AIBU re school - a right old winge.

[bochead]

I have no partner to bounce this off so need your help to establish whether I'm overreacting or justifiably hard done by.

If I take DS out to home ed is it just a counterproductive flounce that's ultimately very detrimental to DS's social development as he's really well-settled with his friends etc?

Background

School say ASD Ds has got off to a great start this year. Imho it's been one niggle after another with my going in daily to sort out silly issues and DS's anxiety levels gradually rising till I could see he was at great risk of having a mega-meltdown at school. (I posted on a previous thread re my issues about getting hold of TA & the contact book I provided at the start of the year being ignored by staff). DS came out of school yesterday upset (again!).

Spoke to CT after school yesterday in the playground and raised my concerns. She was very dismissive of my concerns & patronising, (bit rude tbh). I walked away rather than lose my temper tbh. She left my mother & I with the impression that not only does she not understand DS's SN's but that frankly she doesn't care.

Senco phoned me last night - we talked and went through my concerns. I left it thinking finally things would be sorted BEFORE DS has a massive blow up in school. (My major worry as he's not sleeping etc). Big sigh of relief.

HT teacher phoned me at lunch - upshot of that convo is that I'm now not supposed to talk to CT but have to go through him.

It doesn't help that DS is reported as being "unsettled today" and has sworn at his CT. This is seen as being my fault. (back in the bad muvver zone I feel).

I honestly feel I'm being treated as if I'd sworn at the CT yesterday or been really rude to her or summat.

Ds is one of those kids who needs to see consistency between home/school. Considering I already have no contact with DS's 1:1, & am now not supposed to talk to his CT how on earth is this year gonna work successfully on a purely practical level?

I don't really see how you can deal with school if you can't talk to his teacher. If relationship has broken down to this degree I would be considering moving him. Whether or not you should home educate is another matter. Is there any chance he could be in a different class? is the any way you could ask to meet with CT and head to resolve problems? I think whether or not it is worth trying to improve relationship with CT so you can communicate about your ds depends very much on whether or not you want to keep your ds at this school. Senco at dd school offered me a weekly meeting when dd first started there so we could discuss any issues that had cropped up over the week. I didn't really need it so didn't take her up on it, but think this probably works better than having conversation in playground.

That's not going to work at all - how ridiculous.
Did HT give his reasons for this action?
I think I would write it all up (very formally) stating the facts and the convo with Head and then give your reasons why this action will be detrimental to ds and send to HT.

I would definitely find out why you are not allowed to talk to the CT. Did she request that you didn't speak to her, or does it go further than that? Has the SENco/HT said that they will deal with you and taken it out of her hands?. Does this mean that every little logistic detail has to go this way, or are you still allowed to talk about collecting for appointments, homework etc etc with CT - just not SEN stuff (which by the sounds of it they don't 'get' anyway?)

Every logistical detail. Like I said I'm once again being painted as the "Jerermy Kyle Mum from Hell" for daring to point out my son is getting anxious.

Today's "Ishoo" sums up the sillyness of the whole situation.

Total stranger over 6 foot tall and built like a brick s**t house walks up to DS in playground and announces he wants to play with DS. DS runs away crying & screaming to senior teachers office and refuses to leave for the rest of his lunch hour. Poor kid was scared out of his wits both at the time of the incident and when I collected him that his lunch time reaction meant he was now in big trouble.

How hard would it have been to tell me he'd have a new lunch hour TA & then for someone to introduce him to DS?

Yesterday it was that they'd switched his instrument lesson day without warning, so he came out of school crying and so on, and so on.

I spoke to HT when I collected DS tonight so he is aware of what happened at lunch today (which at least is one postive outcome from this mornings phone call). A reading book also finally appeared in his book bag for the 1st time this term.

It's like common sense hasn't bothered to come back off vacation yet ffs.

The big disadvantage of Home ed is the loss of access to peer group for an only child and SALT. Academically he'd do so much better at home, and I wouldn't have to constantly be damned whatever I do.

I'd be tempted to tell HT that no contact with CT or TA is not acceptable. The appropriate response to concerns that communication between school and home is not as good as it needs to be is not to withdraw any communication at all! I think you need to point out this is ridiculous and counter productive and you are surprised that the CT and TA have reacted in this way. Which is in effect throwing the toys out of their pram. My parents were secondary school teachers and they had to deal with parents who gave them death threats so frankly an arsey Mum is not high up the average teacher richter scale. If they don't reinstate direct communication channels immediately or after a short cooling off period then you could suggest training on dealing with parents / SN is required and perhaps even complain to the Governors. Meanwhile you could research if a HE network in your area. Often they are active groups which meet up and provide a social peer group.
If HT wont back down I would suggest that he arranges to be present whenever you need to speak to CT and TA which basically by the sound of it is every day at handover. Would think HT will get fed up with this fairly quickly.

