a contrary sort of way, this can go well, as they like the attention even though they don't like being hassled.
Tell teachers they need to tell you straightaway when he hasn't handed in stuff..make it clear that you just want to know because he can't organise himself and you need two pronged attack.

Thank you for kind words, it really helps to be reminded that I am not alone and to see what tactics can be used. I ran out of places to hide stuff though, he already discovered stuff in the utility room, in the oven and the dishwasher. My last attempt was to hide his computer in the box with china in the attic, only to find a few broken plates from this box in the recycling bin, and obviously the computer under his mattress. LOL. Maybe he'll make a good forensic detective.

My big worry is that in terms of homework the school has done a lot and is running out of patience. Improving homework is on the IEP for a year and is sliding backwards. The school already withdrew him from one GCSE, to make space for curriculum support. They are supposed to use these two hours to do English, speech therapy and study skills. But lately they have been doing a lot of homework at school. They help him to keep a special planning sheet and really help a lot. The school wants me to pick up homework at home, which I was going for years. At the end of last year he seemed to be keeping up, so I decided it's time for me to withdraw a little. I have another son too. So I trusted him and just asking and checking instead of doing it with him. In the past English and humanities were difficult and I don't blame him. However maths was his preferred subject and he was best at school in maths challenge. So I don't understand why he stopped doing maths.

The school might argue I am the one who failed, but I just can't keep up.

I have a surprise meeting at school tomorrow about all this and I am uncharacteristically uncertain. Up until last year he didn't have any curriculum problems and the speech therapy was removed. But in July he failed English mock exam and the school is now spending a lot of time on English support and put pressure on him to do English. So he spends all weekend doing English at the expense of all the other 8 subjects.
We are in SEND tribunal appeal now about reinstatement of proper speech therapy by a speech therapist, rather than the LSA at school. In this context the educational psychologist suggested to use LSAs to do homework with him at school. But there aren't enough LSA hours and this would require dropping another GCSE. I don't even know if it is possible. Any experience?
I asked last year to drop PE, but they refused. Are there really precedents of doing support during PE hours?

I don?t want all this to play out in the ?he will copebetter in special school? scenario. The key really is how to switch his own motivation and responsibility. There will never be enough LSA time to push him all the way.

Go and see a specialist school. Not necessarily cos you want him in it, but because you need to see success in action for yourself before you can push for proper support.

You won't want to be in tribunal again next year, so you need to make sure everything necessary is in your advices. And at the moment you're confident on the old stuff but working blind regarding his 'newer' needs as an ADHD/ASD teenager.

There 'aren't enough' LSA hours= school's problem.
He 'has to' do English GCSE= school's problem.
'the school wants me to' do homework with him= school's problem
Want him to continue 8-9 GCSEs & PE= school's problem

There's no reason other than league tables that he needs English GCSE now, rather than during 6th form. The sodding english baccalaureate or whatever the govt are on about now is not your ds's responsiblity. High-grade A-levels in his strengths are more important than a late GCSE English.

He could do something he's good at eg additional Maths GCSE instead of the humanity,
Wasting his precious 2 hours of speech therapy and study skills tuition on pointless homework sounds to me as though the school think they're doing a lot, but actually have no clue at all about reasonably severe adhd/asd.

And (sorry) I think he's being a pain at home cos home has become an extension of the school week... and the school are looking borderline abusive in the way they're trying to get you to collude with their failure to address his needs.

It sounds like he is struggling to me phenikx

inaflap is right it is a big step up from yr 9 to 10. I think it is unfair of the school to expect you to pick up the slack with the homework. By the time my older Dd's were in yr 10 their maths at least was way beyond me.

I think the most they can expect is for you to ask and check that he has done it but if he says he has it is very difficult.

If it is a target on his IEP then how are they going to help him meet that target, if they just keep sending the homework home.

The homework thing infuriates me, schools seem to expect our children to suddenly learn to do it by osmosis and it really doesnt happen like that

The time spent on English at the expense of the other subjects must be really getting to him especially if it is his least favourite subject.

They push English because of their statistics but actually your Ds could probably go to college/6th form without it and later when he is older and can cope with it he can go back to it.

Hope your meeting goes ok, dont agree to anything until you have had time to think about it and make sure you keep the ball in their court with regard to homework, especially as it is on his IEP.

It took me so long to type that last night that I x posted with maria and said more or less the same thing

Anyway thought you needed a bump