Dd 11. (Not dx'd) ASD - wandering off

[littlelegsmum]

Whilst on holiday dd give us all the fright of our lives. She'd been to the club on site and was told to come home straight after it had finished, and let us know where she would be going next. Dd had her mobile but no credit - the deal is I phone her regularly to check all is ok.

Now at home and on our estate I usually know where she is when she doesn't come back on time or if she won't answer the phone etc.

Anyway, after a call to her mobile to find its switched off. . We start worrying and know we have to move fast so start looking all over our usual places and 45 minutes later, just as we were about to report her I found her dancing, doing gymnastics etc completely oblivious to what we'd been through or how we felt. Needles to say I shouted, was upset and so relieved to find her - she, however, thought I was out of order for interrupting her fun, spoiling her holiday etc. she does not understand the implications to those actions.

Please, can someone tell me how I'm supposed to get her to understand the basics of her turning her phone off as she didn't want to be 'embarrassed' in front of her younger friends, who don't need to be checked on like I have to regularly with dd. I'm exhausted and a complete wreck when she walks out the door, yet know I need to give her some independence . . Help ?!

Well I'd say if the phone was off when you called or she didn't return a text even if only with a blank message (so you know she's ok) then she'd be grounded the following day. Freedom comes with responsibilities and if she doesn't meet her side of the deal she stays where you can see her.

The trouble is that she probably doesnt have a clue how her actions make you feel. so teaching her to be reliable is a tough one.

I agree with insanity If she doesnt follow the rules then she misses a day.

I hope for your sanity you manage to sort this out. When my Dd1 first went to work she was away from home doing a summer job at PGL,she used to drive home on her days off. When she travelled back I used to ask her to text me to say she had got back safely, I used to phone and text for days sometimes and she wouldnt reply. Once I even phoned the office to check she was OK. She was of course and having a whale of a time.

She still "forgets" to reply to my texts regularly but TBH I have had to stop myself from worrying.

I hope you can get past this so that she can enjoy a bit of freedom without sending you insane.

Thanks insanity. That's one of the things we do and it never seems to work. She genuinely doesn't 'get' it - and as this happens regular at home I'm constantly phoning or or going checking she's ok then the following day she's grounded.

I just cant get it through to her (through no fault of her own) that those people younger, who dont get checked on, are probably able to tell the time, understand and follow rules. She's not able to have a 2 way conversation easily so always says the same things "but they're younger than me" aaarrrggghhh I need a brick wall with her!!

Thank you, I need. That's exactly the problem - she has no idea how her actions lead to the punishment. Don't get me wrong, I try to give her freedom but when she proves she doesn't understand dangers we just don't know where to turn.

Could you set an alarm on her phone little and when it bleeps she has to come back.

When Dd3 says other people do it. I say that I am not their mum and these are my rules. It makes me the baddie but I'm not bothered.

I think you are very brave, trying to encourage her independence, I find it difficult with Dd3 because she will talk to random adults.

Ì let her have lots of freedom on campsites but I generally have a walk around to see where she is if she is gone for too long.

Good luck

The thing is if she doesn't understand dangers then she shouldn't be unsupervised so regardless of what she wants, what her friends and peers do then you have to keep her close until she has a better grasp on the dangers she might face.You will most likely need to train her in what you might think would be common sense and ensure she's grasped it before allowing her the freedom her peers enjoy.
Unless she knows what she should do when alone then she shouldn't be alone really. If she doesn't know the importance of you knowing where she is, who she is with and to keep her phone on at all times then really she hasn't got the maturity needed to go out alone.

I use that reply all the time must of picked it up from my mum!

That's definitely worth a try, thanks. Why have I never thought about that! It really is hard letting her out to 'play' (as she calls is) tbh, but she's only aloud round the block and to the park, which is a big open field close to where we live. I let her go to the shop occasionally but only when she's with her brother. She's got no idea about monetary value and recently lost her 2nd hand phone, which she was distraught about - not because it's expensive but she's not allowed out without one! Once it's out of sight, it's out of her mind and she doesn't think about it again!

I know you're right insanity, I really do. It just upsets me so much that I feel I should allow her some independence, as long as I can reach her - when I put credit on her phone she's always phoning me telling me what she's up to and telling tales. We never have these problems in the winter months and I can't wait for the clocks to change. The one thing I've stopped is letting her go out and play after tea, for this reason.

You see you could train her, so allow her out put reminders on her phone that she is to report back to you after 30 minutes if she does allow her to go out again put a reminder on her phone to text you in 30 minutes, if she does you phone her in thirty minutes. If at any point she doesn't meet the rules she has to stay in for the rest of the day.
Stick to the rules religiously, all protests met with you didn't follow the rules (have them written up and on the wall at the door and point them out before she leaves) Tough love normally helps the message get across even if they don't grasp the reason for it .

Thank you, again :) I will definitely give this a try. She is a highly visual child and hopefully she will respond in a positive way . . I'm going to set this up tonight and start working on it right away. I find it so interesting that the smaller things mae her highly anxious yet she doesn't grasp more obvious or serious dangers.

Really appreciate your feedback :)