Help desperately needed please

[claw4]

Dp and his ex have 2 boys, both with autism 5 and 6 years old. They both have quite severe autism and really are a handful.

Up until quite recently his ex, had quite a good support system, she had a partner, grandparents and dp to help out (DP and I dont live together, i should add)

She has split with her partner, has a young baby to look after, grandparents have stopped looking after the boys now, as they are finding it too difficult. They really do need 1:1 support.

His ex is really struggling, she is depressed and taking medication, apparently the boys are aggresive with the baby, she is struggling to get the boys to school etc and she is on her own.

She has told dp today that she asked SS for help and they have given her leaflets on foster care!

Dp is helping as much as he can, but he also has to work.

My question is what type of respite etc should be available to her? transport to and from school? or any other help she can get?

She can get direct payments in lieu of a short break or respite.
They probably cannot go to overnight respite yet at that age its usually over age 8, but varies from area to area.
Look at contact a family website they have easy to understand leaflets.
Is it the disabled childrens team part of SS she spoke to?
She needs to very firmly request 3 assessments - a disabled child assessment of each boy and also a carers assessment for her.
I doubt very much they have foster carers - even part time respite ones - able to take 2 severely autistic boys.
She could try SS again or she could just straight away make a complaint to council and say that her request for assessment has been wrongly refused - the law is she must have an assessment - that may not lead to services being provided - but they must do the assessment.
Look at Council for Disabled Children - Steve Broach docs on law / legal handbook etc
Not sure about transport. How far is the school?

In the meantime how about Homestart?

She must have a HV with a new baby - is the HV any use?

How or who does she apply to for direct payments for respite?

Will google the other suggestions.

Im not sure whether assessments have been carried out or not. With all due respect, she is not aware of the sn world or her rights or anything like that. Silly things such as she wasnt aware that the boys even had a statement, she wont use PECS with them etc. I dont mean that as an insult, but not everyone has the time or inclination to find out. I think she has reached rock bottom and doesnt have the motivation or the energy to deal with anything.

School is about a 15/20 minute drive i think.

Will mention HV too to dp, but he will tell her to talk to HV and she just wont bother.

Maybe the suggestion of foster care, was for respite. Will have to find out more about this too.

She doesnt know which SS dept she spoke to. I have told dp to ask for the name and address, so he can google.

Home starts take direct referrals. I.e you can refer yourself. Very likely to get home start at least.

Claw, you can't take on the world. You need to prioritise your time and your fights. You can help these children when you are in a stronger position yourself otherwise you spread yourself too thinly and help no-one effectively.

Ring the council and ask under children with disabilities team or short breaks.

Do you have a branch of contact a family near you? They are great for signposting you to help website with helpline no

She will need to do it herself though so that people realise how much help she needs

Star, i said i all i would do is see if i could find out if she was entitled to anything, then just pass the info on and let dp and his ex deal with it from there.

Knowing the boys, i can really sympathise with them and her and hearing that someone is finding it almost impossible to carry on and has even thought about giving her kids away because she isnt getting any help, i would feel dreadful if i thought i hadnt tried to help, even in a small way.

Alison, thanks. Seems she is unable to do this for herself, for whatever reason.

I have passed everyones suggestions onto dp and he can find out and help her apply etc.

Sure I understand claw. I come across rl people who just don't even know where to start wrt helping themselves (nor should they need to btw but that's a given). It can be hard to limit the help, especially so when the are close to you, but one day you will get through your own nightmare and have the time to do a decent job of helping others. Do what you need to do, but if anything can wait, make it.

Sometimes Star its just so simple, like today i googled the local council website, found the disability team and a list of the help they can provide and it literally lists the help, all of which i imagine she is entitled to.

I do have an awful lot on myself at mo, as you know, but it took me 5 minutes, something which hasnt even entered her head to do. If i hadnt joined mumsnet, it probably wouldnt have entered mine either. If i didnt join mumsnet and wasnt aware of my rights etc, who knows i might be in the same position myself

If that 5 minutes helps towards getting her some much needed and deserved help or some respite, it would of have been 5 minutes worthwhile.

I suppose its in my nature, im one of lifes 'fixers' and you are too!! Ive lost count of the number of times you have found time to help me, while in the middle of an appeal yourself, moving house and having a baby!! etc, etc