How awful for your ds Boc - but on the upside thank the stars he is aware of stranger danger and went looking for help
I think the school is being utterly unreasonable in their approach - so what? You have to book an appointment to see the HT when you have an issue!?
I would be asking for the reason for this - and the fact that they are refusing a daily contact book means you have no choice but to go and speak to people directly. If they could do that then you could communicate that way. This would allow prep for any changes to ds routine and for you to know about it.
I'd put it in a letter insisting on the contact book, if they don't do it go to the governors and if they still refuse, then I'd be off to the LA.

I'm actually over the moon that he's proved the "stranger danger" lessons have finally been absorbed tbh cos it's been a big concern of mine for years. It's another MAJOR milestone for him.

A "new" contact book was in his bag tonight. (so where's the one with all his appointments for the term in it I dilligently filled out?). It's so tiny it's silly and the only comment is about a couple of pieces of work he did in class today. NOTHING about the fact he swore at a teacher, (so no hope of my supporting school discipline) or that he was scared out of his wits at lunchtime.

I got the message loud & clear that if his behavior does deteriorate at school, then despite my best efforts I'll be blamed anyway so I'll let arrogant CT get on with sending a noise sensitive ASD kid to quiet time out as a punishment reward for the time being.

I've checked school have now recieved DS's diagnosis report, & asked SENCO politely to check statement is being implemented, + tried to establish a positive channel of communication with the CT & TA for the start of the school year. DS is doing his homework and I've finally got sight of his reading book. My job for now is done, and my conscience is clear.

School is generally very good, so I'll let it stew for a few days and see what bubbles to the surface. CT is willfully missing the point methinks - you can lead a horse to water and all that ..........

Agnes - Your point was brilliantly put and I hope you don't mind if I nick some of your wording to use in an email when I'm feeling a little less upset? (Gonna give myself till after the weekend to respond formally as right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to tackle anything).

is there anything in his statement about communication between school and parents?

His statement does mention the need for consistency between home & school in terms of behavior management. It also mentions he can't handle unexpected changes & that his TA needs to be ASD trained.

Slept on it & I'm just not prepared to fight through the swarm of judgey pants pta types that surround the HT every afternoon. Being that pushy on a daily basis just doesn't come naturally to me, & at this point wouldn't combat the "fussy pfb Mum stereotype", & so raising my own stress levels is counter productive.

Ds has come so far he can "pass" for normal behaviorally most of the time nowadays, at least to the untrained eye. I've warned school now that Ds is not far off an eruption - "them who can't hear it, will have to feel it".

The situation is so silly it's bound to resolve itself one way or another before too long.

I'm sorry you're having all this bother Boc. I know exactly how you feel as I have been through a very similar experience.

One alternative point of approach could be to make the head responsible for every little thing that goes wrong. At least then he will know what hasn't been done and the problems you are having.

You could make it clear that dealing only with him is a very cumbersome daily arrangement but that you welcome his personal involvement if it will ensure that the types of problems which have arisen to date (because of his staff's lack of understanding) will be corrected by his input. Make it clear that you now expect him to take personal responsibility for every issue which arises!

On the home ed front. Been there and done that too. DS fitted very well back into school after we found the right school.

You can lead a horse to water (or give a school a statement) but you can't make it drink!

"DS fitted very well back into school after we found the right school".

That comment there has cheered me up no end! .

There are 3 potential outcomes here

1/ School don't smell the coffee - If worse comes to worse I'll home school for a year or two, until we move or secondary looms. If he stays at the same levels he is now on the social skills front due to no school based SALT etc but improves academically at home then it's an outcome I can live with.

2/ School don't smell the coffee - What I can't deal with is a total backslide into the emotional wreck he was just 18 months ago, in that state he can't make progress socially or academically. I can't live with this outcome.

3/ School do wake up and smell coffee - the frankly fantastic achievements of last year are used as a foundation to ensure that DS continues to make great academic and social progress. This is the desired outcome.

I'll do what both agnes and AE suggest using email as the medium to reach the HT rather than my elbows through the Ollie/kidston bags at pick up time every day . There's a school trip next week, so I reckon I'll know by half term if the remainder of the year will be devoted to option 1 or 3.