Let my children down today :(

[sagandswing]

We have a very stressful morning routine (aka making sure Ds is dressed and ready to leave on time) when I say stressful I mean for me!. Its the same every school day, I have tried just about everything sticker charts, getting up earlier (going bed earlier), rewards, leaving until he decides to get ready so no pressure but this just got ridiculous, visual prompts, eventually verbal prompts seemed to be the way to go so I stuck with that and dressing in the living room instead of his bedroom which also seemed to make a difference.

This morning I just had no patience what so ever. My Dd 3 has decided she no longer wants to dress herself, won't eat her breakfast, won't have a wash. Ds took all the time in the world to get ready (everything is ready bags, uniform, its just a case of getting dressed and having a wash) there are no distractions the tv doesn't go on until everyone is washed and dressed etc.

I snapped at Dd for wiping her nose on her sleeve to which she broke her heart and told me "but I love you mummy!" so she thinks I don't like her :(. Snapped at my Ds and said some pretty hurtful things pointing out that I will have to send Dd off ahead with a friend and then she will get upset because I didn't take her to school...so he will probably spend the rest of the day worrying if his Dsis was upset and crying because of this morning..which in turn will probably set him up for a bad day :(.

I have just left Dd sobbing with her teacher because she wanted to come home.

I feel so bad but I just couldn't help myself, I'm tired..and all I do is make my children think I don't love them..crying as I am typing, thinking maybe they would be better off with out me. Maybe everything really is my fault (Ds's difficulties)..Maybe after trying so hard not to I have just turned into my mum anyway, and I never wanted any of my children to ever feel the way that I did so I have failed there.

I don't feel like I can speak to anyone about this so I thought I would let it out on here...were nobody knows me.

Don't beat yourself up - we all have variable tolerance levels which not only make us appear inconsistent but also feel enormously guilty at not being super-tolerant all the time. So aim to be good-enough rather than perfect. Being good-enough means saying 'sorry, I didn't mean it, I was wrong, I lost my temper, I'm sorry I said mean things and hurt your feelings etc' and telling them that you love them. I tend to think one 'put-down' (unintended) requires 5 'puff-ups' to fix - so I deliberately list 5 things that I love about the DS I have upset.

Hi, i'm sure there will be someone along soon to give you some practical advice, but i wanted to say that you are not failing your children, just look at all the things you do to make your DS life easier.

You just had a bad morning, we all have them! If you can, try and have a relaxing day and focus on being kind to yourself and gaining the energy to start afresh this afternoon.

saga I cant pass by without giving you a hug.
You are normal. This happens here too. Not often (which I would imagine is the case also with you) and the guilt tears me up for the rest of the day.

I have found that a genuine apology, from me, without excuses goes a long way to fixing it. That and perhaps a treat from me e.g. on the occasions that I lose it with DS I make pancakes for breakfast the following day.
You will be modelling normal behaviour i.e. that people make mistakes and when they do, they do their utmost to fix it.

I second the 1 down to 5 up strategy. I have read that we all need '1 down to 3 ups' during normal day-to-day and 1:5 to flourish when we are stressed.
(that applies to you too...if you are stressed, do 5 things for yourself that buoy you up).

Now; for the practicalities. I may have posted on here about DD1 who I suspect has ASD. Your DS sounds similar. I tried every strategy to get her to do the school routine on time.
Eventually, I recruited Teacher on my side. So I gave DD1 a choice- she is capable of getting ready on time and I will help her or she can choose to be late. But I was not going to get angry and I was not going to have the other 2 DC late.
So for about 5 weeks, she got into the car in her pj's or half dressed while I took the others to school. Then we returned home, finished up and got to school (up to 30 minutes late ).
I got her to apologise to teacher every morning. Teacher praised her when she was on time, but asked her to make a better effort when she was not.
It has worked and has not needed to be repeated.

I hope thats of some use. You are not alone and you have not failed anyone.

Thanks everyone, the most ironic thing is I was only on here a few days back posting on a thread very similar and now I'm here balling my eyes out because I am useless.

