Second week at secondary school and all is not good :(

[sweetteamum]

DD started secondary school last week. She has been acting differently since. She's more anxious, constantly texting me, struggling to do her homework and at home she's crying over the slightest thing :(

I have had to keep her off school today as dd was heartbroken this morning and in too much of a state to send her in.

I called school who said she's doing really well, no one has any concerns. She's laughing with others and keeps telling people she's ok - when she's not, which is annoying!!

So, even after the meetings last term, me giving them copies of reports which state she's got emotional social communication difficulties as well as a letter from camhs for mental health they would rather believe what an 11 yo crowd pleaser says that her parents.

I don't know what to do. School have 'encouraged' me to send her in. :(

Don't know much about 11yr olds but maybe it's time you called her bluff on the crowd pleasing a bit? Like, if she tells people she's fine & happy, then she cannot stay at home. If she cannot cope she has to have (ie help her find) a strategy to tell (the right) people how she really feels?

So not abandoning her to the mess but getting her to understand that telling teachers one thing & you another is not going to result in an easy situation, for her or you trying to help her?

Thank you and that's a really good point. She's awaiting asd diagnosis so that also forms part of her need to be liked. Her understanding is more than 2 deviations of where it should be, so it's in the 2% bracket - I wish she could understand more but if I keep trying the same thing over and hope it sticks.

I'm just exhausted with her needs and she was so much more independent at 5 than she is now.

My dd 13 was diagnosed ASD this year. She appears very sociable but it has no depth. She displays what a SALT told us they refer to as "cocktail party syndrome"! She's learned what needs to be said and how to make small talk but she's not really interested in others. It was only after she went into an autistic shutdown (before diagnosis) and school had to pull her out of mainstream classes to get her back into school after threatening to kill herself if she had to go to school anymore that they began to see this. The school have a student support unit with staff trained in ASD/ have children with ASD and whilst being supported in this unit they spotted exactly what was going on and were very supportive in getting a diagnosis. My dd also tells people if they ask her how she is that's she's fine. When I asked her why she says she's ok when she's not she said it was because when people ask you if you're ok they want you tell them that you're fine. They don't want to hear all your problems! My dd is very eloquent with amazing grammar but she finds it so difficult to communicate her difficulties and she often can't link things with what's making her feel anxious eg she knows since school started her sleep has deteriorated and she's in an awful mood but according to her it's not school! She also believes that she has to tell people want they want to hear not what is really going on. We finalised a statement over the summer and she's due to transition to special school in the next few weeks. She is academically capable but cannot cope with the environment of secondary school. In her statement it says that staff are to pay attention to her behaviour (at home & school) rather than what she says as this indicates what's really happening.

Thanks for your reply. I feel you have just described my dd to a t. I just wish other people would believe me and I'm taking her to the doctors later to see what they suggest. I realise school have a duty to see what's going on but they just seemed to dismiss everything I said and thinks it would be easy to drag her in.

I think my dd would be better suited to a special school or one who are more experienced in asd as this school doesn't seem to want to put anything in place without the diagnosis - even though the need is there.

Seems they take more notice when she isn't in rather than when she's there.

My Dd3 is younger than yours but at her primary they have been working on getting her to talk to a named adult. She also struggles to ask for help and always says she is fine.

The named adult needs to be someone she can spend time with and build up a trusting relationship in the hope that when she needs help she can go to the person and either ask for help or the adult will know her well enough to know that all is not good.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? I would ring again and ask to speak to him/her and tell them what you told us.

Personally I would not be dragging her in, her needs need to be met and it is up to the school to put things into place to support her.

Good luck

See if you can find out who the school attendence officer is as they maybe able to support you as well, they may well get the school to pull their fingers out their ears at least. Worth a try.

Thank you for replying. It was the SEN dept who told me to take her in. They were dismissing my concerns and know full well that dd is a crowd pleaser as she loves to be liked.

I'm trying to remain positive but have just had all this with primary school so not feeling confident.

That's worth a try. I'll look on their website or give them a call.

I agree with Ineedalife. Although the SENCO and school were supportive it was only when I stopped going through world war 3 in a morning and she ended up going in late in a bad mood that they really became proactive. My dd has demand avoidance and once that reared its head in school they couldn't do enough to get a diagnosis/statement! The demand avoidance means she refuses school but the compulsion to follow the rules always takes over and she ends up going especially if I don't get drawn in to an argument with her. I just remind her of the time every 10 mins and then she suddenly gets ready and goes!

I bought my dd some emotions cards so she could show them rather than having to verbalise what was going on and also a help card. They worked for a short time as she used to lose them or forget to use them (dyspepraxic difficulties).

I would say first port of call would be the SENCO.Is she on school action/school action plus? According to my dd if you asked her she will say she can go into mainstream classes with no support and it's our fault she doesn't. The reality is she can't manage it and she would crash and burn at some point and in the meantime we would suffer at home.

