French Exchange for boy with Asperger's?

[Kleinzeit]

Here's a fine one! DS is aged 14, had an Asperger's diagnosis and is in mainstream education. He used to have one-to-one support in primary school due to his unpredictable aggressive outbursts. Support has been gradually withdrawn and now he mostly manages without. And he is doing well, cheerfully getting through his work and I've not had any calls from the school in over a year. Which is lovely. He hasn't had a physical aggressive outburst in, let's see, 18 months now -- though that was a major one.

DS has been away on school trips in this country and has always enjoyed himself, but he's always had adults around who are aware of his needs. He still struggles a bit socially at school and his manners are, well, you know, a bit odd and often less than perfect.

So. The school are doing a French exchange and DS has put his name down! Part of me thinks it's great, another part of me thinks it could all go horribly wrong. They are going to France first so we wont get to find out how he gets on with the other kid before he goes.

Are we mad to let him do this? Anyone got any wisdom, experiences, suggestions, advice....?

How is the exchange organised? Is it that your DS will be based with a family the whole time? Or will he more or less just sleep there and be with his classmates (and possibly teachers) during the day.Does the matching include asking for a family with experience of ASD?

Will they be mainly attending a Lycee? Or is it different trips/activities without much planning in advance.

I think I would need to know a lot more details before making the decision.

I think you would need an awful lot of info to feel confident that this would be a good idea. How does your ds cope with spending time with others who he isn't keen on or don't share his interests? If he is able to cope then this could be ok if school are able to offer him additional support whilst there. However, it could also potentially be very difficult as I am sure you are aware. I agree that it also depends on how much time he would be spending with the family. If it includes a whole weekend with the family this could be a problem. I think I would ask for more details about the schedule before making a decision.

To be honest, I would seriously just say FUCK NO.

The language barrier, the change in surroundings, the uncertainty of family rules, the family might not believe in aspergers, or understand it, nightmare night mare nightmare. If the family don't understand abut his needs, and he has a violent outburst, he could end up, temporarily at least,in a French jail!

My dd1 is already getting excited about French exchange and she's nearly 9. She has ADHD and I don't think as things stand there's anyway I could let her!

Thank you so much for your ideas creamteasand cansu. I do want to talk to the school but didn?t know what questions to ask, your suggestions are helping me to get that clear.

colditz point taken! I?m going to show this thread to DH who is more positive gung-ho about it than I am.

I?m aware that DS hasn?t even done a sleepover in a couple of years - not that he?s had trouble during sleepovers, he?s just not done many. Ooer.

My Ds is only 11, so I haven 't had this yet. My gut instinct is to say NO WAY.
Again it it the same concerns as others, that it is a family who probably will have no experience of AS, the language barrier (unless your ds is fantastic at French - my DS has a mental block), the food issues, the lack of organisation DS has.....

Just had a letter from the school giving dates and a bit more information. Seems the French kids are coming over first after all. The structure is a full week, with all the visiting kids taken out together during the weekdays (while the home kids are at school) and spending the evenings and a weekend with the French family.

I feel as if I?m trying to live in two realities at the same time. The one where DS is doing so well, he is managing his disability, can do whatever he wants to do and we shouldn?t hold him back from trying new things? And that other reality where DS is still very reliant on routine and familiarity and our support, where things can suddenly go horribly wrong with no warning and they have done in the past. My DH thinks I?m being paranoid and I know sometimes I am over-anxious and sometimes DS copes fine with things that I?m worried about.

We?ve never had to face telling DS there?s something he can?t do as a result of his disability. Usually he hasn?t wanted to do things that are outside his range, or we?ve managed to get enough support in place ? or there?s been some other obvious reason for not doing it like clashing with other plans.

Sorry to ramble on. It makes a difference that there are other people here who understand how tough it is!

Well, another way to think about it is that this is part of his education, just like any 'normal' trip would be, and in that sense the onus is on the school to find the best way to support it. (Spent last month listening to a friend who works in the field ranting about a primary school failing to realise they'd have to support a child on their residential trip with the 1:1 she gets in school, they just assumed she wouldn't go )

So, first thing I would do is speak to school. If DS goes, what are their thoughts on how he can be supported?

(I would be totally shitting a brick too btw! but let's see if we can work something out and then you can do the same for me when the time comes )

I am sure that the school would do their best to support your ds should you decide to go ahead but as you obviously know there will be a risk that something could go wrong when he isn't under the teachers supervision. Obviously the parents could be given information about your ds condition and the teachers could arrange to check on him more regularly. The French teachers could try to make sure that the family is carefully chosen. However even with all these precautions your ds could find it hard to cope. I would first have a frank discussion with your sons school to ask what they could do to make this trip run more smoothly for your ds. Then armed with that info I would have a discussion with your ds going through what will happen on the trip and make sure he understands that he will spend the evenings and the weekend with his pen friend and his family. I would explain he will have to try different foods etc and be very upfront about your concerns. Then if he is still keen and you think the risks are low then go for it. It is quite a leap of faith and I think it needs to be something you are preparedFTP accept might go pear shaped. I would also consider how you will feel if after the French v isit your ds announces that he has changed his mind. Are you prepared to lose the money you will have paid?

Should also perhaps add that my dh is French and we do find that France generally is less geared up on inclusion and on asd in general. Pastoral suppor t in French schools is quite limited compared with Enlish schools. I am not trying to put you off. I just think this is something to be aware of. I really hope he can go as it sounds like a great opportunity and I know I would want my ds to go if possible. It is a tough call.

I have DC with ASD at similar ages, and would also be very nervous about this. Is your DS in a position to assess how difficult it might be? Has he developed coping strategies that he can put into action himself?

But also think about the stay in your house. Would your DS be ok when the French child is based in your house. Having a stranger stay in our house would be difficult for my DD to cope with.

Where in France are they based? When mine have gone to Paris with school, I knew I could get there reasonably quickly on Eurostar if anything went pear-shaped. If they had been in the South, I think I would have felt worse

Another thing to think about is that in this situation the social expectations will actually be very low, because of the language barrier. A friend of my DM used to host French exchange students and I was regularly wheeled out to parlez. I remember is awkward silences, lack of eye contact, very formal language, no small talk - we often say that we feel DCs are operating in a different language IYSWIM - might that not work to his advantage?

Update - I dithered uselessly about this for a long time and am now feeling very relieved it?s been taken out of my hands! The school have cancelled the exchange altogether.

DS will be going on an activity week abroad with the school. He?s been on successful activity weeks in this country, so he isn?t feeling too let down, and I?m a lot more confident about this kind of school trip.

Phew!