Today I failed the ASD mother exam.

[porridgelover]

DC are back to school. I thought that as a treat, we would have a day of 'nice' things with rest tomorrow, ready for the first full week back on Monday. Swimming pool, cinema, pizza, bed. Hah! DS 8 has HFA/Aspergers.

So we went to the pool this morning. He loves going to the pool.
I stopped to buy a paper on the way and he ranted and stropped that he didnt want to come in with me and he didnt want to stay in the car.
At the pool, I find it stressful as he cant listen. He cant process my admonitions to 'mind the person behind you', 'stop splashing that little girl', 'dont push your sister's head under the water'.
He tries to climb all over me (he's getting too big for me to support him easily).
He has no concept that it is not funny if he pulls the top of my swimsuit down.
When we get out, he has to be helped to shower, dry and dress himself. And he cant wait while I get myself and the others dressed.

I promised that after lunch we would go to the cinema. Long discussion about what to see.
10 minutes before we all left, he changed his mind and was rigid that he wants to see the film that is starting 10 minutes before the agreed one. DD agrees to the change. We rush and get there in time.
He wants candy floss. We get candy floss. He eats half of it and emerges from the film wearing the other half.
So I brought him into the Ladies to wash him up (as I had said we would go for pizza after the film). He comments that there is more soap in the ladies bathrooms than the men. I lightheartedly say 'thats cos girls like to be cleaner' and turn away to get tissue to dry his hands, face, clothes.

He squirted out soap and threw it all over me Gloops of it on my shoulder, legs and my (new, expensive, holiday purchase, 'I bloody deserve it') handbag.

I lost it.

I told him that he had hurt my feelings badly; that I was all out of patience, that I no longer wanted to go get a pizza with him. What part of him thought it would be funny to do that? etc etc. I ranted. I dont really even care about the handbag, it was the sheer lack of thought.
My patience, understanding, reasoning and allowances tank has run dry.

Does anyone else have weeks days that it is all too much; and that the 'invisibility' of ASD makes it hard to manage our expectations?

Sorry for the rant. Feel marginally better to have got it out.

we have days weeks months like that

you didn't fail, you had a busy day and he reacted.

Hello, as you know from my other thread my dd doesnt have an ASD diagnosis but yes,definately have days where its hard and I rant at my DD for things I know she can't help-it is all just so frustrating and we are only human. And in that situation I defiantel;y would have been upset about the bag too! Is it rescue able?

Sorry you ended up having a crappy day. Just wanted to say that you're not alone and my tanks run dry too.

Thank you. I feel so guilty. I am worn out after the summer hols and have had no time to recharge my batteries at all.
I feel as if as he gets older, he's either regressing or the differences in him are becoming more apparent?
I really am dealing with the social/interaction skills of a 2 year old in an 8 year old body and a 12 year old intellect. My brain is fried. He can get what a Higgs Bosun is but can/wont/is not interested in why he cant pick his nose in public.

My DS was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 7. Until then I thought I was a crazy lady! He is now 15 and it is so much easier, he knows what he likes/dislikes and so do I!
I know other people find ASD kids harder as they get older but there is hope!
DS can name all the planets, stars and constellations in the right order, but denim hurts his skin - no jeans etc. Noise is unacceptable. I give countdowns e.g. shower in an hour, 40 mins, 20 mins, 10 mins...then I hear it go on

He really wants to fit in but doesn't happen unless its on his terms. He is at mainstream school, has friends but not many.
I think I'm lucky, maybe you will be too?

oh I know your guilty feelings so well....I find myself dropping tears at times just feeling so awful when I've lost my cool, calm part and my loud mad lecturing one comes out....my DS is very forgiving of me...which sometimes makes me feel worse....him putting his hand on my shoulder and saying...'it's ok mum, I know I was out of control and you had to stop me'....I'm the one who needs to be sorry'...
Oh dear...either way..it's a horrible feeling .....
That was lots of things for 1 day though....maybe 1 big challenging activity is enough in 1 day .... it certainly is for me and DS...we didn't even manage our 1 plan to visit granny today!!

