Feeling crappy, alone, and guilty - anyone else being referred to parenting courses?

[MsBrown]

I've received yet another note from dd's speech therapist today advising me she's put my name forward for a 'parenting course' as she sees that dd's stuttering is worsening.

She has said this course will help me learn how to help dd at home with her speech. She has also provided a list of instructions i should adhere to in the meantime, such as : slow down my own pace of speech, get down on her level when talking, allow her time to finish her sentences and gather her thoughts etc.

Two weeks ago I was referred to another parenting course specifically designed for parents of kids with HFA.

At dd's review meeting three weeks ago, her depute head advised me to start making 'play dates' to encourage friendships in the playground. She also said that her teacher has started a new system with dd (in regards to discipline/rewards etc) and that she hopes I'll do the same at home as it's completely important to have 100% cooperation from families.

I just feel completely guilty! I feel as if these professionals in my dd's life think I have somehow caused her to have ASD. They're all really lovely people, and I'm so lucky to have their support, but it doesn't stop me feeling like this. I see parenting courses as a complete insult. As if what I've been doing so far hasn't been good enough.

Also, i keep bursting into tears at every little thing such as my dd telling me she didn't play with anyone again today. But my dd is so happy at school! She enjoys just wandering around and observing, as opposed to joining in. She just doesn't understand the concept of free play, and this upsets me.

And everytime i go to family or friends about this, they just shrug it off with 'she's fine', she's only 4, she'll grow out of it' or 'every kid's like that'.

I actually believe them when I hear these comments, so then when i hear from the professionals that everything is NOT fine, it's like hearing her diagnosis all over again.

No point to this thread really. Just needed to get it out.

The problem with meeting with the professionals is that the focus is very much on what they can't do not all the great things they can do so it is very disheartening.

I think the parenting courses are meant as a means of support for you not to teach you to be a better mum. I went on a parenting course for asd and it really was fab, met some lovely people in the same boat and the people running it (LEA bods!) we're actually really kind and caring and supportive.

Although I agree they shouldn't call it a parenting course.

In many ways, Moondog's training is a parenting course, - at least it is a course where parents can learn how to help their children.

Parenting courses are not, by definition, unhelpful or a waste of time, - but nor are they, by definition, helpful.

You need to evaluate what you might get out of it, and the likely outcome for your child as a result. Don't waste your valuable hours on appeasing professionals.

My rule of thumb was to avoid general parenting courses, and to grab specialised language delay etc parenting courses with both hands. As others have said, I do think the term parenting course is a bit of an misnomer for the SN related stuff.

Bear in mind that some form of parent training is par for the course with SALT stuff - given that at very best, in ms, a SALT would come out once a week to see your child - and TBH for most it would be once a term if you were lucky - so it makes more sense for SALT to train you to work with your child, as you will have time and motivation to do so.

I do sympathise that being offered these courses, you must feel you are yet again part of a club you never asked to join .Have you only had inklings of possible SN fairly recently, say in the last year, out of interest? Just asking as I found the first year absolutely grim in getting my head round it.

The way I see it, if your child developed diabetes, you would need some training on how to handle that because not everyone has diabetes and it's outside the knowledge range of most people. However, not knowing how to handle diabetes doesn't mean that you are a rubbish parent, and no-one offering you training on how to handle the diabetes would be thinking you are a rubbish parent. They would just think you are a normal person who wasn't anticipating having a diabetic child and could therefore do with a bit of support and advice on recommended ways to manage the situation you find yourself in. Other than that they were born autistic, having a child with autism or SLI or any condition really isn't any different really - you couldn't have anticipated it, you probably don't know everything there is to know about it because you probably are not a specialist, so the support is offered.

Yes, but you'd be a bit pissed off if you were sent on a course called 'over-eaters annonymous'.

Hi MsBrown - first of all a big ((hug)) , as you're clearly having a tough time coming to terms with it all.

