Grandparents who don't 'get it'!

[gallivantsaregood]

Hi,

I apologise because this has probably been done over and over again. But what to you do when your own parents just to 'get' your children.

My little boy has lots of complex medical issues, mobility issues, completely tube fed but also has many adhd and asd traits. ( Told he would get diagnosis if he were to be assessed, but we don't feel it necessary atm as school work with strategies we give them and it is working well). Cognitively he can present as very able but socially/emotionally the gaps are starting to get bigger. He struggles with some things more than others and whether he truly has Adhd and Asd or whother his issues are down to the huge amounts of time he spent in hospital for the 1st 5 years of his life doesn't matter.

My mum, who has worked with troubled teenagewrs for 30+ years just doesn't get him at all and treats him like he is naughty when he just isn't coping. He particularly struggles with saying goodbye to people (only people he has an attachment to) and she insists on trying to force him to say goodbye, give hugs and kisses and gets annoyed at him when he is crying!!
GRRRRRR!! I have tried and tried to explain but no - she knows best!. As far as she is concerned he is just naughty ( and he so, is not. He has a lovely nature but struggles with specific things, sensory stuff etc)

My DS does see her quite a bit but due to his medical situation he hasn't really spent a lots of time with her, without me or his dad being there. She does want to spend time with him but I really worry how she will respond to him when we are not there and so I don't really encourage him to want to go.

WHat do I do. Just carry on trying to get her to understand, which then causes friction or just accept she isn't going to change and continue with the level of contact they have? She thinks that because he now doens't live in hospital that he is 'fixed' and that is not the case. It takes lots of ard work to keep him well, but she doesn't see it. He is disabled (or enabled as my friend's husband described him, which was lovely) and struggles with his mobility but is mobile but she just can't accept that..............

GRRRRRRR!!! I suppose is all I want to say. Can anyone wave a magic wand and sort her out. I love her, but my love for DS and his happiness supercedes this. He needs to come first and although there are times when he is naughty (obviously) and I am happy for him to be corrected etc at those times, I truly can't bear the thought of him getting into trouble for things he simply cannot help and which need to be managed in a different way to minimise his distress.......

Sorry for the epic post. If you have any ideas, please share 'cos I am getting to my wit's end.

Thanks

It is just rubbish! Makes it worse that it is my own mum I think. If it was hubbies I would have to get him to sort her. But I have tried til I'm blue in the face...... maybe we just need to tell them to f* off!

My DM is similar to yours galli, she is completely blinkered though and won't admit fullstop that he is not NT, she has made a few hurtful comments about my being paranoid etc, she doen't even call him naughty.

I'm afraid I just didn't have the strength to try and convince her and I do not see her very often

On the other side of the coin though, is my DF who was exactly like your DM by the sounds of it, thought he was being naughty when he was having sensory problems etc, I pointed him to autism websites and gave him the reports and asked him, for MY sanity, would he please read them.

He was so shocked at how well it described DS he has never doubted it since and is an absolute gem now

guess what I'm trying to say (badly) is that it depends on the person, DF surprised me, I thought he would be hard to convince as he is quite old fashioned. Don't know if that helps or not

Grandparents do seem to have a major denial factor going on a lot of the time! I'm sure in time she will come round but it is frustrating!

Wouldn't like to be in your shoes Leonie, I have 3 sisters and a brother as well as my DF and although I don't think they quite realise the difference a good statement can make for instance, they are there if I need them.

Sorry you MIL is all you have available and that she is such a witch by the sounds of it (no offence meant there)

Hugs and x

same problem here. my ds2 was diagnosed with AS last week and the 2 years of hell with little support from my mother came spilling out when i presented her with the news . she had told me its all because ive let him 'rule the roost' that he just needs a good crack etc on hearing about the AS she suggested it would be better not to tell him

Another one on the bench for this.
I think this was linked to on here before. Now, I have never given it to my parents as I am practicing detaching from them enough that their comments run off of me. But it's always good to know I am not the only one who has this problem

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Nearly a month of on-site grandparents (on and off, in relays). Gone now (just over 6 hours ago... Who's counting)

My parents are great. My inlaws........have avoided us for nearly a year, don't visit, and just give middle dd the odd bag sweets to show they.........care

life is peaceful without them can you lose yours

Nice to know we are not alone. Thank you all. Especially porridgefor the link :-D

I do think if we got him assessed and he had an 'official' diagnosis ( community paedophile is clear we would) then mum would behave more appropriately. However I don't see why I should have to put him through assessment when in all other aspects of his life, with the right strategies, he manages very well...........

Should I ask for assessment it not? What are your thoughts please? X

Thoughts on assessment would be I'd it was just to point matters out to his grandparents then no x

If you are noticing the social/emotional gap widening to an extent it is causing distress for him then yes as it is senior school that might be the difficult one as demands and expectations are higher as is peer pressure. In which case at that point it might be useful from a support point of view.

Your own instincts will tell you what to do for the best :)

community paedophile

That was in galli last post. Curse of autocorrect I guess.

I would, because sadly as coff33pot says, you might come across teachers with the same attitude later and a DX would be vital then too.

The assessment process shouldn't be that bad.

I would say though that community paed saying that is pretty much a diagnosis and it is a shame your mum won't accept it as such without needing a piece of paper. I do feel for you, get the same attitude here from several people even with a diagnosis of severe autism...I just 'don't train her' enough apparently.

And would your mum read a book about ASD? Maybe someone here can suggest a good one about the behavioural aspects, all the ones I have read deal with communication and sensory issues which are not so relevant here.

Ten Things I found a good book for my parents I bought it on amazon :)

Yes books and leaflets are always good for grandparents I've found

Dev: OOPS Community Paediatrician of course....

Thanks folks. Will give serious consideration to the assessment. The gaps are definitely getting wider and his anxieties definitely rearing their heads more...I do worry that he will reach a point that all of a sudden things will become too much, even though right now they are manageable on a day to day basis generally.

We are seeing clinical psychologist at the end of the month about possible CBT to help with medical anxieties ( Not sure he it will be effective for him due to the way his wee mind works, but prepared to see what she says). In preparation for the meeting I sent a list of all his little 'quirky' behaviours and his anxieties so we will see what she makes of it......

The most rubbish thing is my mum knows loads about Autism and ADHD but she just won't apply her knowledge of DS!! She has always been very clear 'you should never social work your own family'. However in this instance it would be VERY helpful for DS!!

Thanks again folks. Most appreciated