Friend's baby diagnosed Down's Syndrome

[PuffPants]

My friend has just given birth and has been told her baby has Down's. They have emailed all their friends with the news. I am so heartbroken for her and desperately want to be in touch and say something close to what my heart is feeling but without upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. They had no idea during the pregnancy and it has come as a massive shock, obviously. She wrote a beautiful email expressing their shock and sadness but also how much they love him already and how determined they are to give him the happiest life they can. They are wonderful people.

Can anyone advise me on what to say? I want to say that I am shocked and saddened too but that I know that if anyone can cope with this they can. That's what I want to say, but I'm not sure I should...

Do not say you are shocked. I would take my. Take your cue completely from her, she may not want to talk about it, it may be all she wants to talk about.

When I had my son (also diagnosed at birth with DS) we got a real mix of hearty congratulations, silence, sorrow, god gives special babies to special people (boke) etc, none of it was "wrong" people were doing their best. Only one person (my best friend) boobed in what she said to me, bit i think she was so shocked and it was over the phone.

Go and see her, buy the usual present, ask to hold the baby and treat everything as normal. There's a great Facebook group Future of Downs she could join.

Dont tell her you are shocked and saddened, thats not appropriate.

say what you feel, it doesn't matter how choreographed your speech may be in the situation it may not go to plan. Let her know you are there for them, ask if there's anything you can do.

I am another who has a son, now 11, diagnosed after birth, after finding his heart condition.

Help your friend not get caught up in all the personal experiences that will follow, whether it be here or elsewhere forum wise. You don't how the road goes until you are travelling along and that is the most important issues. Treat the baby as she would any other and as problems arise, help and guide her through.

As for future of downs and any other facebook groups I wish they were'nt advertised...............each to their own, it works for some but not for others. I personally feel the DS community has many negative concerns as well as it's positive strengths. Future of downs especially being one where I was forced to leave!

I would start with the email she has posted, take your cues from there and let her know your willing to learn alongside her x

I wasn't actually going to say shocked and saddened - I was just telling you on here that that was my reaction. She is still in hospital so I was just going to reply to the email first off. I will start by saying all the usual things I would usually say when a baby is born. Just really mindful of not wanting to either play it up or down. I already have his present ready, have had it for weeks. I will say I can't wait to cuddle him - that's true enough - and offer to help with her older child whenever I can.

Should I tell her that her and her husband are among the best parents I know and that if anyone can give this child a happy life they can - this is what I think - or is that not what they want to hear?

In some ways I think pretending this isn't a massive blow is wrong but maybe that should come later. I would probably react by asking her how you can help and empathising that this must be a massive shock but that you would love to come and see her and the baby as soon as she is ready. I don't have anything to really compare but I remember telling my friend that dd was autistic and she just put her arms around me and cried with me. I would have hated her to start telling me all the Einstein was autistic stories.

Tbh I wouldn't do a really lengthy reply to the email. I emailed some people after I'd had DS2 and got some nice replies back but they were shortish, but they were friends not close friends iykwim. If she's a v close friend I'd do a short email back and then try and see her as soon as she's ready.

A few people told us we were the "right" parents - I'm still not sure how to take that tbh!!

Like I said take your cues from her, with some people I wanted to talk about it, other times I didn't.

"Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful* son, I hope he brings sunshine and happiness to your life. Please let me know when you're ready for visitors and if there's anything i can do or bring that'll be useful."

*assuming there's a picture. Mind you, i think beautiful is a fairly standard adjective to use about a new baby even though they generally look like Winston Churchill...

Basically, let them know you're there to support them when they're ready :)