You see I am jealous that he tries to comfort you as DS doesnt even seem to see me getting upset.
And I have spent all summer planning things and then not doing them because he wasnt up to it and needed another quiet day at home.

yes it was a lot of things...but all things that he enjoys, places he is familiar with.

I can feel another rant coming on I am still upset and he's asleep.

I mean that I fail the exam as I know that I should do for him.
I know how I should react.
But in real life and real time, I would be embarrassed to be taped cos I get it wrong.

porridgelover - mine licks things (pref park railings and windows). He'll be discussing the refractive properties of light on the tube, and then break off to lick the friggin window! It's not amusing in an 8 year old, neither is the swearing or the stamp foot at every little thing some days.

Fried brain - yup I relate to that!

I handed back the "perfect Mum" baton years ago - they can keep it. Ds is stuck wiv the frazzled haired harrassed, coffee guzzling Mum he's got .

Please dont be too hard on yourself. It is tough and I fail constantly at it. I mean I didn't really know for certain DS had Aspergers for YEARS as he was just quirky and coped ok until seconday school :(, DS2 has benefited from it as I saw signs much earlier and put things in place for him and still I am constantly getting it wrong.

xx

oh now come on...why do you expect to be perfect ?....you must stop having such high expectations from yourself and then beating yourself up with guilt when it so happens you are just as the rest of us are....a parent doing the best possible job you can....

good grief...I can be swearing and ranting, pacing like a nutter up and down my kitchen sometimes...tearing my hair out and to hang with going outside for a cigarette!!!!....
When I know before I even say a word that it will fall on deaf ears...that I'll be repeating myself countless times, the bath water may have gone cold by now and I have to start again because he is...stuck in some moment or distraction and won't comply with anything, is growling and shouting every time I even try to speak anything to him....I want to have a melt down too!!!

and sometimes I do...this week I think I've been shouting at at least 3 people (not that it wasn't deserved in every case)...been crying and can't see the screen on my laptop as I'm writing emails to people for help through what has been a mad, difficult, stressful week...blubbered down the phone with my mother and then had 'words' with her because she just doesn't get it really....

But...that was then....and you must leave it there....have a scream, cry...mad few mins or hours...it can be refreshing too coming out the other end.....just apologise for being OTT with DS and that sometimes you can't help it and you are always trying your best but it's difficult sometimes....say these things anyway...even if it doesn't seem to be understood...there will be some I'm sure and you will feel better for it

Have you ever noticed the more you try, the worse it turns out?! Especially when your trying to make a day or event extra special or good!

Give yourself a break, the summer holidays are really hard for the kids & us.

Take care, its hard, bloody hard some days but tomorrows an other day...

You guys..thank you, thank you for your replies. I am not alone!

Whatthewhatthebleep, I think you are right. I am accused of being a perfectionist in lots of other things so prob in this too. I work in this area so feel I should be better at it. The truth is that at home, I am just Mummy.

He woke up this morning and said he is super-tired after yesterday.
So he is tv-ing and I am MN-ing with tea

Good morning porridge ...you sound much brighter this morning...thats great...keep your smile and go with the flow...give yourself a break....I take a time out with some camomile tea and just try to visualise it's calming, soothing properties going through me...I'm on twinings camomile and spiced apple at the mo...it's deeelicious....also on offer in Tesco at a £1 a box at the mo too...loads of flavours, etc.....
It's like a wee treat for myself....and plecebo or not...it does help me in a way (10mins to re-charge and sit quietly with myself)

Here's another thing I do to take time out...it's all about doodling...look it up on youtube...'zentangle' ....pen and paper and you can do it anywhere, anytime...I've created some little masterpieces doing this simple doodling style...it is very therapeutic to me...

My other thing is cooking for people...I cook and deliver to 3 people in my area and love to do it...this is a therapy too for me

Anything to just take some time out and take the focus off for a while...esp on a bad day

...have a better day xx