Both of my children are becoming so clingy with me at the moment I constantly have both or one of them in bed with me at night for one reason or another (I try not to encourage this but I don't want to push them away either), the worst thing is that my Ds sat spilling his troubles to me last night about how he cries in class when people say nasty things to him and everyone laughs at him (broke my heart to hear but I tried to stay up beat and put a positive spin on it, but then I will spend most of my night when I should be sleeping thinking about what it must be like for him..and the same for my Dd when she has been upset about something..which then leaves me tired) then I went and did what I did this morning!

I'm supposed to be here to keep my Dc happy and safe but I just feel that I constantly let them down and now its just getting too much for me.

Oh saga, it's just your turn for the useless hat. I had it yesterday when I couldn't get DS to leave the park and he screamed and moaned all the way home because I wouldn't let him have his scooter as a consequence. It's shit and it feels shit, but it doesn't mean you are shit - it's just a bad day wearing the useless hat. Be kind to yourself today and then go and pick them up and have some clingy snuggle time.

no practical advice, just huge sympathies from someone else who has spent most of the morning in tears.

I had to do a double take at Maybe after trying so hard not to I have just turned into my mum anyway, and I never wanted any of my children to ever feel the way that I did so I have failed there.

I have that feeling a lot, and am struggling with it particularly at the moment. But (and I am saying this to myself as well as you!) - you are not your mum, and your children are not having your childhood. You sound as though you are incredibly patient and have worked out strategies to help through the difficult parts of the day (I too get the dds dressed downstairs, ds sleeps in our bed and I spend half the night in our dds bed!) - but, you know what, sometimes it is not enough and things fall apart, they just do, because no-one can maintain that patience all the time, and sometimes things are just hard.

As I say, no practical advice, but give your dcs a big hug when you see them later, and join me for a virtual cup of coffee and a big chunk of salty caramel chocolate, which I have just found in the cupboard.

Hi sage, sorry you have had such a crap morning.

Sleep deprivation makes everything 10 times harder.

People have already said most of what I would say but just to add,

I find if I ever tell Dd3 she is going to be late for school she is 100% garuanteed to go a slowly as possible.

She never really wants to go, mainly because of her difficulties with transitions. Staying at home would always be the better option for her so I choose my words very carefully in the morning.

Give them both a big hug when they come home and draw a line under today.

Good luck

With DS2 I use a combination of visual timetable, everything laid out and then leave him to do it himself with whatever is the biggest reward - deliberate use of language - short clear instructions plus motivator when he is dressed then he can play minecraft on my iphone. I then praise him for getting dressed rather than nag him (in other words making reasonable demands).

You are NOT useless. We have all had days like that, I bet there isn't a mum in the world who hasn't.

I'll second what others have said - try to have some "me" time beofer they come home (the bath would be nice) and then big hugs when they get home, maybe with a favourite tea?

We all have mornings like that.

How you deal with it later is the important thing now.
You have been given some good advice about apologising above. I find that it does work. It shows that you are human and can have a bad day too. If you explain it like that I find that it also takes the pressure of the children as sometimes they are so in awe of you who always seems to be able to do everything well and they think that they are never going to be able to do it too. Its a good opportunity for a conversation about how we all make mistakes and how we can put them right and move on.

sag, hope you are having a better morning today.

Hi hazeyjane yes thank you, all is back as is should be. Thanks for the coffee but I'm afraid I had to pass on the salty caramel chocolate (not much for chocolate, maybe thats were I'm going wrong! ). Thank you again and everyone else who posted . Its lovely to know that I have lots of virtual friends that can make me feel better when I feel like an absolute failure.

I apologised to Ds and tried to explain how I was feeling (a little tired) he said its ok I'm used to being shouted at now, everyone does it so I don't cry anymore . Then we had big hugs and I just did the usual thing of pointing out all the really lovely things he does when he does them. You could just see him beaming with pride and he had a little flap . I also apologised to my Dd but I think it went over her head , we had lots of cuddles and kisses and she helped me make tea (which she loves because she is little miss independant . She was tearful again when I took her to nursery but I think her teacher is automatically homing in on her now as soon as she sees her in the morning so she doesn't get as upset, which is good, I don't feel so bad about leaving her.

