DS going to residential? (gulp)

[tallwivglasses]

I've read a couple of 'I'm a shit mum' threads and want to scream 'Of course you're not!' but actually I feel like a failed mum. DS is 13, the summer holidays have been tough and I rang the SW in tears last week.

She came round yesterday and said she thinks she could get DS into a residential school about 10 minutes drive away from home so we'd see him weekends and we could pop in in the evenings. She says she's seen kids flourish there and they help with strategies and routines at home ('outstanding' Ofsted report).

It seems a shame they can't offer that level of support so he can stay at home. We get so little advice and if anyone else suggests rewards or social stories again I think I'll scream!

Obviously it's up to us but I think if we felt DS would be better off there (eg they could maybe toilet train him after our failed attempts) it's only right he should go. It's so strange though. my identity for so long has been 'ASD DS's mum' - him not being here would leave such a huge void. On the other hand I could get some semblance of my old life back - whatever that was.

We've been preparing for this for a long time but didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Has anyone else been through this? What did you decide? How's it working for you? I'd be grateful for any opinions.

Wow. That is a big decision. Could he have a trial, of say, two terms?

I did consider this a few years ago for ds as we were really struggling with him. In the end dp was against it so instead I fought for a day place at a specialist ASD independent school. This school which is has both day and residential has been brilliant for him as they have toilet trained him and helped him to eat and do other things I can hardly imagine. I am sure that they would have done brilliantly as a residential placement too. It is a big decision but it could be the right one for him and for you. The only other thing that has massively helped ds and us is not any of the social story malarkey or visual timetables has been medication. It has calmed his anxiety and prevented him from becoming aggressive. Before he started on the medication he was biting and attacking me daily. He hardly went out and life was awful. It was at this point that residential seemed the only option. He still has his moments but it could have easily been a much different outcome without the combination I think of appropriate school and medication. Take your time and visit lots of residential provision to ensure that you are 100Percent happy with your choice. If social care are hinting that it is appropriate for your ds it may be that the school identified is perfect or you might find something else more suitable for your ds.

Tallwiv, i used to work in residential education so feel free to pm if you'd like.

SIL will also be facing this decision one day and i will do my utmost to support her. I don't know if she's thought about it herself yet as dniece is only 7.

Residential care or education is not you failing as a parent. Your ds's needs are more than one person alone can cope with, and the school can manage that. No matter how challenging the behaviour, or how long the shift, the staff get to go home and have a break. If a staff member is targetted aggressively, another one steps in. People are paid well to stay up all night - they get to go home and sleep after their shift. If ds is aggressive to you, who takes over to diffuse the situation? If ds stays awake all night, when do you get to sleep? If you take him swimming, when do you get to shower? I used to do a weekly swimming trip, go off for a nice long, hot shower and when i got back my colleague had made me hot chocolate and a cheese toastie!

There are horrific tales of schools and residential care settings. They are not my experience, nor that of my friends many of whom work in similar places. In an ideal world, every parent with a child with sn would employ 3-4 support workers to cover 24/7 support. All the training would be free, too, plus someone to cover your attendance. Residential is kind of the halfway point until we lobby society into providing that.

These are my personal experiences as an sn worker and Autism Aunty (not mum), feel free to disregard anything irrelevant all of it

PS I would be very very surprised if a residential school didn't offer day places for someone living so close - you should also get transport included on the Statement...

Tallwiv I havent had this experience but am sending you a hug as it must be such a wrenching decision x

The only experience I can compare it to is with my Uncle. When he was unable to look after himself along with working and looking after my family I had to care for him in his own house. Needless to say my family suffered as I was never here day or night. But I also didnt have the relationship I always had with him either because it was a carer role and I had to do all his personal things as well as he wouldnt trust anyone else or let anyone see he couldnt feed himself. He was grumpy, depressed, rude, tempermental, shouting mostly at himself but he also refused to go out, refused to let me help him learn new ways and adapt.

He did go into a home and I battled with it but I do say I got my relationship back and my family life back. I still saw him every day but I was able to take the children too. I still spent the weekends with him on my own and I enjoyed every minute of it and so did he. He also had friends and company his own age and they taught him coping tools that I couldnt teach him because he was too embarrased to let me.

I know its a big difference between young and old but how much you care doesnt alter and IF you decide to go ahead then yes you could be starting a new chapter in getting your life back and your DS would be starting a new chapter of learning and weekends can be all the more special x

Wow, thanks everyone. I'm wiping away a tear here! It's those middle-of-the-night, cleaning up poo and chasing after a shrieking ds times when I feel so hopeless (lone parent) and he's getting sooo big and strong now (he's beautiful btw). And I won't go into gory detail but now puberty's struck I'm out of my depth. DS is not the sort of kid you can explain the concept of 'appropriate behaviour' to!

