My friend's DD is being really mean to my sn DD - delicate situation!

[curlypoo]

I know I know. But really, my friend's very bright little girl is being really unkind to my little girl who has some asd special needs. The other little girl is very lovely and engaging with adults, she is 8 and much more interested in my old DD who is 11 (understandably) but she has really ramped up the insidious nastiness towards my younger DD (9) and it is really worrying me. It is really starting to effect my DDs self confidence as she knows it is happening but does not have the skills to deal with it.

The problem is my friend, her Mother is very indulgent of her children, which is cool as nothing to do with me ordinarily but this means I need to tread very carefully. The sort of stuff that is happening s done cleverly but I have seen/overheard it a few times now: telling my DD it is a special game where she has to play on her own downstairs whilst the other child plays in her room with her sister (my older DD) and toys (i have pulled her sister on this too as she is party to it sometimes.

The other little girl also is a huge thrower of hoolies. For instance, the other week she has very verb aly nasty to my DD who was dumbstruck and crying unable to answer back and the little girl, when she got caught just became utterly hysterical to the point where she was wailing and thrashing about with everyone crowded round her trying to calm her down. My DD just stood there crying and watching thinking it was all her fault . Another time the little girl told my DD she had special needs! and another time she shut her hand in the door trying to shut her out of her own bedroom! Again massive hooly and drama and her Mum saying 'oh she feels so bad about it that is why she is so upset' and me thinking actually she has managed to find a way of just absolving herself of any punishment for anything ever by becoming so upset.

Her Mum has dropped my DD at school for a few weeks, her DD hates sharing her Mum which again is understandable but her Mum insists on doing it. I walked the other day and she really took it badly. Just feel like I cannot win and going to lose someone I like as although we ave very different styles of parenting we do get on but I just cannot allow this to go on but I really feel that my friend will not deal with it. The last time she weighed in, she explained to her DD that my DD had special needs and that was thrown in her face less than 48 hours later.........

Sorry this is so long but wanted to be clear and wanted to ask any advice about how to deal with this. The thing with my DD is she is very quiet and sweet and never gets into trouble at school or anything but I know people mock her there. To a degree this is unavoidable as she is 'different' but I cannot allow that mockery to be played out in our own home and not protect her from it.

I feel like they imagine it could not be their child if there is a child with special needs in the mix

I could not agree more. In fact the whole of your last post was brilliantly put

I think the reason I feel like it is a SN issue is that I just cannot believe that anyone can allow a child who essentially cannot defend herself to be pulled down like this. A friend of mine at our old school had a little girl with ASD and a few behavioural probs but a lovely lovely child and over three years no one, not one Mummy invited her DD and her over to tea and play because she used to get upset one her way into school with separation anxiety/over stimulation. I do really make an effort to include children in whatever way I can because you know these children are not making a choice about how they are in the world. They just and see and feel things differently but not necessarily less. I don't mean that in a patronising way but surely if people are more vulnerable you make more effort to be inclusive.

And yes, part of this is a queen bee thing as the girl concerned does call all the shots at home. I am a much more autocratic kind of Mummy!

Maybe sometimes when a person has these sorts of marginal difficulties in relating to the world is a carte blanche for others to take advantage, this makes me very sad for my DD for the longterm. I would never allow my children to do that, I want them to be kind people and very sad that my friend does not seem to share these values.