I'm constantly worried about her

[sweetteamum]

As the title suggests really. DD has just started secondary. She has Dyslexia, S&L delay and ASD (not dx'd)

She is already feeling overwhelmed with the very simple homework she's had (and I really mean simple). If I see that she's getting stressed when I ask her, I don't force her into telling me. She hasn't done it all yet, even with encouragement of help she locks herself in her room.

So far, she is texting me all lunch times and most break times too.

I have asked if she has any helper but she said no. I do know that someone from the SEN dept. has asked her if she's ok but she keeps saying she's fine and doesn't want to tell anyone that she's not.

What can/should I be doing, without looking like an obssessed mum.

Does she have/need a statement?

In the first instance You should email the SENCO or her form tutor and tell them what you've told us.

I have just applied for statutory assessment as yes, she does need a statement starlight

I am awaiting a reply back from SENco indigo but just feel like I'm going over the top too soon. Guess that's why I came here asking if I am or not.

I think it's better to start with 'good communication' then to wait for things to go drastically wrong before you raise your concerns.

Thanks for the reassurance indigo and it's definitely my way of thinking.

Was information about your DD not passed on from her primary? None of this should be a surprise to them and things should already be in place to help her.

I had a meeting with them last term and went into detail, gave reports etc. I wasn't sure the school would go into detail as they've not helped the situation.

The school are confident on how to handle her and I'm going to trust them. I do obviously want to let them know of these issues.

I'm just 'bumping' with an update:

I spoke to SEN staff today, who has met with DD a number of times and checks on the more vulnerable children.

I explained our worries and a few other situations that happened yesterday, like DD not wanting to go to school, saying she was ill, crying about homework etc etc.

Basically, she said we shouldn't worry as DD does lots of laughing at school and told them she is 'fine'. They were aware that DD is a crowd pleaser and doesn't like getting into trouble, loves rules etc.

She also 'assured' me that DD is fully enjoying lunchtimes and didn't really know how she'd spend all time texting me?? (well, I have kept them all as proof if they really need to look). I asked how is she with interacting and chatting with peers but she said she hadn't got that close.

I don't mean to be rude and took it very well, but how can she tell me how great dd is doing when she's not getting close enough to judge.

They are doing CAT tests this week so DD will be a wreck :(

Hi

I was in your situation this time last year (my ds is high functioning aspergers) and I fully sympathise with you, in fact I have been a bit of a nervous wreck him going back after the holidays as well and how he is adapting to the change in routine etc.

He would call me randon times during the day just to hear my voice as a comfort and coping mechanism, as time went on he called less and less especially after he learnt to rely on his pastoral mentor (he would go and join her at lunchtimes for a chat lol) luckily she soon got to know his little ways and was fab with him and would sometimes call me with updates if there had been little incidents. Could you liase with school so they can offer your DD a set person so she can go to them in times of need and doesnt feel awkward in asking for help, my DS went mad when a TA went into a class room on the first day and announced she was there to help him in front of everyone, we then agreed with the SEN department that he would ask for help if needed and it would be discrete (he is not statemented but needs help with anything to do with fine motor skills).

All said I still notice when he has had a day that has caused him to be anxious (fingers bleeding where he has bitten them, clothes with holes again biting or chewed rubbers and pencils in his bag). It upsets me but I have had to begin to realise that I cant control all the things that make him anxious especially at big school where you know next to nothing about what is going on but I can help him to learn coping mechanism's to lesson the anxiety if that makes sense.

Please PM me if you want to know how we coped with any specifics I cant promise I know it all as we tend to take one day at a time and many things still confound me as I often feel we take one step forward then ten back!

Joencaitlinsmum x

Hi and thank you for your reply.

I'm so pleased to see your DS feels more comfortable and it's good to know that I'm just a 'normal' caring mum and there are so many of us in this position.

