Mealtime advice (long)

[FateLovesTheFearless]

I am putting this in here as dd1 (7) has an appointment to begin assessment for SN this month and it may apply with the following.

My dd1 has always been funny with food. As a baby she had silent reflux and weaning wasn't a whole lot of fun either. She has a strong gag reflex at seven and will gag over anything that has a rubbery type texture, so melted cheese is out (likes non melted just fine), egg, mushroom and has never been a particular fan of meat in general.

I have 3 other dc all younger, 6,3 and 2. I'd like to stress that she, as they all have, was brought up with a varied diet and I can't see any reason why she is so fussy.

Dd1 can literally look at a dish and decide she doesn't like it. I can generally get her to taste it but if she has decided she doesn't like the look of it she won't admit if she does like it.

It's so frustrating, thinking of meals for the family and having to constantly strike off dishes because dd1 won't have it and with the four I really don't have the time to cater for her separately. Things like pizza, fajitas, cheese on toast, scrambled eggs, anything with mince, mushrooms, onions are all off the menu. On occasion I do serve some of the above anyways to see if anything will change with dd1 but it never does.

This particular mealtime, I cooked chicken drumsticks, rosemary roast potatoes, mixed roast veg and peas. It's actually the first time I have served up chicken drumsticks and not chicken breast or sliced roast chicken. Dd1 likes chicken. However because it was a drumstick, she refused to eat it or even try it. She just said, I don't like chicken. She has been eating it for 6 years! However I refuse to engage in a fight with her and just told her to leave the table then.

I am absolutely fed up of being on edge every time I cook a meal, (I don't show this or hover over her, I usually stay in the kitchen) and waiting to find she has turned her nose up again.

Not only that, my younger two are now starting to pick up on her fussiness and on occasion she has tried to bring her sister into being fussy by telling dd2 that dd2 doesn't really like what she is eating either.

What to do? She is being assessed and the gp mentioned aspergers/autism. I suspect aspergers as my brother has it and was also fussy. Do I just accept that she is going to be difficult with food and ignore/stay calm? Do I cater for her separately? How do I prevent her brothers from copying her behaviour?

I do realise that this could be entirely unrelated to SN and will be reposting in the parenting section too, I just felt it may possibly be relevant here too.

I can totally get how frustrating it is - you have my sympathies.
DS3 is with GOSH feeding team as he is somewhat similar, but 5.
There are so many reasons for food aversion and your DD's does need to be looked at (gastroenterology, ENT, multi-disciplinary feeding teams etc). There could be physical issues at play that could be related to the past history of silent reflux, gagging etc, sensory issues re texture, effect of olfactory senses which could be related to the issues that you are looking into - or not.
Is she healthy, is she growing? If so, then the fact that she misses some meals is not a big thing - although maybe supplements may be beneficial.
If it's any consolation, I had similar eating issues when I was younger. I still struggle with certain textures, cannot swallow tablets, and still find that some liquids come down my nose when I swallow! The cause was never discovered, but gradually I grew out of finding so many foods inedible to finding more than your average adult finds edible!
I have the reverse, in that my DS is the youngest and his brothers are considerably bigger, so use the 'do you want to be as big as your brothers' line often. So sorry, no advice.
As far as different meals go, to save hassle, I usually have some previous meals that I've cooked, frozen for re-heating. If the day's meal is not suitable - reheat one of those and ignore the difference. It is not unheard of in this house to have 5 different meals. Drives me mad, but cheat wherever you can

OP I have a super fussy eater who used to be on a previously-unknown-to-science white food diet. White bread, pasta, philadelphia cheese, rice krispies, chips. That was IT. I found it so frustrating and worried so much about him. I was constantly offering alternatives, banging on about healthy balanced diet etc etc.
I gave up.
Decided to let him have what he wanted; then bit by bit started to insist that he could have what he wanted as long as he tried one bite in his mouth that he could spit out after tasting.
He now has a fairly OK diet at home. Still has all his sensory issues but it only becomes a problem if we are out or away- he wont eat the mince anywhere else cos its not the same as home.
As above, I cook what he wants as well as everyone else's meal, or cook what he will eat. And I always have a frozen one of 'his' meals to fall back on.

Agree with porridge that the best plan is to give up the idea of forcing, stressing, worrying. Let her go with the flow.
Fwiw, when I asked a paediatrician how long it would take before DS might be able to eat a meal properly, he told me maybe next year, maybe when he's a teenager, maybe never. Could i see myself being stressed for that long? No