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I'm the wrong person the be my children's parent.

18 replies

neverputasockinatoaster · 31/08/2012 10:25

I just want to get this out.
I don't feel like a good parent. I'm far too volatile.
DS is 7 with ASD. The paed said before the new diagnostic criteria she'd have given an Asperger's diagnosis.
DD is 4. I don't think she's ASD bit she has a whole raft of sensory issues.
I try so hard to be calm but I'm not. When DS starts yelling he yells at such a high pitch it makes me want to tear out my own eyeballs. he yells at DD and then she yells back and then I yell. And I know it is all my fault because I do yelling. I try so hard not to yell because I know they both need to learn to be calm but I've taught them to yell and now I can't change it.
Just now they are playing beautifully together but I know that any minute now DS will go off on one because DD hasn't done something he wanted even though he hasn't explained it to her.......
I am ashamed to admit that I have smacked them both this holiday. I don't 'do' smacking - aside from the fact that I believe it to be morally wrong there is no point as DS just sees it as a green light o go around hitting people. So, I've failed there.
I've read 'How to talk' over and over again. I know what I should do. BUt as soon as they start I can feel the stress rising up my chest and I do the worst thing possible and add to the yelling.
I can't do this. I am not a good parent at all, and possible the worst possible parent my DS could have.
Paed referred me for a 1,2,3 Magic course but due to a problem with living in one county and going to school in another I can't get on one. Besides, I know the rules, I know what I should do, I just can't!
Aaarrggghhhh!

OP posts:
Lougle · 31/08/2012 10:39

Do you know what? I'm the wrong parent for my DD too. In the ideal world (from her perspective) she would be a single child, with my full attention at all times, acting at her beck and call and only doing things she likes. She wouldn't have her hair brushed ever and she would spend her whole day in water.

But, she has to grow up, and the society she lives in will not accept that they have to do exactly what she wants when she wants.

You're not a bad parent. You're a parent who is stressed. Do you get respite at all?

neverputasockinatoaster · 31/08/2012 10:56

DH is normally great but it is holiday time so I've had them for the whole 6 weeks mostly on my own. (Teacher so get the holidays).
I just need to find a way to help myself break the cycle of yellage. If I didn't yell so much then they might learn to be calmer!
School starts soon!
I normally do a lot of walking which is my head space time but we were away for 2 weeks and since coming back DH has done his back in and then I've had a gastricy bug.
Hopefully I should get back to being able to walk again.
I think the past few days have been worse as we've been stuck at home as I've been ill. Today is blitz the house day as my mum comes tomorrow - more stress as she has this expectation of how children should behave ( she had 1 - me - and I was quite happy with my nose stuck in a book or playing by myself) and I feel like a failure in her eyes as my children aren't perfect. Although she has now been reading about AS so might actually see things a bit differently.
I'm lucky really. I read about others who have such problems with schools and are coping with so much more than me. Then I get angry with myself for screwing my children up...
On a positive note - DS's school rang me the other day. For some reason they are changing the classroom he will be in next year. Not the teacher. Just the room. They wanted to let us know before the event and also offered him the chance to go in for a look before term starts. DS said he doesn't need to but he can change his mind. I think I've fallen lucky with the school really.
Arse!
Off to read up on techniques to stay calm when all you want to do is rip out your own eyeballs!

OP posts:
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 31/08/2012 10:58

Blimey, we've all yelled, or done something we wished we hadn't. Discipline does often have more to do with my mood than the seriousness of the crime. Blush You are a good parent because you know it wasn't ideal and you regret it. You aren't making excuses for yourself like most of us do.

I don't believe that 'special kids are given to special people.' We are just as varied and fallible as anyone else. School holidays are enough to try anyone's patience. Are they back to school, soon? Though that brings its own issues at least you get a break. Next holidays try to have a 'nice' day planned every week, for your sanity. Do you have an OH who could give you a regular break? Or GPs?

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 31/08/2012 10:59

Oops, crossed with you! Maybe not GPs then!