Unfortunately my DD biggest and most intrusive fear is the weather and any sign of rain, thunder and lighting etc is a nightmare for her. She doesn't know how to cope with her emotions and how to express herself at all. She needs the loo immediately and luckily she's got a toilet pass for this.

Obviously there's the other stresses she's under but it's not helped when she's telling everyone what she thinks they want to hear rather than how she feels.

She is heartbroken today as its raining and she just isn't in the right state to go to school. I'm going to have to take her to the doctors today and see if I can help her :(

I think the TA is actually saying - I fully enjoy my lunchtime so I am not going to go and see how your daughter is, maybe? Maybe I am a cycnic? Anyway your daughter is clearly struggling and it is the schools responsibility to support her - have you tried the SENco - be clear and firm. Maybe agree to give it another of couple of weeks to settle in but after that stick to your guns.

This was actually the SEN dept. I've spoken to. I felt that they were being very dismissive and don't really want to do anything until diagnosis - even though there is need there.

I've told them how she feels twice since she started and think they should have put things into place when she first started. After all they knew everything in advance. They only seemed to have taken notice as I've let her stay off. She's a different child so far today.

Does the head teacher say the same?

I've not spoke to the head teacher. Sorry I'm new to the high school scene. I just don't know who I should be talking to.

There will be a SENco in the high school - thats who you need to talk to, you need to find out if your daughter is on school action or school action plus and if the school are going to support her with an IEP.
I'd ring (and if you have tried the SENco) the head up and tell him you don't want to battle with the SEN dept but your child has needs that need meeting and supporting in school now.
have a google for parent partnership in your area and give them a call maybe first as well?

I wanted to say that my DS has also just started secondary and although on the surface he seems to be coping he is definitely stressed when he gets home and there seems to be quite a bit of homework already.
DS does have a statement and they had all of the paperwork in advance but seem to be taking their time to get everything in place to say the least.
The important bits - ie support at break and lunch are not happening as all pupils can access the library so this is what he does ALL the time. Its not right really as he doesn't seem comfortable yet. I have started softly with the school -covering 2 or 3 of the most important things from my POV and will work my way up.
I would suggest contacting the SENCO directly again and then if you get no-where the head.
I second parent partnership in the first instance as support - they can come to meetings at school with you. Sometimes just having someone there even if they say nothing can spur the school into action.

Thank you for your replies. I believe that DD will be placed on School Action + as there are lots of outside agencies involved with her.

I've also just contacted the Parent Partnership for the area and they are going to set up a meeting for us. I feel like i'm telling tales on the school and have the same nervousness around authority that DD has . . !!

Hi Sweet

Following on from my previous message my DS also has learnt to say what he thinks people want to hear.

Yesterday he told me that he had cried and got into a state when he realised he had forgotten his dance kit (he did the right thing & went to see his mentor to sort it luckily), he had told me earlier that he had had a good day so I was surprised at this and said I that in my book it had'nt been a good day afterall (was in tears before he left home as well) and to my surprise he still maintained that it had!! I get so upset when I hear he has been upset but he now seems so calm about it, even says he only crys when his friends are not around as he knows they would think him stupid :(

It breaks my heart to know he feels he is different and trys hard to be like what others are, seems like your daughter is the same.

Please keep the lines of communication open with the school, I dont know the specifics but do myself work in a school and know how communication can be pants, I have all DS's tutors, teachers, SEN department in my email address book as well as phone numbers and I'm not afraid to contact them if I have aproblem, I was probably their worst nightmare last year!

Joencaitlinsmum

Thank you for coming back. And yes, thats just how dd is. She has told everyone she likes high scholl, whilst smiling. Yet they don't see her 'suffering' at home like us.

The doctor suggested I speak with school and arrange for her to be introduced slowly and building up to where she is less anxious/stressed. I'm not sure how the school will like that but I just keep thinking I need to do whats best for my DD mental health now.

I can see how desperately unhappy and 'depressed' looking she is yet she has this great mask for the outside world.