how do you separate the crappy autistic horribleness from the actual child?

[SheelaNeGig]

I mean when said child is stressed out (because of sodding school going back tomortow) but is screaming vile insults at you which actually really hurt your feelings (because lets face it, its all quite true).

I know she is stressed but it is not nice. And i am struggling to separate it into boxes.

Sorry sheela...
you are where I was last week.
I lay it all the door of Autism in my head.....helps me to stay positive with the child IYKWIM. not always successful, had very stressy day at the weekend

Sometimes I do react, but as that has never yet had a positive effect, I try to reflect back what they are saying a la 'How to talk'.
e.g. ''you are the worst Mummy in the world'' me: 'oh dear, you sound very angry with me at the moment'

By trying to disassociate and look at the behaviour and the triggers as separate from the adorable child you were so proud of a few days ago after her train journey.
It's hard, I had a head start being a teacher and often dealing with horrible, vile, foul-mouthed children who were aggressive and smelly.
I used to stand back in my mind and think 'You're not even in double figures and someone or something broke you already. What am I going to do about it?
How can I change things and circumstances for you?'
She loves you and you love her, and sometimes teenagers are the most horrible to the only people they can rely on not to reject them. Sometimes with my boy it's the AS, sometimes he's just being difficult because he's a teenager.
But yes. it can make you despair on occasions. So come and rant here!

Thanks. Its bloody hard to ignore 'you stupid,fat cunt. I hate you'.

Reacting does not work. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

At least these days i can recognise it isn't her really. Only taken me 14 years.

I just look at the behaviours and deal with them rather than excuse them. ASD or not, I see my role as helping my child access as much of society as they can and the behaviour unchecked will be a barrier.

I can empathise Sheela. My son has gone between crying and being horrid the last two days.

Have you had a conversation about it? sorry that sounds silly what I mean is even though I knew what was causing my sons behavior I engineered a discussion of 'is anything troubling you?'

He said what he was worried about [new teacher/new classroom etc] so we then talked about it and I tried to reassure him. I think it helped a bit as in he knows I know hes worried and that I will try to help in any way I can. I know hes still very stressed about it and I can only imagine what the neighbours must think of all the shreiking and funny noises that his anxiety brings out!

I haven't been called a cunt yet though! but his older brother has been called a few choice names.

I agree that its hard when its all directed at you though.

I know he doesnt mean to be mean and that he hates being like it.

I have had a tricky time with Dd3 over the last few weeks. She can be lovely but is very outspoken and vents freely at all of us.

I try very hard to remain calm as me getting fired up makes her worse, today I really got cross with her though because she was being deliberately difficult.

I will stand up for her and fight her corner but I also stand my ground with her.
I had plenty of practise with Dd1 who is undx'ed and used to completely control me.

Try to be kind to yourself, she really doesnt dislike you she just doesnt have the control to hold it in