I'm all out of answers

[sweetteamum]

DD has only been at secondary school for 2 weeks and so far it's not going well for her. The change in schoolwork and expectations is alot different to Junior school and she's in constantly in a state of anxiousness.

She's not keeping track of homework, can't organise herself and is generally crying. School have told me she's doing great and there's no problems at all.

She's even telling teachers she understands what she has to do, as they shout out in class and she doesn't want to stand out so just nods.

She's already had a day off and been late twice.

I feel bad taking her in everyday and leaving her knowing how desperately hard she's finding it. She's texting me every break and lunch too.

What do I do, that isn't already suggested here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1561396-Second-week-at-secondary-school-and-all-is-not-good

I'm all out of ideas. Do I keep her off? Am I being too soft on her? Are the school just making excuses?

The school has recently become an academy and i'm wondering if this will have anything to do with lack of 1-2-1 support being offered.

Home life is shit, to be perfectly honest, so please feel free to sling some mud at me

Firstly, keep a record of all the texts.

Does she have a statement?

Oh, i've got all of them, Starlight (getting quite a collection now)

We've applied and there is meeting on 27 Sptember to discuss, but even the Parent Partnership has said they don't think we'll get a statement.

I'm exhausted, we're constantly arguing at home and as she wants school to think she's ok, she tells them she's fine. On top of this it's all her ways and difficulties.

I know people have alot more to deal with then me but I just don't know what to do :(

You need to have a meeting with the SENCO asap if this has'nt already been set up and tell them what your daughter needs if she won't tell them.

Looking back at my DS's first year it takes school a few weeks to be able to see who needs what extra support especially as they typically do CAT tests the first couple of weeks, I know the SENCO sat down with my DS to discuss what support he felt he needed in class and then they wrote his IEP together, one of the things was not understanding homework when it was explained and then he would'nt tell them that he did'nt understand then come home in a state or not tell me until the night before it was due in adding to the anxiety. His goal then was to tell the teacher and get them to write it in his homework diary if needs be or go find them if he still had problems. Teachers should then be made aware of the kids with IEP's, not saying that all do as that became apparent during the school term for DS on occassions!

I still say that your DD could do with a particular adult at school she can go to for support. THe SENCO should be able to sort this for you!

We've applied and there is meeting on 27 Sptember to discuss, but even the Parent Partnership has said they don't think we'll get a statement.

This meeting on 27th Sept, is that the Panel meeting. I ask only as it sounds like it given that you have applied for the statement.

Well done for applying for this btw.

PP can spout such nonsense, this is why I suggest always seeking independent advice (from the likes of IPSEA, ACE, SOSSEN etc) because many PPs work too closely in cahoots with the LEA and tow their party line. They are often not impartial enough.

They must think that as they can't 'see' an illness and because she just says she's 'fine' that theres no need to put things in place.

I spoke/saw them each day last week and told them how it was building inside her. She's like a different child since going back to school after the holidays, and I don't mean in good way. Home life is awful for all of us :(

Sorry Attila, I keep calling it a panel meeting as thats what the lea contact has been calling it. This is purely so they can decide to assess or not - Does that sound right to you?

"Sorry Attila, I keep calling it a panel meeting as thats what the lea contact has been calling it. This is purely so they can decide to assess or not - Does that sound right to you?"

Please, no need to say sorry!. It does sound like a panel meeting (went through three of these in the end).

I sincerely hope it goes in your favour. If it does not use IPSEA's refusal to assess pack via their website.

From a school perspective this is really hard because you see an ok child whom everyone is saying is fine so obviously she has got some very good coping mecanisms. I think you need to talk to the senco and head of year as soon as poss and indicate that although she seems like a calm swan, she is frantically paddling and feels like she is sinking. Remember she is letting go at home because she can and she gets lots of support and sympathy from you. She needs to have a named person at school such as a mentor that she can go to and talk about what h/w she has and how she is feeling.

Tell the school you think she is at risk of school refusing already and you want to support her learning but she is so stressed when she gets home that its beyond normal levels of support. Also, you've mentioned the home sit. This has to be affecting her too.

The key thing is that you talk to your daughter and find out, if you can, what is the main cause of anxiety. Sometimes its small things or nothing to do with lessons but lunch queues and changing for PE. If the school do nothing then their year 7 pastoral care is crap and you should think about moving her.

Thanks for the replies.

When I say home life is awful, I mean because of her anxiety/fear/worries, tempers, tantrums, refusal to talk about school (nevermind doing homework) etc. I just thought I should point that out.

I did call this morning to speak with someone from pastoral support and still not heard anything.

I have asked her as many q's about school as I can think of and so far I have found out

The size (presumably she's overwhelmed)

She doesn't feel there's anyone she can confide in

If she's put on the spot (ie does she know what she has to do), she desperately doesn't want the class knowing she's struggling, so she will nod

She's struggling with all the extra lessons

Homework is too hard or doesn't know what she needs to do

She can't organise thoughts in her head and she's very unorganised.

She can't break the bigger picture into smaller, manageable sections

She did write a few of her main worries down last week and we gave them to SENco. These were; weather (she has a huge fear of the rain and sound it makes), homework & getting detention

There's been lots of recommendations made in all the reports but as yet there's no sign of anything being implemented

I can't think of anything else now but she's not even getting into a conversation about school now

I'm also beginning to wonder if she's getting a separation anxiety regarding me now too . . Could that be possible?

OP you have all my sympathy, I could have written the same OP a year ago.

DBD12 currently being assessed for ASD (AS) by CAMHS since a long list of problems appeared when she started secondary last year.

I find the best way to get through to the school is to organise a meeting with HoY and SENCO. Write the list like you did in the post at 16:59 and present them with your concerns. They need to put her on the SN Register, Dx or not, it's their duty.

We always encourage our daughter to go to school because we think she needs to learn how to deal/live with others rather than having just us.

What helped with us was :

-Make a timetable, print it and put in in the kitchen and her bedroom. She can review when she's not sure what to do next.

-Give her a space to organise her school subjects, separated by colours or magazine boxes, that was she only goes to one place to check homework get what she needs for lessons.

• homework will be tough. Mine says the same: I don't understand and I don't know what to do, Repeat Ad Nauseum. We remove privileges when she doesn't at least make the effort of going through her planner and get started on at least one subject a night.

• an emergency bottle of wine for evenings when the theme seems to be Tantrums A Gogo.

• try and do a weekly email with SENCO & HoY to report her behaviour at home, that way they WILL know how she reacts to being anxious with school.

How far are you with the assessment ?

PM me if you want to chat.

i would also advise a meeting with the SENCO, form tutor, you & your dd.
If you voice all her concerns for her but infront of her & she can see that the senco & teacher aren't giving a negative reaction perhaps it will easier for her to confide in them in the future.
Also & most importantly all decide some strategies that she agrees to to help with her organisation & asking for help.
Once she feels more in control her anxiety may reduce.

Keep pushing for that statement, you know you are right dont make them doubt yourself.