how would you respond to this ?

[thriftychic]

i am shaking with fury , although i know this may be ott but i am feeling horrible at the moment.

i have just spent the last 2 years in turmoil with ds2 , he has been having frequent meltdowns where he is violent, aggressive , awful . i have practically nothing left in my house that he hasnt broken including my heart. he has been suicidal , stolen my money , got in trouble at school. its been hell. hes a big 13 year old teenager.

everytime i have phoned my mother in desperation , sometimes for help during a meltdown and sometimes just to talk to , her response has been a big dramatic 'oh god oh god this is breaking my heart , i cant sleep worrying , this has to be sorted etc ' she has also said lots of things like 'your letting him rule the roost' 'just send him to his room' tbh no use to me at all.

her partner has got annoyed that the situation is upsetting my mum as he then gets it in the neck and doesnt want her upsetting etc and has said he will 'come round and sort him out' when ds2 was refusing to go to school , had had me locked in the bathroom , i phoned and got a load of stuff about how it made HER feel and then said her partner was coming round and he was fuming , to which i told him not to and then heard nothing more from then for a week. they live 5 minutes away.

last week i broke the news that ds2 has been diagnosed AS and ended up being a bit shirty with my mother about the lack of support, she said she had done evrything to help and ended up putting the phone down on me . i havent spoken to her since but have just opened a message asking for our menu choices (for her wedding) ending with 'hope alls well xx'

of course all is not sodding well. i am still coming to terms with the diagnosis for a start and really think an apology would have been better.

im sorry for ranting but how would you respond ?

Would it help to take a step back, and ask yourself if she has been all that unreasonable?

Firstly, AS probably wasn't a common thing at all when your Mum was young. Secondly, we struggle as parents, and it's easy to forget that our own parents are no different.

I honestly think that Grandparents find it incredibly hard when there are problems they can't fix.

You didn't know your DS had AS before you got your assessment, so he probably did just seem naughty, lots of children do before diagnosis.

It's horrible, I have the same stuff, but I do think it's unhelpful for you to see it as your Mum being 'in the wrong'.

As for what I'd do. The approach I take, is waiting until there isn't a crisis, and saying 'oh DD did x, y, z earlier, it's so interesting, because and it's so classic! It's amazing how we used to think it was just hysterics, but actually, now I can see.....

It sort of highlights issues without the confrontation. Drip drip drip.

i know if it was my grown up child having a crisis i would do my crying later and not make them feel guilty all the time for 'putting their problems on me'
i would concentrate on helping them.
i would understand that its not easy to get your head around a diagnosis and i wouldnt slam the phone down.

i'd like an apology.

In your parents [and mine] day children who caused any issues were smacked, caned, beaten and then if all else failed sent to reform school

The people from that generation who were quirky were either crushed or hidden.

My mother and step father are very similar except they live an hour away to avoid any emergency help calls.

I have no advice for you sorry, but you are not alone.

its the way she just ignores everything i.e puts the phone down on me one day and acts like nothing happened the next.
forever brushing things under the carpet.
i dont think i can keep quiet any longer

Is this something that she's always done, or has it only been over DS?

I'm not minimising what's been done or said at all but you have a dx to get your head round. It will only be the start of your fight for support for DS, I'm afraid. I'm not sure if having a real humdinger of a fight with your mum right now is going to help you move forward for DS. You can't fight a battle on two fronts. But I completely understand why you want to ((hugs))

she has always done it. she has bought us gifts galore , everything except be a friend .

when she came round last time she knew ds2 had had me trapped in the bathroom and bruised my wrists the week before , but she talked about the weather , her wedding, the price of bloody cheese

I think that right now you are feeling very sad and upset and vulnerable - you have a dx to get your head round. And what you want is what we all wanted - someone to come along and put their arms round you and listen and help make it better. And you'd like that person to be your mum.

But it also sounds like that's not what your mum is, she is much more focused on herself.

Does that sound about right? I don't want to put words in your mouth...

