Help Please - No Social Skills and No Friends

[Alfieandzoesmum]

My first post on Mumsnet! Nice to meet you all :)
My son has been diagnosed with mild dyspraxia and is really struggling socially. He is at an all boys school (which probably doesnt help) and is going into Yr1 tomorrow. He is a lovely, charming and engaging little boy at home but he cant make friends at school. He plays on his own in the playground and when I drop him off at school and the others are all playing lego or something on the mat he just sits on his own and watches them. He says they dont let him play at break time and have developed a game where they all run away from him saying "Alfie is coming". At parties he is always left out of non structured games and the boys simply just dont want to play with him. Today I went on a playdate with 2 other boys from school and they said they didnt want him to play and went off together and shut the door. THe mother was really embarrased and kept asking them to come downstairs to play with him. They just sat staring and then started whispering to each other and laughing. Eventually he just started doing his own thing and they went off together again. When another little boy joined a bit later on - exactly the same thing happened.
The problem socially is not just his dyspraxia but he seems to just not get the games they are playing. He is 5 but he plays like a 2 year old and starts saying silly words and getting really hyper and overwrought. He also invades space and waves his arms around when he is excited and talks obsessively about starwars but nothing else. I think the other boys are a little scared of him.
It breaks my heart though as he is so desperate to be liked and to join in but just doesnt know how and I think he puts them all off. He cant play ball games which also really doesnt help.
out of school he does lots of activities and I arrange lots of playdates with friends from the village - infact he has a really social agenda. He also does karate, tennis and horseriding out of school and is joining beavers. I feel so anxious about him that I just cant sleep at night worrying about him and how I can help him "be liked". I wonder if anyone has any similar experiences or any suggestions how I might help him to overcome this or if he is always going to have problems. I just want him to be happy and have 1 or 2 friends and not get excluded, I dont expect him to be the most popular boy in the school. Any thoughts would be so appreciated. Thanks

Hi and welcome. I don't want to worry you more but wonder if you have ever considered if he may have Aspergers or aspects of it, many of these conditions can overlap and it does sound as though he may not 'get' social rules, turn taking in conversation etc. The good news is that if there is a reason behind his difficulties there is a lot that can be done to help.

My son has quite severe autism and has support for social skills in school - he has little speech and needs a lot of help. His support staff set up structured activities with the other children - they will take a typical playground game and break it down for him and teach it in small bits and then put the parts back together once he understands the expectation. You can also use play scripts initially to help e.g. teach him what to say in certain situations. Also teach him how to limit talking about one topic so as not to alienate other children. We do playdates where an adult 'runs' it eg we bake or make something / do something structured rather than let the children just go off and play. Just one child and keep it short eg one hour.

My son is about to go into year one and because there is a lot of understanding among the staff and children that he is different and there are reasons behind his differences the children are not just very accepting but actually really look after him. Despite hardly speaking to the other children at all he is bizarrely very popular. There has been no bullying at all.

You can read up about aspergers on the NAS or Ambitious about Autism website and see if any of what is described fits. Even if it is not Aspergers children with other difficulties eg dyspraxia, speech problems can often show some of the social difficulties that children with aspergers do. And the same techniques to address social issues can be used.

Often these problems will not resolve on their own. You can teach social skills to children who do not pick them instinctively, but obviously that does require recognition that there is a genuine delay or difficulty which school needs to address. I would suggest you discuss your concerns with school and ask them what they can do to help him make friends and whether they will consider putting in place specific intervention to help him. Perhaps arrange a meeting with the new teacher and SENCO. You could ask for a TA to support him at break time.

I would also tell the teacher about the negative reactions from the other children and ask what the teacher is going to do to address these. In a way its not the other children's fault, they just don't understand, but the school can do work on this to help the other children be more understanding. You probably won't win over all the children, but there will be some children who will go out of their way to look out for yours.

The game to avoid him is bullying and needs to be stopped.

To be honest the reception teacher should have picked this up and its concerning the school has not done something before now as reception is all about social play and identifying children who have delays.

Hello. Just bumping this up for you.

Thanks for the message. Really helpful advice. Your school sounds great. I wish my son had that support. I dropped him off this morning with a heavy heart and he looked so nervous it was awful :(

Hi and welcome.
Just wanted to say that my DS was very similar at that age. He was diagnosed with High functioning ASD at age 7 (not saying that is what your DS has got - but might be worth investigating further). For most of primary school my DS had no real friends and mostly hung around with the supervisors at break times. He didn't know how to engage in games and displayed some unusual behaviours - the Ed Pschyc actually wrote in his report that the other children where frightened of DS which broke my heart.

DS is now 15 and at Secondary school. ALthough we never see any of his friends from school, the staff at school tell us he has a large (and varied)group of friends. He has also amazingly become/remained friends with a boy whom he was at primary school with and who went to a different secondary school. My DS doesn't really crave company, which is why we never see any of his school friends in the holidays - added to the fact he is a teenage boy and can't be bothered to arrange anything.

I know how you feel and it is heartbreaking as we all want our DC to be popular and loved. But I'm sure it will some for your DS just as it did for mine. Talk to the school and see what strategies they can put in place to make sure that your DS isn't excluded. The teahers may not be aware it is happening! But from what you have said about some of your son's behaviours, it is worth considering looking for a possible diagnosis of HF ASD/AS so that he can get the help he needs.

Thanks bigbluebus. Thats really positive and reassuring to read. Really glad your son now has friends - gives me some hope for my son. I hate the fact that my son still seems to be on his own. Yesterday the boys were giggling when he left and calling him "Alfie Walfie Balfie" etc. Not sure if he really notices - hope he doesnt. Like your son, I def. think they are all a little frightened of him as he has no idea of body space and flaps his arm wildly when he is excited. just wish there was something I could do to help him :( He is seeing an occupational therapist and she said she would work with him a little on space awareness/social role play and he is seeing an ed. pschyc soon so hopefully we will get some strategies in place to improve. Out of interest how does your son cope academically? My son seems to be coping OK - which I am surprised about as he seems to zone out so easily and be quite unaware of things going on around him. Must be going in somewhere as he seems to be able to read / write like the others....