Good luck hun x

It might be that they want to wait a couple of weeks first as they do with all new starters? However your daughter is not any new starter she has needs that need addressing. I know its hard - keep fighting.

GP should refer you onto a developmental paed. Have CAMHS not diagnosed ASD, she is already under their radar. However, I know from here that CAMHS can be a pretty mixed bag and their specialties do not necessarily lie within ASD.

Its all too apparant that her secondary school is failing her already because her additional needs there are simply not being met. Also staff at such places are nowhere near trained or skilled enough to actually spot girls and boys who are on the ASD spectrum so I am not surprised to read that they have no concerns.

All the children I know of at secondary (and I know of several) have statements of special needs. I would apply for such a document from the LEA asap and ignore any naysayers. You neither need a diagnosis or schools permission to apply for a statement doc. Use IPSEA's website www.ipsea.org.uk.

Re this comment:-

"So, even after the meetings last term, me giving them copies of reports which state she's got emotional social communication difficulties as well as a letter from camhs for mental health they would rather believe what an 11 yo crowd pleaser says that her parents."

Its easier for them to believe her rather than your good self because they do not want to acknowledge her additional needs.

SENCO should be far more on the ball with regards to your DD as of now as this type of scenario will keep happening throughout her Y7 and beyond. If there is also a Pastoral Support person for her year, get this person on side as well.

You don't need school's permission OR a diagnosis to apply for a statement. Do a one page summary of her needs and the support YOU feel she requires to meet those needs (bullet points are fine!) to go with the letter you'll send in case the LA officer is too bone idle to read any reports properly. I('m now convinced my one page summary was the reason my son got a statement at the first attempt, whereas a few other Mums had to go through this 2 or 3 times.)The IPSEA website has model letters.

Send the statement application today with no prevarication. She needs extra help to "access the curriculum" and she isn't getting it, end of. You've approached the school with your concerns and they've done jack. If nothing else the statement application will mean your concerns HAVE to be taken seriously as school will be required to provide hard evidence as to how they are trying to help her as part of the assessment process. You'll have also shown you aren't a parent that can be fobbed off .

Thank you all. I did send application for stat. assessment last week. I have been told the next meeting will be held on 27 September and they will decide then.

I have also found the names of appropriate people at school, who you lovely people have suggested. So I will email them all (I would like to keep a paper trail of calls, letters etc).

Thank you all so much. I'm going to see what the Doctor suggests later also as she can't go on feeling like this and not telling people.

If the request for the statement doc is turned down you must appeal their crass decision as a matter of course. Use IPSEA's refusal to assess pack via their website in the event this happens.

Thank you Attila. I have already had a few after thoughts that I could of put differently. 1 of them being DD is more than 2 standard deviations from the mean in her understanding of language - which is something like 2% minority. Instead I put the age related of 6y 5m . . Just a silly thing but what if i've messed up by doing that??

I'm going mad thinking about it.

sweettea,

doubt very much that it will make any difference to the panel's decision.

I would be prepared for them to refuse the statement request and if this does happen then use the refusal to assess pack on IPSEA's website.

I would also obtain a copy of the SEN Code of Practice (this is available online)

Keep posting here as well.

I know your right and I just feel aaarrggghh with it. I think it's because it's something I can't control and make better. Makes me feel like a terrible mum.

I've had dd at the doctors, who was more than happy for me to discuss her and who never said a word to the doctor or even look at her. Doc has suggested we arrange to ease her in school, slowly. Maybe half days or so on. I hadn't even thought of that and she said if school needed confirmation they are happy to back us up.

Any advice re: who and how to approach the school?!

My DC with ASD took the whole of year 7 to settle into secondary school, but it did happen.

I would ask for an immediate meeting with all the staff who have responsibility for pastoral care for your DD (form tutor/year head/SENCO) to discuss the issues. I found having a meeting with all of them was helpful to know who was the one that was most 'on side' and then I used them as my main contact.

I would try to keep your DD physically in school, even if she is not following the timetable. At my school, they allowed one of mine to stay with the year head (eg going into other lessons) for a while and then gradually added in more lessons till back on the timetable.

Thank you creamteas looks like theres so much settling in to do yet.

I had to take DD in this morning, as she would not of gone in. This particular SEN told me that she is only in close contact with DD this week and next as she will be undertaking the nurture groups - one of whom will be dd for 1 hour per week. I'm a little concerned with 1 hr support a week as there have been recommendations given to the school, who haven't acknowledged them yet.

I definitely need that meeting soon as I need to see what much needed emotional support dd will be getting as well as education.

School don't want to segregate her, especially from friends, they are wanting her to stay in class as much as possible. I just don't know what I can ask for especially as they have said dd is completely fine - They even told her NOT to text me in the day .. I'm the source of comfort that helps her and they wanted to take that away!!