New *Hi* ... beginning of a journey. DS with control/gender/various issues : (

[sweetnumber100]

Hi there. I have been browsing your board here looking for some tips. I have 4 children (twin boys 5, dd 2 and dd 6m) and have been struggling with one of my boys forever. He is very simular to a lot of the posts I have been reading ; flies off the handle at very random events, reacts to problems in a 2 year old way (tantrums/screams at top of his voice etc), has issues with socks/buttons, wants to control everyone who plays with him, always has to dictate what happens in the house and gets upset if you ask him to eat breakfast/get dressed/put shoes on (i.e. an endless array of things that you would naturally ask a child to do in a day) and I spend my whole time negotiating with him to do things that my other children just do. The shouting/screaming is difficult but just getting out the house can be a momentus task!! Anyway I have been talking with the HV for years about this but it is only because he has had bowel problems which actually seem to be more behaviour based that we are finally getting some help with him. We are due to see paeds at the end of the month and feel terribly sick at the thought of messing it up for him and not getting my point accross. School has been ok but he is only just in year 1 and so far they dont really ask him to do things he dosnt want to do. Then to add to all of this he is quite obsessed with being a girl and strongly identifies with girls and that world.

Feeling quite teary writing this I guess I thought it would pass as a phase but this is my son and he will always be but I am also finding it increasingly hard to cope with his behaviour and him and his dad seem to argue a lot too.

Has anyone been through this kind of journey?

Hi didn't want your post to go unanswered. Your ds sounds similar to mine at that age. Very controlling, very over sensitive and tricky generally. I would suggest you make a detailed list of differences between the two twins as you see them, including how ds reacts to different environments. Other people have found mobile phone video footage of melt downs have been useful in moving towards a dx. The more detail you can give th paed the better.
Not sure about the gender issues, not to trivialise but I don't think it's uncommon for boys and girls to want to be the opposite gender. Dd who is 4 and NT often cries because she wants a willy like ds.

the gender one is a fairly new one on me however some of my dc's for a little while when little had a phase that passed very quickly i wouldnt call it a gender issue more a its more fun being a girl.

but im happy to offer a 'ear' as bowel issues and the other stuff is something im experanced at

Thanks for answering and I hadnt thought about videoing the tantrums but did think I needed to start writing everything down in ready for 28th when we have a paeds appt but honestly dont know where to start some days also with 4 kids age 5 and under it can be a bit manic.

I think the gender thing is a bit early to tell but he dosnt just like dressing up he wants to be a girl and identifies with girls specifically. I do hope it is just transitory but its all part of what makes his behaviour hard going as I wonder if it is something that is contributing to the power struggle we have with him. Just had to break off typing as he had a meltdown about his brother holding a spoon in the "wrong" way.

Im a bit confused this morning.... I have always had suspicions that something wasnt quite right but I dont think I have ever admitted it.

Divide your observations into categories. If you think he may have ASD it will help the paed see that he has problems in all three areas of the triumvirate. If not just divide your observations into areas you see. Ds had problems with routine and control, emotional outbursts and non compliance so I listed things under those headings to help myself and others see where his main difficulties were. Examples of regular occurrences and more detailed examples will all help.

Accepting there is something 'not quite right' is incredibly hard. From 2- 3 1/2 I was convinced I was just a rubbish parent. It was only really when dd was 18 months and comparatively really easy I realised that if I was doing a good job with her then it probably wasn't my fault that ds was so difficult. Keep posting here,you will find lots of parents who have been through the same experiences as you and lots of suggestions for how to help your ds.