Sounds like a typical morning in my house and I don't think I'm useless!

OP, children are HARD WORK. Add SN into the mix and it's on another scale. You are just one loving parent, but you can't dress a stubborn 3yr old with love. The very REASON you are getting them dressed, feeding themr, washing them etc. is because you love them and the ungrateful little toerags know this.

Hi Alison222 thanks for the advice, I have always told Ds about how sometimes people make mistakes (he is very defensive if he gets something wrong especially with school work) and thats how we learn eg we put them right and then carry on but unfortunatly this caused MAJOR problems at school because he was arguing with the teacher last year that it was ok to make mistakes because "my mum said" infact it makes me wonder just how many times he has quoted me at school and got into a lot of trouble!!.

I can find my Ds mentally draining some of the time (usually when I am not 100% myself) because I have to constantly think about how I say something to avoid any confusion, then I also find myself listening to how everyone else is speaking to him so I can stop them from causing confusion...very tiring!, Typing that bit made me think I sounded really controlling .

star oh dear my eyes are welling again .

I can find my Ds mentally draining some of the time (usually when I am not 100% myself) because I have to constantly think about how I say something to avoid any confusion, then I also find myself listening to how everyone else is speaking to him so I can stop them from causing confusion...very tiring!, Typing that bit made me think I sounded really controlling .

saga....that doesnt sound controlling from here. I do it. Because I know DS so well, I know that the deeper meaning of words is often lost for him. I am his interpreter between what NT people say and how he hears it.
You obviously love him dearly, and that will get through to him most of all.

You are just one loving parent, but you can't dress a stubborn 3yr old with love.

Star that's going on my wall of quotes. So very, very true. Hope you're having a better day saga

Sag I have the same thing going on here, with a very stubborn, independent 3yo dd and 5yo ds with ASD. Star said it best - it is bloody hard work anyway, but with SN in the equation we have to work twenty times as hard. You should hear what I say to mine sometimes. I realised I was swearing a bit too much when 3yo dd recently said "Can I have a bloody yoghurt"

And it is so true, having not just to be a regular parent, but one that is constantly anticipating extra difficulties, translating the world for a child, and policing every interaction he's involved in (that's not controlling btw, it's essential) is exhausting. We have all found ourselves in situations where we are not just parents but have to be expert teachers 24/7, as well as being a parent for siblings, the never-ending exhausting battles many of us have re eduction, funding, care, respite, support - and on top of that we are expected to have a normal functioning life too. Honestly, it's a wonder we are not all alcoholics!

Know what you mean about turning into your mum too - mine is unbelievably critical (took it on herself just last week to tell me out of the blue that it was my fault dd was so stubborn as she was picking up on my mood. Cheers for that). I am so fearful of doing the same to mine.

You are doing a brilliant job, you are only human, and your dc will not suffer any effects because of you letting out a bit of stress, really.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better. FWIW I went to post on here earlier, just to offer sympathy really as I had a similar morning a few days back and had a bad night last night which made me grumpy today and the post I would have written a couple of hours ago was about sleep deprivation and how down it can make you feel-this afternoon i was thinking I must make an appointment at the GP I must have postnatal depression, I felt like everything was under a fog and even felt heavy and weak walking around as well as incapable.

Fell asleepbefore I could post and I now feel capable again after an hours catch up! It makes such a difference so please try not to beat yourself up, we all have those mornings and everything is just so much harder when you haven't had enough sleep-especially when that is months and months worth of sleep deprivation. It sounds like you have really turned it back around too and given the a lovely time.

I am going to remember the five positives thing.

Sag - I have more days like that than days when I feel in control.
I had tried PECS etc etc and then found out that DS is an auditory learner and tbh, the visuals meant that he had something else to focus on rather than getting ready
Most of the strategies that I use have already been mentioned, but I do also use competition. I have 3 DS though, so by nature quite competitive. DS2 is the referee. DS1 and DS3 have co-ordination issues, but if pit against each other, it really speeds up the process. Prizes are; first to get trousers on gets to choose the tv programme that night etc - nothing glamourous!