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Original poster

At what point do you say something to your child/ren?

11 replies

essbee · 04/04/2006 11:37

I've finally accepted that my ds has some kind of special needs and it all seems to point to somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

He's (hopefully) about to get 1 to 1 all the time at school and i've just found out i've got dla for him. I've tried to talk to him quite a lot about things but haven't wanted to actually explain that he is different. I suppose I haven't wanted to actually believe it myself. He does occasionally ask questions though.

Do you ever tell them? If so when? and how? finally would you also talk to your other child/ren about the other child's problems so they understand a bit more.

Thanks loads. Oh and my ds is about to turn 8 and my dd is 4.5

OP posts:
LazyWoman · 04/04/2006 12:53

Hi,

This is something I've been thinking about myself recently - I have 2 ASD kids DD (11) & DS (10). They are both home-educated and are probably in the "high-functioning" end. I wondered if my DD felt she was different from her friends at Girls Brigade and recently asked her. She said "the same". When she joined nearly 2 years ago, I put down on the form that she was autistic and mentioned some of the problems she might face. However, when she joined Le Club Francais a year ago I didn't mention anything and so far she's doing fine.

My kids are more sheltered than your DS is - and I think he'll click that he's different at some point when he sees that he has his own teacher etc. Perhaps that's the time to tell him that he learns differently than most other children which is why he's got his own helper. Always stay positive about him - and don't get too down if he seems to be learning slowly - they usually get there in the end!

I don't think you can keep it hidden from his sister for ever but she's a bit young to explain in too much detail at the moment. I prefer to talk in terms of different learning styles and play up on their "special" abilities - fantastic memory etc.

Hope this helps. Good luck. :)

tobysmumkent · 04/04/2006 12:54

Hi, sorry but I can't help with explaining to your DS (not reached that stage with my DS2 yet). Although I have bought a book "Finding out about AS, HFA and PDD" by Gunilla Gerland, for some time in the distant future when DS2 understands more....it's brief, aimed at AS youngesters, but might be a good intro for your DS? If he's starting to ask questions, he's probably starting to realise, and I suppose this is your cue - good luck!

When we started to suspect that DS2 was ASD, I started to talk to DS1 about the difficult things, to the point of giving him a running commentary while DS2 screamed his way through places! I also tried to use humour throughout and keep it jolly!!! (very tricky on some occasions - "When we get out of the car, Toby will probably start screaming, because he's feeling scared", said as cheerfully as I could manage!)

And we got a couple of books out of the library (My brother Sammy was one. There's also My brother is Different and I'm sure there's others....). Other than that, just try to be matter-of-fact about the differences for your DD, I'm sure that this has helped my DS1 be very open and matter of fact about his brother, tells his teachers, friends etc things in a positive way.

Glad you've got the DLA and 1-to-1 in place, hope it goes well for all of you.

Piffle · 04/04/2006 12:59

Ess honey I am so pleased you have got the 1 to 1 and dla. I think your dd knows her ds pretty well, his unpredictability and mood swings - so soon you will be able to explain in more shape what actually it is that affects ds.
Are you around evenings for a call?
Same number? Or text me your home number?

lilianna · 04/04/2006 13:08

hi not sure if this helps but ds1 is 3 with cp. I have already explained things to him and he already understands his needs are different to others as he is in pre school. Don't hold back the truth but explain why and how they are different to other people or need that extra help, also let them know they are not alone. are you able to contact another family in the same situation? best of luck and they will thank you in the long run.

dinosaure · 04/04/2006 13:09

essbee I started a thread on this very topic a little while ago and got some very helpful and interesting replies. I'll just see if I can find it for you.

dinosaure · 04/04/2006 13:16

I've emailed you Smile

jenk1 · 04/04/2006 16:16

Weve told DS that he has ASperger Syndrome on the advice of the psych that he is seeing.

He has took it really well, we bought a book off the NAS its called "What is Asperger Syndrome and how will affect me"?

He identified with a lot of points from the book and speaking as a person with AS myself, the minute you think your DS is old enough to understand - tell him!!!

It has really helped my DS understand why he feels the way he does and he is slowly getting the fact that other kids dont think the same as him although he wont have it that his way is not right!!!

PutAPeachyInYourSimnelCake · 04/04/2006 16:31

Sam knows he has Aspergers, I think it helps him to understand the things he can't fo without thinking its his fault.

I have explained in the context that DS3 has bad allergies, and a friend has dyslexia... we all have something different about us and things we find hard. With some people its more visible than others, that's all.

he seems to get it.

We're a very accepting family generally though so he has nothing to base any dislike of himself on: if he wants to crawl around Tescos so be it. I'll have to deal with it one day but he's not ready yet.

DS2 knows too, it helps him asthey're so close in age and he frequently ahs to nanny Sam at school and other places.

mumeeee · 05/04/2006 10:31

My 14 year old has dyspraxia and we explained this to her just after we found out she was 7 or 8. She had already noticed it took her longer to do things then her friends did.
She is now able to explain what dyspraxia is to other people and has spoken to some of her friends about this.

Original poster
essbee · 05/04/2006 11:47

lazywoman - (love the name!), I think that's my gut feeling actually, telling him when he gets the 1 to 1. It's just so hard to know what really is best. I think that's a good idea about talking about the special things.

tobysmumkent - those books sound worth getting hold of, I shall join my library and get those out! Thank you! Your running commentary reminds me of something my dd said recently. My ds was losing it and shouting that he hated me and my dd said matter of factly "he doesn't really hate you Mum, he's just feeling cross, isn't he?"..

Piffle - have been wanting to catch up with you! Same mobile! Within days i'll have free landline calls in the evening so text me yours!!! x

liliana - I don't know anyone here with the same problems but I'd love to get to know some. Anyone in Exeter? Grin

dinosaure - thanks! have replied Smile

jenk1 - excellent! That's the kind of confidence I wanted to hear. I shall get that book out too! Fab!

Peachy - I love the idea about talking about special things about diffrent people. That sounds a perfect way to start the conversation actually.

Mumeeeee - see my ds does acsks questions which is whats partly prompted this thread. I want to be as honest as I can without upsetting him.

Thanks all of you, loads!! x

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEwife · 05/04/2006 11:51

I have never told ds2 that he has any probs as i try to give him a normal childhood
he has sggd

all the children except for ds3 have been told the truth on ds2 and his life expectancy
and our wishes

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