I posted this elsewhere and felt that perhaps it was more suited to being here. My DD is very difficult and I've had a feeling she may have ADHD or ODD or something along those lines since she was very little, before 2yo with the behavioural stuff, and since she was very little with the lack of settling/irritability.
I am at an extremely low point today with her and had called the crisis helpline for myself even, my post was really about how desperate I was. If this is the worst bit, then I have some hope for the future, because that is something that is difficult to find when you can't seem to find solutions for all the problems your child has.
You are scared that you are actually a poor parent, that what everyone is telling you is right and that you should just batter their bum, except you've tried smacking and when your own child is laughing at you and telling you it didn't hurt, you know there's a point where you have to stop and say that physical punishment isn't appropriate, no matter how much people say that they'd never get away with that behaviour with them, they'd have a bum so raw they'd not be able to sit down. I am at a parenting class, I have the 123 Parenting Magic book, I keep being told by Homestart and the school I am a great mum, I do so much with my children, they have such a lovely home. So how come I am such a failure at parenting my DD?
Yes I am a single mum, yes I am disabled, but to me poor parenting is abuse and neglect and not giving them what they need; mine have everything they need and more, I give them time and attention, they go to school, they are well dressed and well fed. My discipline may depend on my fitness to do so that day, but I raised my son fine with it and my daughter is so completely different and has been since day one.
But getting help is like screaming into the darkness. Age appropriate behaviour, wait until they do XYZ and you should see some improvement. Except XYZ comes and goes and you are still getting up several times a night with a four year old who is difficult to settle and wakes from anytime after 12am onwards, often for the day. You fight to feed them, they want it on their terms and they always want sweets sweets sweets, except sweets send them hyper, as does sedative antihistamines, other children, even fruit. I fight to get her to sit down for a meal, she is literally up from the table on her feet the whole time. I've tied her to the fricken chair to get her to eat a meal. The same with getting her to sit down quietly, except it's climbing, doing headstands, rolling around, lying on top of other people, up down up down shout shout shout.
If I close my eyes, Mum open your eyes MUM MUM MUM MUM. The revenge attacks for being firm and putting her in time out, drawing all over walls, all over herself, ripping and tearing, throwing things at me, hurting her brother, letting the animals out their cages, breaking my stuff, it never ends. And the same reply I get all the time, she is your responsibility and this is your fault, if you just spanked her/timed her out/disciplined/put her in her room/grounded her and was CONSISTENT she wouldn't be like this, give her to me for a week, I'll sort her out, she'll have a bum so red raw she can't sit down, blah blah blah! They have no idea!
I find out in a social services report (she basically lied about being touched in school, she did it herself and blamed it on someone else) that the school have concerns, I've been saying all year that I need help, they've been saying no concerns. So I have to go through the trial of thinking she's been sexually abused, having doctors look at her, having social services come into my home, talk to my children, being excluded from the school while this is happening, having all my parenting skills checked, and only then do they think to support the fact that I need her to be assessed for behavioural problems.
All the time this is all happening and I am stressing with worry about my daughter, will she have friends, will I be enough to parent her, will she do well in school, will she end up like me and waste her talents, will she grow up with a mental disorder that rules her life and takes away all her opportunities. And trying to prove that I am good enough, jumping through hoops, doing courses, taking the criticism, trying to adjust my parenting to cope with her, sacrificing personal relationships, sacrificing having my animals, sacrificing having a personal life, sacrificing my sleep, my sanity, my physical well-being.
The finger points straight at me for not being good enough, lets not forget I did a difficult pregnancy alone, with a toddler in a wheelchair, then a birth and the subsequent difficult baby stage, all on my own, no financial support, no emotional support from her father at all until I had it taken from his wages when she was nearly three. I ask for help when I need it from all the appropriate places, Homestart, the school, the health visitors, my GP, even social services, I read the books and I take on the advice, but apparently I don't listen ever (thanks mum).
I'm in debt trying to keep up with being a disabled mum to a behaviourally challenging child, my mental health is battered, my physical health done in, I do my best.
I love that girl with the essence of my being, she is what kept me going in tough times, but loving her is bloody hard work, especially when I am the one to BLAME for her being this way, except I just think she is herself, and she needs to be parented differently, in a way that suits her. She's a one of a kind, doesn't fit the normal mould.
I am sorry this is garbled, I am extremely emotional today. I want people to see what parents have to go through, it may just be naughty child syndrome, but it's not through lack of trying to be a good mum, it's how her brain works, it's a bit different.