WofflingOn · 31/08/2012 11:06

'I don't believe that 'special kids are given to special people.' We are just as varied and fallible as anyone else'

I was just wondering if anyone had been giving the OP any of that sanctimonious rubbish EJ. (namechanged again, but same old Goblin)
OP, you are stressed, you haven't been getting your usual breathing space and your OH is not firing on all cylinders wither.
Sometimes I watch the chaos that is my life on occasion and think 'FFS, I have degrees and certificates in this, and I've been doing it for decades', but I still end up shrieking, or snarling between my teeth in numerous incidents.
Or I feel that my DS would be happier if he'd been raised by wolves.
We do the best we can, at any given moment, and sometimes it is a fantastic best and somethimes it's a holding on by the skin of my teeth best. Same as our children, sometimes they cope and sometimes the shit hits the fan.
God, I know that being braced for imminent disaster 24/7 is as exhausting as dealing with it when it arrives.
Be kinder to yourself, you are doing the impossible day in and day out.

StarlightMcKenzie · 31/08/2012 11:12

Oh never, - my mum has a saying (not especially positive, but worthy of a thought at least):

'Your parents screw up the first half of your life, and your children screw up the second'

What you should take from that is that what you are going through is NORMAL, - but with additional pressures wrt the disability.

What happens if you don't yell? If you don't do anything except go to another room and shut the door?

If dd comes to me yelling, then the thing that gets told of is the yelling, unless there is blood. She knows I will NOT listen or act upon the information if she yelled. If she came and told me calmly about something, I would act on it.

This doesn't work 100% of the time, but 30% and increasing.

neverputasockinatoaster · 31/08/2012 11:21

Thanks all!

I think I just feel I should do better...... I've always felt that DS's problems were my fault because of the way I was after DD was born. I suspect I had PND. He didn't deal well with the new addition and I was too sodding tired to deal with him. DD didn't sleep well and when she napped I couldn't bring myself to be all marvellous with him to make up for the lessening of attention he was getting.

I now know that not to be the case. But I still feel it is my fault.
I am trying to teach them not to yell. Whenever DS begins to yell at DD we discuss the better way to do it. But then I feel like such a hypocrit if I yell at them!
My children are 'spirited'. They exhaust me. My mum does the catsbum face. My dad accepts them but he is 400 miles away.
I think I have grown up worrying so much about what people think of me, I feel watched and judged and I get so stressy when I take them out that I work myself up into such a state.
DS and DD are lovely.
OK, so... Today's plan is for there to be no yelling. From me. I will count to 10 or walk away. I will even stick needles in my own eyeballs (joke!) but I will NOT yell!
Wish me luck.

OP posts:
appropriatelyemployed · 31/08/2012 11:40

Please do not start blaming yourself for the stress you are feeling or believe that everything is your fault.

Believe me, the 'system' finds it MUCH easier to deal with parents who do that, then those who demand help to meet needs that ANYONE would find difficult to manage.

We all are human. Just as we may be tired, irritable, impatient and lose our rag with parents, partner or even friends, so we do with children.

Even without the extra demands of disability, children are demanding, irrational, unreasonable and often have little idea that you have thoughts, feelings and needs of your own!

Add disability into the mix, particularly something like AS, and you are dealing with rigid thought patterns, unwillingness and refusal to change or accommodate anyone else's views and patterns of social behaviour that other parents often see their children leave behind as they grow.

We understand this and we can try and teach our children but it does not make it easier. Younger siblings often copy this and the dynamic between younger sibling and older ASD child can be very difficult indeed.

Did you see the interview with Sally Bercow on the Guardian website and there was one on ITV recently posted - she talked about being judged when out and about etc.

But these people are ignorant in the nicest possible meaning of the word. They don't know what you know.

Don't pick over every mistake. Know what you are dealing with is hard and you are doing the only thing that any parent an do - your very best.

pinkorkid · 31/08/2012 11:54

Appropriately has said it all much more eloquently than I could. She's absolutely right about the system. Just remember no-one on here in any way judges you for yelling or losing it with your dcs - (I know I do so regularly and feel the same way about it you do) but I also know that it would be a different story if you could magically remove the additional needs that make it all so hard in the first place.

imogengladhart · 31/08/2012 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coff33pot · 31/08/2012 12:00

Change the title.
Forget the I am not the right parent bit and put down something else like......
"what methods do you use to not lose your rag and yell because your eardrums are about to burst"

It may well end up quite a large thread as I doubt that there are many mums here that can hand on heart say that they have never yellled, stomped, or stressed about wether they are right for the job :)

Also I could do with a few more tips under my belt for those Beirut days!