Just read your post and not the various responses but your mother is displaying narcissistic traits. Have a look at the 'stately homes' thread in relationships which deals with parents like this. Parents where everything is somehow always about them and the impact that has on their children. You will at least see you arent alone.
These types of self absorbed parents can be extremely hard to deal with. Theres some decent books out there on dealing with this. I would have a go at explaining to her thta you'd like her support rather than feeling you have to protect and effective parent her too. If that doesnt work (and it probably wont) you need to find way of coming to terms with what she is like and therefore what you can realistically expect from her (ie: can you manage a parent who never actually parents you?)

You arent wrong to expect better. You do deserve better, but you probably wont get it from her.

wilson , thankyou that is exactly how i feel . i have just burst into tears . maybe i need some happy pills from the doctor . i dont feel like i am in my right mind at the moment.

Oh sweetheart, it's not you, it's your mother. And the fact your DS has just been dx'd. Anyone would feel the same way - WE ALL DID! What you're feeling is absolutely 100% normal. I think where you can help yourself a little though is to step away from your mum at the moment. She isn't going to give you what you need so protect yourself from further hurt by not asking for it. Just disengage and focus on DS.

I know, much, much easier said than done, but when you're feeling a bit more stronger then you can look at the stuff Firsttimer has mentioned, there's lots of support on MN for children of bad mothers! And lots of support here for you.

I promise it does get better. Not that DS will magically 'get better' but that the dx is such a huge step forward for your family and that it can empower you. But for now you need to circle the wagons and concentrate on DS.

Imagine you have a wall of steel around you and him. There's a big strong gate too. You can let anyone into the gate that you choose, but you're only going to choose people who will support you and him. Anyone else can stay outside the gate. Their words and actions can't hurt you, they just bounce of the walls. And you can stay in there for as long as you like, until you're ready to tackle the slings and arrows of the world. And mothers.

Sorry if that's a bit woo!

thankyou wilson , i am a bit woo !
one of the things thats worrying me is that i keep thinking that maybe it isnt AS , that hes been misdiagnosed , i mean i know his behaviour is not normal but our main problem is that he absolutely has to have his own way and have what he wants all the time . he fits oppositional defiance disorder pretty well.
also i never noticed anything wrong with him when he was little and it was some time after he banged his head (which coincided with puberty) that he started acting up.
he couldnt cope with the transition to high school and they suggested aspergers and so straight away we were under the ASD team at camhs and 2 years later hes diagnosed AS . my head is so full of ifs and buts . i think im going mad . i dont think i am thinking straight.
dh thinks he has the right diagnosis. we havent even told ds2 yet.
he views anyone else with SN as weirdos etc (even though i have tried to make him understand) it is going to send him crazy telling him he has a special need , he thinks hes above them all at his school.!

ODD is on the spectrum too though, isn't it?

I don't think the details of the dx are that important tbh. It's the fact that you have one, and that is the gateway to support which should be tailored to fit DS needs. Focus on that rather than the label iyswim. My DS has a dx of social communication disorder but the more his peers mature, the more I have come to think that he is HFA. But changing his dx wouldn't get him more help at this point, so it's not something I worry about. I just get on with fighting with school implementing the right strategies.

I feel the most important thing for you is you'll now get (and be able to give) support and understanding rather than going 'he's so difficult'. You know there's a reason - does it really matter what that reason is called?

You are not going mad. You are reeling and probably a bit in shock.
Same symptoms, different dx!

I need to go and do some work now but I'll pop by later x

No one in our family knows ds has an asd diagnosis simply because although they are nice people they won't understand and I don't have the energy to spare on how they feel about the situation. As sad as it is I think you may have to accept that your mum won't be giving you the support you need and is in fact making you feel worse about an already difficult situation.

Just because I don't discuss it with family doesn't mean I am without support though I've just found it else where, a close friend,, other parents in the same situation etc

We spend so much time trying to understand our ASD child, we need to have so much patience with them. Is it really asking too much for our parents to do the same for us?

Have you had a look at Pathological Demand Avoidance - you might find that better fits your experiences than ODD.