Reaction to news your DS/DD has a disability?

[SuzysZoo]

A friend of mine has just had a baby who has a disability. I know this via someone else but I have not yet seen my friend. I just wondered what the most helpful thing I could say would be when my friend "tells" me about her baby. I don't want to say something obviously patronising. I just wondered if anyone could tell me the most supportive way to congratulate her might be. Of course, I would just congratulate her anyway, but if she then mentions the disability (she may not, of course, or it may be obvious), what should I say? To just say something like "oh, ok" sounds a bit dismissive, but equally to say something like "oh, sorry" sounds patronising. Of course she is not sorry that she has a lovely new baby! Sorry if this has not come over very well. Does anyone have any words of wisdom, or how would you respond?

I guess it depends how/if she tells you. Also depends a little on the nature of the disability.

I would opt for congratulations, obviously, then lots of listening. "How are you feeling?" "How is s/he doing?" "Do you need any meals for the freezer?" "Are you having visitors yet?" "Can I help with anything?" "Do you want to talk, or are you worn out?"

Avoid disappearing as you don't know what to say. I guess a lot of her acquaintances will do that.

Focus on the practical.

Start with congratulations then if the disability comes up say something like 'oh gosh, will you need anyone to look after your other children whilst you attend appointments? Could you do with any extra frozen meals? Etc.

You coukd also ask if they have been pointed to any sources of information as this looks interested and gives them a chance to either talk through what said information told them or just tell you so you can find out more for yourself in order to be supportive in the future.

Thank you. Some very helpful information. I believe her baby girl has Downs, in case this is relevant to any advice. I would of course avoid saying anything like "oh but they are all such happy children" etc which must be so annoying and bland, not to mention patronising.

I agree that congratulations is in order, followed by listening, and then offering to help in any way you can (much like you would for anyone that has just had a baby).

Everyones different, and relationships with diff people are different. I might really like something from one person that might feel odd from another. So nothing is really set in stone. For myself I like it when people notice the lovely things about my DD, I like it when people ask me what that [insert medical terms] means, what the implications of different things are and how I feel am doing and what they can do for me - esp practical stuff. And 'tell me what I can do'
I hate when people want me to reassure the 'but she will be ok wont she?' 'she looks so normal' ' when will you know'
And stay in touch - its overwhelmingly lonely with an SN child - people disappear because its awkward and you are tried and angry and sad and often you dont have the time/inclination to make contact cos you are scared you're boring them silly weeping down the phone to them or endlessly discussing your internet searches for different syndromes. Someone with another child might appreciate offers of childcare so they can attend the endless appointments.

Oh and just a big fat hug would be great

Thank you everyone for your very helpful suggestions. I certainly will try not to be someone who disappears, because that is the worst thing you can do, I think. I never gossip so that advice will be easy to follow. In fact if people start up a gossipy conversation I usually cut them dead a bit which doesn't always make me popular.