So far I have a cupboard door upstairs which I silently walk up to open it stick a pillow on and slam it lol the release that u have got rid of some tension is good and no one knows in the rest of the house lol

Another is I put on my ds iPod and refuse to take it off by repeating that I don't understand shouting language TALK to me with my hand up in a sort of "talk to the hand" motion. Because I can't hear the noise I can keep my voice low because I can only hear music or my own voice.

I have also picked up ds and boldly just walked him to his room and shut the door on him and sat against the outside. Not seeing each other means ds can rant but can't charge around and I am able to focus on the wall opposite me and just keep repeating its chill time stop shouting and TALK when you are ready. Ds is also focusing on my voice only and he does drop down a few decibels :)

I also jump in with the praise on playing great together etc

So come on guys some more "Beirut day" tips please!

Vixster18 · 31/08/2012 12:15

Sorry I haven't got any great advice..... but I can tell you, you are not alone. I'm exactly the same as you and often feel guilty for yelling. I know I exacerbate situations sometimes with my lack of patience and my short fuse. We all have good and bad days and I'm sure most of the time you deal with everything really well. I'm hanging on to the fact that school starts again soon and we can start some sort of routine up again! Hang on in there!

StarlightMcKenzie · 31/08/2012 12:30

Oh yeah - in the car, if the dc's are shouting/arguing/demanding and it is directed at me, I just turn the radio up really loud until they stop. If it's a song I know, I sing along.

Not good parenting I don't expect, but so what!?

I don't think any of us fulfil our own expectations of how we should parent. I expect some of the advice about good techniques and ways of doing things given on here is more about what people know they should be doing, and are aspiring and trying to implement, rather than what they actively and consistently do on a daily basis. It's certainly true of me.

One of my best parenting strategies I feel is opening the wine at 6 o'clock a couple of time a week! Grin

alison222 · 31/08/2012 12:33

I suspect that if we are honest there are very few of us who don't loose their temper and yell. I have been trying very hard for a lot of years to shout less.
I have learnt a very calm tone of voice that seems to be very effective (perhaps it is so different it is scary/ Grin) but don't always keep my rag enough to use it.
I sometimes manage to get out something like "go to your room" or some such and then deal with the problem when I am no longer so angry.
I have found that I need to take them out every day. It helps them as they are more tired, but the fresh air and a walk helps me be much calmer on the whole too- and that last bit is the more important one.

I have also learnt that apologising for shouting and explaining that I know its not nice and I'm sorry I was just angry,and I will try not to shout when I am angry also works. It lets them know I think its wrong too. It shows them that I am also trying to master my emotions and that they need to try too. Ok so its not a miracle cure but....

ArthurPewty · 31/08/2012 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

appropriatelyemployed · 31/08/2012 12:49

I'm with alison on the apology one. I do always try and say - look, I shouldn't have shouted but when people are tired/angry/stressed etc they do act in ways that are not perfect (all that in child friendly form).

Always think it might help AS DS to see he can't control everyone's responses to him!

coff33pot · 31/08/2012 13:14

Definatey do the apologising myself also I got caught be ds swearing under my breath in the kitchen and promptly was given 20ins no computer time from ds! Which of course I had to take on the chin.

All ideas are useful to keep under your hat as I know in this household what works one day not necessarily works the next. Then there are those days where nothing works at all x

neverputasockinatoaster · 31/08/2012 13:18

Yes, I apologise when I lose the plot or shout.

Sadly, because I have smacked them, I have lost my 'Mummy doesn't hit you. Don't hit Mummy.' phrase.

I suppose I can change it a bit...

Have taken coff33's suggestion and started another thread.....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1553201-what-methods-do-you-use-to-not-lose-your-rag-and-yell-because-your-eardrums-are-about-to-burst

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