I know it's hard, but this really isn't about you. No-one will think that you caused your DD ASD and they certainly won't think you are a bad parent, they probably just recognise that you need support (as we all do) and are trying to help.

My motto on this is very much if help is offered take it, it doesn't make you a bad parent, it's just helping expand your existing knowledge.

Some have been a complete waste of time (who knew you shouldn't give hot liquids to babies and it's important to try and bond with your child?? ), but other more focused courses have been incredibly useful, especially the Hanen, sign language and emergency first aid courses.

My advice would be to go on one of the courses & see how it goes, but then again I've been on so many of these things now that I've probably developed a reputation of being the z-lister of the SEN world!...

Try not to take it too personally, it's their job to advise us.
I have been sent thee pieces of paper from salt. I have also been "invited" to parenting courses. Some I have gone to have been good but mainly not as I'm trained to deliver them so have already don't them when training.

The best course ever was family links, also known as the parenting puzzle, truely amazing.

I went on one designed for children with autism after DS was DX.
Because at the end of the day I thought I know how to support my NT child but this is a whole new ball game.i have to say DH was dragged along too but he felt we didn't need it we were doing a good job anyway ect ect
The verdict being its the best thing we BOTH ever did and wouldn't hesitate to be put forward to go on another.

one of the other benefits of some of these course is meeting others in the same or similar boat, etc...esp if you feel you don't have many people in RL at the moment who can truly empathize and 'get it'

You can make connections, find more info, other peoples ideas and what has helped them, etc and who knows maybe discover further groups, meetings, etc that may be happening in your area....maybe getting together with other families for outings, playdates for DC's...use it like a gateway for yourself.....if nothing else, at least you had a chat and coffee with other mums and dads who are in a similar position, etc....one course may lead to finding a more suitable one, etc
Lots of positives with these courses...I'm not saying that parenting courses are appropriate but if they are specific to your DC then obviously that's great (as above)...it also depends on the person/people delivering the course...but all in all, I'd see the positives with these courses and go and enjoy the social side and possible links you may make, etc and if you hook into something for yourself and your DC, then great!

I've not been offered parenting courses, however, I have taken some in the past that I found very interesting. There's always at least something you can take away from it. It certainly doesn't mean you're a rubbish parent. But it is an opportunity to learn, which never hurts.

As far as the discipline method thought up by the teacher, I would most likely ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss it, to make sure that it is appropriate for your child. I'm a bit baffled why they didn't seek your input on it, tbh, as you know your chlid well enough to be able to provide some insight into options that may make it more (or less) helpful.

But yes, we try to coordinate with the school on behaviour management, so it's consistent. For example, they use green/yellow/red cards and sand timers, so we use them at home as well. Because they use the ipad at school as incentive (reward) for good behaviour, we decided against buying one for him for Christmas, as we don't want to lessen the impact of using it at school for now.

No point feeling guilty, really. Just a matter of viewpoint. The thing is, they are providing support and suggestions on how to help - that's what they are SUPPOSED to do!! Try not to take it personally - just use the support as it is intended.

Starlight - yeah, it does sound awful, though I think it's probably just a shortcut. We call them parent training courses but that does sometimes get shortened to parenting classes, very unfortunate. Most of ours are actually called 'officially' by the name of the course - so we have EarlyBird, More than Words, etc etc...much better...

DH has been on one, and found it very helpful, esp the contact with other parents.

It is really upsetting to be TOLD you need to go on a parenting course. However, they are usually very helpful, mostly from listening to other parents and their viewpoints/problems.
On Autism parenting course I went on, the parent was telling us all how she found nothing to like or praise about her child What a wakeup call that was for giving praise and encouragement...but you see I would never have thought of it from that angle until I heard someone articulate their negative thoughts so starkly.
Another friend whose child had a stutter started off thinking it was straightforwardly a technical issue for the child, who otherwise had no problems at all but then slowly realised it was the whole family's "problem". He was the good child who didn't like to talk too much, that was his role....

