Feel bad

[frizzcat]

Ds MS has children with various dx and struggles. One such little boy lets call him David has taken a shine to ds he also has a dx of ASD - but his needs are more complex than my ds.
David has been chasing ds and pulling ds ear - which hurts him and makes him cry. He also hugged dd 21mths so hard he nearly choked her. David is a lovely little fella and none of it is maliciously his dx means that he doesn't realise he's hurting or that it's inappropriate.

This morning I dropped ds off and David comes bounding up and reaches out to pull his ear - and I said no David, no pulling ears and the little fella looked at me and said "he my best friend" . Well my heart just broke for this little man because I know why and understand why he's doing it. I bent down and said "he's your best friend! Fantastic, but you know it makes him sad when you pull his ear". I don't know if he took it in. I've also spoken to ds to try and explain because he sees it as David being mean. I feel so bad for telling him not to pull ds ears, but I have to because ds is so upset about it. The school are also dealing with it and it will just take time.
The other thing is that whilst I was talking to David - I glanced at ds - who was looking at David with "that look" you know how nt children look at our dc. My heart broke even more I feel like one of these shitty NT daily mail reading families who sit in smug judgement of others difficulties.
I'll try to talk to ds again and try and make him understand but I do I explain "the look" being not very nice

frizz It really isn't your job to teach David appropriate behaviour. It is your job to protect your own child. Other people are PAID to teach David how to ensure that others respond to him nicely.

This is not your responsibility and not for your shoulders. Although if you can do anything to support the work of those PAID to do it, and facilitate David's learning (and your ds') you should do.

I know Star - the logic in me knows that but god my heart broke for him this morning. You just want to make ok for them

Frizz I think you handled it well.
You modelled to DS and 'David' how to set boundaries kindly.
I agree Star that it isn't frizz's job but I would like that type of patience and understanding for my DS when he gets it wrong.

I think you handled it well. You can't have another child hurting yours while you look on, we say this to the NT mums all the time (difference is you handled it appropriately and sensitively instead of clutching your pearls and posting 'AIBU to complain to nursery about this child breathing on my PFB ).

I wouldn't worry about 'the look' tbh. If your DS thinks a child is going to pull his ears it is appropriate behaviour for a 21mth old to give 'a look' - not sure how you can smooth that out at such an early age.

I think it was ok what you did really. My little man does quite a few inappropriate things, he has a particular fondness for babies at the moment which is nerve wracking ... I think the fact you told him but with the understanding that he doesn't totally get it is fine. Wouldn't it be lovely if all parents recognised kids struggles and tried to speak to them in an appropriate way (and understand when it doesn't quite work!) What a different school run that would be!!

It was actually ds 8 ASD that was giving the look - id seen him coming so picked dd up and out of range. I'm just not sure how to explain to ds that the "look" isn't nice or even if it's appropriate because he was on the receiving end of the pinching.

Thanks you lot - I feel a lot less like a daily mail reader

I agree porridge. I suppose I was just trying to reassure frizz that what she did was enough and that it is okay to look out for her own ds in this situation.

If my child is going to make mistakes, I would appreciate the frizz's of the world being the ones to spot and deal with the situation as firmly but as sensitively as she did. David's best chance at friends and social skills practice is when people point out the boundaries rather than shout/ignore/tell their children not to play with them. But that is as far as frizz needs to get emotionally involved.

Agree with all the above. That said, I seem to have a conditioned reflex to use a firm 'gentle hands', 'do x instead' type of response when any dc get carried away and heavy-handed (my own dc, their friends, random park strangers . It seems to work ok whether NT or more diverse).

I was just thinking that Maria - maybe I should have said how about doing Hi Five's instead to try and replace the inappropriate behaviour - will try that if it comes up again

Star I completely got what you meant - I think the reason Im upset is because David is pretty much dropped at the school gate and dp's don't wait - so David is left unsupported, it isn't for me to judge this, I don't know his family circumstances and so can only assume they are doing this because they have to. School staff are helping they are trying watch him in the playground before the bell, but with lots of children arriving with bikes, scooters and parents it can get hectic. He doesn't have provision for lunchtime supervision so staff are cutting short lunch breaks to supervise him. I just hope things get better for him