Can someone please explain in basic language to me?

[queencat]

Does my ASD daughter 'know' she is being badly behaved?

I have just had my diagnosis and am trying to piece the puzzle together in my head. Can I please give some examples;

1. Hits me/sister/brother and says 'I hate you, I wish you were dead' or I'm going to kill you.
2. Has an accident or leaves the toilet to late and then smears poo (tmi) on the wall or hides it under the bed
3. Has a major temper tantrum about going on holiday. I'm selfish apparently because it's not where she wants to go.

Any advice would be gratefully received am not sure hue I handle these situations. Pre-diagnosis I was always yelling.

I just feel useless.

Queen I was thinking about this yesterday (as I was struggling with DS NOT listening to me).
I found this and thought it was useful for seeing the extent of his problems.
I don't think my DS 'knows' he's misbehaving. I think his frustration and anxiety, and mostly his inability to 'read' situations leads him to behave the only way he can.

I'm sorry that you've had this news. It's tough to hear.
DS wil sometimes say he hates his siblings. He used to often have toilet related problems incl accidents, smearing and hiding. He rarely has tantrums but is VERY inflexible re plans.

I found this very helpful. Requires great patience but great results.
The poo thing has resolved itself in time ...I think poor sensory registration means he doesn't feel the need to go til its urgent.

Hope some of that helps

Thank you. Am struggling to understand how her mind works and perception of the outside world.

At the moment it seems that everything is 'all about her' does this improve or does it take some getting used to?!

I don't think I'm the right parent for her. I'm by myself with three kids and struggling with my depression, patience and the constant demands and how to give time to each of them.

By 'all about her' do you mean she has no concept of anyone else's needs or wants (which is ASD) or d'you mean you spend all your time getting your head around it (which I found after getting diagnosis)?

Of course you are the right parent for her....it's hard parenting ASD not least because it's "invisible". No one would do better than you. What supports do you have from school, therapies etc

Meaning that she does not give a shit quite frankly of how her behaviour affects anyone or that what she is doing is wrong or how she is hurting people.

I sound really negative about her but im exhausted at the moment and feel so down.

I also appear to be the main target of her hatred as she
'never' does it for her dad or at school which is why I
Having issues getting them on board. No support yet but hoping now I have diagnoses that will get ball rolling.

She has no understanding of how it affects other people, rather than not giving a toss. It will help if you can get your head around that.

I am almost hoarse at times from explaining to DS how the other person feels when he does whatever.
SaLT told me to keep at it, that the evidence is that it will come (hopefully...at times it feels impossible). They also advised me to do it when reading with him e.g. What do you imagine will happen next? What do you think the character is feeling? How would you feel if that happened to you? Etc etc

And being the main target is a bizarre compliment to you as it means that she feels safe enough to let loose with you.
ASD girls are wonderful at hiding their difficulties outside...but let rip at home.

I can appreciate feeling exhausted, and worn out. And worrying about what the future will bring. And the effects on other DC.
Do you have access to a library....I got this in my library and found it great.

I will get that thank you.

I hope it gets easier; sometimes she can be very perceptive about my feelings as in she knows im upset about the split between
me and her dad and always says to her sister 'don't taken about ow in front of mummy it makes her sad'

But then doesn't seem to care or know shouting I hate you and I'm going to kill you/myself etc. Hurts even more!

Thanks for your support is much appreciated!

Oh queen I feel exactly like that. I just don't know what to say/do without making the situation much worse. My DD is the same and I am a long way off a diagnosis yet.

theautismfactor.com/meltdowns-vs-temper-tantrums/

Try that. A good number of children on the autism spectrum have 'meltdowns', but they're not the same as a standard tantrum. That's how to tell the difference between the two things. Many of us don't have meltdowns at all - we tend to have 'shutdowns' where we just stop communicating, whilst our brain wiring is cooling down enough to work again.

Either way, if a dc is on the autism spectrum, there's no point in using phrases like, "it makes mummy sad", because that will have no meaning until they get to an age where they learn empathy (and most of us do eventually). Until then, it has to be something that relates to them, e.g. "when you say that, I will take away favourite toy/possession X for Y amount of time and you will go to your room until you are calm", and then do so. It may help to let them wrap themselves in a blanket or sheet - as it helps boost the missing chemical in our brains (oxytocin) in ways we can cope with.

Wait until there is calm. Then explain in pure logic and really short sentences (without eye contact) that the rule is they do not say A or B and they do not do C or D. And put pictures on the wall to show what you mean, e.g. picture of someone kicking or biting or hitting, with a big red X through it to mean 'no'. Pictures often work much much better than words to remind us.

Teach other children in the family to say 'no', hold up a hand to show 'stop' as a signal, and walk calmly away to get an adult. Won't always work, but it's a start. Violence and hurtful words are absolutely not appropriate and we all have to learn not to do it. It just takes us a longer time to get the message and to find other ways to divert ourselves before meltdown happens.

Amberlight, what a star you are! a fab explanation.