Would you ask for a referral?

[Jingleflobba]

DS is 12. After a bloody awful few weeks we are at the end of our rope with his behaviour. It's hard to describe really, he is very argumentative, takes minor issues totally out of context and blows up at things in a way that is totally out of proportion.
We have had major changes over the past year, new baby, house and high school but I thought he was coping fine. He loves his new school, dotes on his baby sister and as we have only moved about 5 minutes away from our old house there has been no loss of friends through the move.
He is obsessive about 2 interests - Trains and cars, has to know the ins and outs of them. The things he could tell you about the workings of a steam train, the history of a certain engine would leave you stunned. He's had adults listening to him in museums!
His reading has taken years and alot of support from school to get to a standard that means he doesn't have to now take extra literacy. He actually reads pretty well and is amazing at maths and science. Tying shoelaces however is still a work in progress.
He cannot tell or for the most part understand a joke, he's far too literal in interpreting instructions - if the obvious way to do something isn't possible he doesn't even consider working around the problem.
He will not learn from experience. At the moment he is swearing an awful lot, when he gets frustrated or arguing with us. Sanctions are taking a ridiculously long time to work (loss of tv in room, early bed, grounded).
There is more but listing would earn me the award for longest ever post! I have been on the autism website and without wanting to resort to Dr Google he seems to fit the description of Aspergers in many ways, other ways not at all.
So, in my position what would you do? I should add that DH doesn't agree at all. He thinks DS is lazy and badly behaved and that I am making excuses and babying him.
If you got through that lot thanks, any advice is massively appreciated.

it could be aspergers, or it could be something else - not being able to tie his shoe laces is a red flag for me for dyspraxia.
If you are struggling to cope I would say it is time to get some outside advice, so you can understand him better, and help him.
My nephew has dyspraxia - and my DSis really struggles with his behaviour.

Thanks for the reply mrs, I am doing a lot of reading this morning inbetween MNetting and dyspraxia is next on the list
It has been very hard recently, he's such a lovely boy in so many ways, very sporty, has good friends etc and it's heartbreaking to see him struggling like this. I am going to get him into the Dr's I think whether DH supports it or not. I just don't want to put him through whatever they do to assess him and be told it's because he's hitting puberty at full speed...

I've linked to this before. Here is another version.

To me, it would seem that there are a lot of red flags, certainly enough to warrant a referral for an assessment.

• argumentative, misunderstanding context of issues, obsessive interests with a high degree of knowledge, difficulty with reading although very bright. Fine motor problems.

To me the most obvious thing (from my DS) is the whole Theory of Mind problem. That someone on the spectrum just cannot understand what is happening in someone else's mind. So their behaviour will appear selfish, rigid, literal. Little lateral thinking. Also being unable to understand jokes. Hope that helps

It does porridge thank you. Read your post like a nodding dog, apart from the fine motor skills it describes him to a tee. Fine motor skills are something he has never struggled with apart from tying laces. For a while we put it down to being a left hander in a righthanded house and tried to adapt our way of teaching him, to no avail. He has a group of wonderful friends some of whom also struggled and they taught themselves in their own way.
Putting himself in someone elses shoes is a mystery to him. He cannot understand why if he says something to upset his sister (7) she is upset. Asking him to imagine how he would feel if she said it to him mystifies him. He 'thinks' he would be upset but he can't feel it IYSWIM?
Will read the links. Thank you very much.

You could be describing my son - such hard work! We have only just been given dx after years of battling as he's so complex (AS/PDA) so I would definitely request a referral.

You could try backward chaining to teach shoelaces.
My DS has (like many children on the spectrum) a funny profile of being able to do some things but not other, seemingly related tasks. E.g. he was determined to be able to tie his school tie and can now do it. But tying a bow? no way.
Delighted that he can tie a blown up balloon on itself, but struggles to lift the top on a fresh carton of milk.
Best of luck.

Well I have made an appointment to speak to our GP. Your replies on here have convinced me. DH still thinks I am makingnsomethingnout of nothing but after speaking to a family member today she agrees with me that he is in denial that he needs to be assessed. I may be wrong, he may just be in a phase but it needs looking at.
Thank you for all your help, I should have posted on here a long time ago!