scared of my violent son

[thriftychic]

I have posted lots on here about ds2 , he was diagnosed aspergers a couple of weeks ago. we have been struggling loads with his aggressive behaviour when he doesnt get his own way and ive had some good advice about rewards and consequences etc

but , he continues to have these complete flip outs . sometimes he seems very calculated and just wants to make our lives as horrific as he can . he actually says sometimes that he is going to make my night a misery and then proceeeds to do that. he is getting worse . he follows me around poking me in the face , he tried to kick me down the stairs and punched dh really hard. he threw a very heavy object at ds1 and it just missed his head . he held a bread knife to my chest. i have tried to get the obviously dangerous things out of reach but there is always something he can use / do . and he goes on relentlessly , trying to get what he wants . eventually he is exhausted and will go to sleep but then the next day he is so miserable about it all he refuses to get up and go to school.

he 13 now , and very strong .

Have you read/talked to professionals about PDA (pathological demand avoidance)? As far as I know, it's underdiagnosed in the UK and can mask itself as different disorder, however, the coping strategies are totally different to the rest of the spectrum. Have a look, may be it will help?

oh gosh what a hard time of it you are all having x

is there anything in particular that makes him "flip out" ? Does it start at a particular time at night?

Perhaps changing the house evening routine round so it's more calming, more 1 to 1 time with you whilst DH has time with ds1 in another room or vice versa.

however violent he is it is still best to refuse to let him have what he wants and keep conversation short. Tbh only reiterate something along the lines of "please don't hit/throw/shout as it will not change anything. Try to keep level headed and calm tone as if what he is doing is having no effect.

I feel for you as it must be terrifyingly scary and upsetting for all concerned x

Wonder if on a "good" night you could say something simple like "you know I REALLY enjoyed your company tonight" but don't treat him for it. But in the morning before school say "you know what ds last night was wonderful how would you like to choose something special for dinner? Have an extra bit co computer time? Etc.

Maybe if the pattern is stuck to ie. immediate consequence on a down day but immediate praise on a second day when it went well he may get the gist over time that being respectful reaps rewards and a happy outcome x

none of it may work of course and perhaps seeking further proff help for behaviour management may be the best route.

Hugs to you

Thrifty, have you read the book on PDA . It is very helpful, and even though you're son has a diagnosis of Aspergers, the methods used for PDA may be helpful to you. You're sons remorsefulness the next day is common in kids with PDA too. You are having a dreadful time, the parents on PDA Contact are also used to this type of behaviour and are very helpful, maybe try a post there too?
My son is only 4 and although his behaviour alsos involves hitting and throwing things,he is only little. The methods we use with him do work though.

hi, couldnt get back on last night , thanks for the replies . dont have much time as i am off to an asd workshop put on my camhs in a minute . i have thought about pda , although camhs were quite dismissive about it . i wonder if i got across quite how bad ds2 is. i will bring it up when we see the psych again in a few weeks.
i just cannot get my head around this behaviour , the trigger seems simply to be just ANYTHING he cant have / do . he just wants all his own way end of!
this has had me thinking that hes just a particularly hideous teen , some sort of sociopath , i mean , is this really classic of aspergers. other people dont seem to be having it quite like this .
walter , what is the book called ?

i will check back later x

Hugs and never ever look at what others don't seem to be having as every DX is different x

There is an element of demand avoidance in asd children based on anxiety, the need to control their surroundings and outcomes. Not liking surprises ie. impulse decision to go on a trip, someone just arriving and coming into house etc.

it is fatal if I ever mention two little words. "Should" and "got to"

eg You should be asleep or you should be doing something this way.

eg You have got to do as you are told, you have got to go to bed.

it raises the inner battle as if he does do as he is told he is not in control. If he goes to sleep he won't have his questions answered or school will come quicker.

Sometimes it's the build up of holding it together all day so that there is nothing left to hold it together with x

My lad is only 7 and doesn't have the hormonal challenges of becoming a teen yet either x

Are you getting adequate support? It could be worth asking your local authority for a core assessment with a view to formulating a care plan. You may be able to get respite care.

There have been some recent posting on a similar thread elsewhere on this site. I have copied this from my earlier posting to that thread.

From what you say it seems that things are being held up by want of a diagnosis.
Rather than trying to address the issues surrounding the complexity of a diagnosis,look at the impact on you, the main career and your family and siblings. From that perspective there is clearly very considerable need that is not being addressed under the current arrangements.
From what you describe your position is desperate and yet you can not get the right buttons pressed to make things happen.
You need some respite to stop the family will imploding.
Accordingly ask for an emergency assessment from SSD under the terms of s17 Childrens Act on the grounds that the existing provision is clearly not keep you or the other family members safe. You should not have to face this level of pain from someone who you love so much.
Do not be put off by persons suggesting that the child would be taken from you. The chances of that happening are very remote and only after very significant failed intervention.
I hope these rather inadequate words go some way to helping you on a better path.

I hope this is of some help.

I would explore medication to get you through the teenage years. Get a referral to CAMHS or a paediatrician. Tell them what you have told us here and perhaps ask about ritalin, strattera, prozac or risperidone.

The other thing I have heard is mums have aaked Community police officers to come and have a word with violent teens. In the linear world of AS, it can be the only authority figure they understand.

Another vote for police. They're very straight talking.
If you assault your mum then we can arrest you. If you pull a knife, you are committing a crime. Suits AS teens very well.
Much more useful than caring carrot social worker types asking are you happy at home.