And it's true. If it doesn't work out he could always come home. It's just all such a shock - I thought the SW would say we'll try and get a bit of emergency respite but don't hold your breath, not this! So much to think about. Thank you again, and coff33 - the hug was much appreciated x

Something parents of my key students have said is that, once their child has settled into the school, they get to be a parent again. Dc is pleased to see them at the weekend, they can concentrate on doing fun stuff together, and the parents are able to enjoy being parents not carers. A decent night's sleep can do that

my dd couldn't get a school to meet her needs, also when she was 16 local college couldn't meet her needs either, i know it's not the same situation your in but my dd got offered a placement at a residential college 200 miles away, so we had to make a big decision, we decided to take the placement, it's the best thing thats happened for my dd, for the first time in her life she's got friends, a social life, support 24/7,confidence, and i can't believe how much she's grown up. she's got/getting so much out of this placement.

DS has been at residential school for two years now and it's made a huge difference to his life, he has made amazing progress with his social and independence skills. I think if they are offering funding for it then your DS must have quite severe needs, as usually LAs won't want to pay for that kind of provision if there is a cheaper alternative available.

I agree with cansu that you should investigate all the options and not just accept what is offered, the school mentioned might be outstanding but that doesn't necessarily mean it's right for your DS. I visited a range of residential schools, some of which were outstanding (and probably were excellent for the dc attending them) but only one school I visited was appropriate for DS's complex needs. They all have their individual ethos and approach, even if they are run by the same company. The existing peer group already at the school will also make a huge difference too.

He has got severe needs kry. When people on the tv are described as having 'severe' autism then they show them saying words, playing on a computer or helping mum in the supermarket, I think if they're severe what the hell is my son?

He plays with toddler toys, the only room he is safe alone in is his bedroom and he's 2-to-1 outside in a wheelchair - partly for his own safety and partly because he sinks to his knees and refuses to walk. It takes 2 people to brush his teeth, 3 to cut his nails. The dentist is a nightmare. I dread him getting ill.

He's a fantastic swimmer

I could go on but I think he's pood, he's being awful quiet...

Sounds like ds! I know hat you mean about the severe end of the spectrum. I tHi k most of my colleagues have actually virtually no idea what I mean when I say severe. I remember one colleague asking me if ds liked his respite and what did he say when he knew he was going. I told her that I could oly tell him five minutes before leaving when I showed him his photos and that he doesn't say anything. She looked totally shocked. I think she genuinely thought he was probably just very socially awkward. I really do second the idea of looking at,it's of residential provision just to have something to compare what you are offered. I saw two schools when I was looking at specialist provision. They looked similar on paper but on visiting it was obvious which one was right for ds.

It's good to hear such positive stories. SW is going to put me in touch with a couple of parents and will show me around once schools go back. The other option is the resi attached to his present special school, but that would be only 1 or 2 nights a week. When I've asked them to look into that they've side-stepped, implying they don't think it would help him . The only other option would be to go outside the area which would mean a fight with the local authority.

This is just a start of the long journey that's the next stage in his life. I don't know if he's sensing something but he's been adorable today - bubbles in the back yard, hugs and cheeky smiles...and he's in bed now !!!

I really appreciate you taking the time to post, folks. Purple, it's good to hear from a personal, as well as professional, point of view. I do long to be a parent again, not just a knackered carer - a parent who looks forward to the weekends and spending quality time with ds. So much of my life at the moment is drudgery-filled - washing, scrubbing, moving stuff out of the way, desperately trying to engage with a boy who just wants to rub up against anything, smear shit or tap and pace endlessly. Oh ffs I'll stop now. Enough wallowing. Cheers everyone x

You're allowed to wallow. I found it tough going when i could leave after 12 hours for a quiet glass of wine and a cuddle with my cats. Fuck knows how you parents do it, tbh!!

Oh, and we had enough staff that one could engage the students while another cleaned up, even on a 1:1 ratio.

Talkwiv, i used to work at a school that sounds like it would cater for your ds, down on the south coast, run by one of the big companies. Happy to give an honest opinion by pm if relevant.

Thanks just. And I probably will pm you Purple when I get the chance (supposed to be working while ds is out).

Here's a weird one. I've been using ds as an excuse for so long, well, not an excuse but a reason for not doing things. I can't go and see friends in London/my sister in France. I can't take my career seriously and power ahead as I'd like to. My house is a mess, well, what do you expect? Of course I'm overweight - I don't have time to look after myself. I don't have many friends because they can't cope with ds, I'll never have a relationship again, blah blah...

If ds went into residential I'd have to face up to a lot of things. It's scary. All a bit overwhelming. Right. I have to push this to one side and get on with stuff.

Alternatively, you might find that once the daily grind has lifted you actually want to do these things?

Right now the thought of arranging regular care for him so you can go to a sports club/weight watchers must be utterly daunting. If you took out the organisation (and worry about what was going on while you're there!) it'd be far less of a bigvdeal :)

My ds, 16yrs now, went into Resi. when he was just 15yrs.He has severe ADHD,Aspergers, & other co-morbid conditions. If you would like to PM me, I could let you know our experience of Resi.
You are Not a shit mum, you are doing what is right for you, ds & your family. it's not relevant what others think,& you don't have to justify your decision to anyone. x

Thanks Purple and Big. I was worried I'd overshared a tad there

I'll be pm-ing soon x

Nonsense, rant it all out!