Thanks so much again!
I really don't think there is anyone else quite like him in the family, Hothead. I've always thought ds2 was like me in some ways (early reader, ahead of peers in literacy, creative, hates failure, anxious) but there are a whole raft of behaviours that I don't think I have. We've always just said, 'o well, that's how ds2 is,' and tried to accommodate his idiosyncracies. In the car today he was getting really wound up telling me about an incident with his friend's dad - let's call him Bob. Ds2 told Bob he'd seen Mo Farrah and then David Tennant on different billboards and Bob kept saying, 'where? Are they on the street? Is Mo with David?' DS2 got really wound up and started saying how much he hated Bob and wished his friend didn't have a dad... I tried to explain that Bob was making a joke, but DS2 said, 'it really upset me and he shouldn't have said it.' I have no idea if this is anything to do with ASD but it's certainly the sort of thing that drives him crazy on a regular basis.
My concern now is that I'm interpreting all of his behaviour through an ASD lens and perhaps I'm attributing things to ASD that aren't anything to do with it.
He was never easy - a biter, a bolter, an escapologist from every buggy/bike seat, etc. He's much better at listening now but when he's absorbed (eg in a computer game, comic or lego) it's like he can't hear me, or he says, 'I can't help it.' But I know how much I hate to be pulled away from what I'm doing, so on one level his behaviour seems completely normal! But I have no idea what's normal after this week! He throws, slams doors, hits when he's angry and sometimes it feels like I'm dealing with a 3 year old again. He still tries to bite me sometimes when he's v excited. He got really stressed during half term about going back to school but his class teacher (who flagged up her concerns to the senco in the 1st place) has been great and he's a bit more settled now.
I spoke to my MIL about this and she wasn't remotely surprised about what Senco said. MIL's a retired GP, btw. She said that she's thought for a while that there's a massive disjuncture between ds2's intellect and his social/emotional abilities/intelligence. Her view - and I agree - is that we need to focus on how we can help this lovely little boy to manage some of the more difficult things he struggles with and that a dx might allow us to access help/understanding.
One thing I've realised this week is how flexible we try to be around ds2 - I don't mean giving in to him or giving him his own way, but not being too rigid around him.
The diary idea is brilliant, Ineedalife. Thanks. Will start it now. Feel a bit teary thinking how complete strangers have taken time out to reply. Thank you so much. I talked to a friend this week about this and she dismissed the whole thing and said don't be so ridiculous. She meant to reassure I think, but I suspect this will be a common reaction from people who don't spend a lot of time with him. DS1 has dyslexia and at one level I feel like an achingly middle class twit who's looking for a label to explain her other child's odd/bad behaviour. Having said that, it was the teacher and the senco who approached us, so I didn't go looking for this.
I suppose the point it that whether ds2 has aspergers or not, we need to help him find strategies to navigate his way through the world without unnecessary struggles.