But in some cases there is limit to the amount of time you have to do all this stuff. I made the decision not to go to Parenting Teens class recommended by ASD group, because the evenings were bad enough without adding in the stress of trying to get to another appt!!! So you can say STOP if you feel overwhelmed. Often even small shifts of approach work magic.

Far more important than the course title is the content. (I'm often quitely amused that the very people who are charged with helping my ASD child develop social skills get away such appallingly patronising attitudes towards parents - seems many of them could do with a little training themselves in social interaction )

Specialist courses such as Hanen, more than words etc should be grabbed with both hands. We face challenges waaay outside the norm for the parent of the average NT child on a daily ongoing basis.

I've refused point blank to attend a general parenting course before now. (I know my kid needs 3 square meals a day, structure and bedtime thanks). I don't have the spare time to massage someone's ego, when I could be productive elsewhere getting the specialised info I really need. Do enquire about course content before turning down any free help!

I pay privately to go on various specialist courses to obtain the knowledge I need to help my child. (Been told off for doing so too by a SW lol!). I buy books, read clinical research papers and generally educate myself as much as I can. My son's time with any individual professional needs to be as productive as I can possibly make it iyswim, so I need the knowledge to ask the right questions.

I try and ensure that target setting, behavior management etc is as much of a partnership between myself and the professionals as possible as a consistent approach yields the best results. Often I'm the only one who sees the "whole picture of the child" between all the different disciplines and environments, but I'm not a SALT, an expert in the NC etc. The buck also stops with me, not some "expert" who won't even remember my kid's name in a few years.

I'm convinced this is the right approach as my son's progress has only come as a result of my pulling out all the stops on all fronts to both get the authorities to help him, AND busting a gut myself at home with him to supplement any help obtained via school etc. The little boy who couldn't make eye contact at 4 and sat rocking & verbally stimming all the time is now running into school laughing and joking with his peers.

ASD is a series of developmental delays - NOT halts! Our children learn differently and at a different pace to the norm, but they can and do learn given the opportunity and the right teacher. The teaching part of our role as parents is SO much more critical to an ASD child than it is to their NT peers that it's well worth developing a rhino hide sometimes around some professionals, just to get the potentially life changing knowledge we need to help them.

I was wondering if the SALT course was a Hanen course. If it is, please grab it with both hands. An excellent course, well worth attending. Like other posters I look at the specialist courses as helping me to parent my SN child. I can parent an NT child fine, thank you very much, but I could do with some help with my ASD child. Earlybird was a bit basic, Hanen much better, but even Earlybird helped me to meet others in the same boat, which was really useful.

'ASD is a series of developmental delays - NOT halts!'

I really like that Bochead!

Trouble is the professionals don't always know who needs blindingly obvious three meals a day and a good routine sort of advice (many do) and who needs pointing in the direction of full on evidence based practice and latest research.

On the one hand, I?ve had good value out of parenting courses (workshops/classes/whatevers), both general-purpose ones and super-whammo specialist ones. These days I think of them as similar to the ?practitioner workshops? that I use at work to maintain and improve my skills, to learn from specialists in my field, and to meet other people who?re dealing with same kind of issues as me.

I did feel insulted about the first parenting course I went too, like why were they asking me to go on a parenting course when I was the one who was having to tell the school how to manage my DS? But actually I got a lot of benefit, including a lot of reassurance that no it wasn?t anything I?d done wrong

On the other hand I would find it very exhausting to try to do too many different workshops or courses at the same time, and I might not take as much in. So if it sounds like too much at once, see if you can postpone one of them for a few months and do it later.

Oh and don?t feel pressured to do what the school tell you to do. If the depute head is asking for ?100 per cent co-operation from families? then I hope she?s willing to offer 100 per cent co-operation from the school too! Anyway, they may start off with good intentions and it?s a good thing if they tell you what they?re doing so you can decide how much to fit in with them, but you don?t have to go along with anything that feels too demanding or even just plain wrong. You?re the Mum and it?s your decision.

You sound like a very caring Mum who's doing the right things for your DC