#hope this helps
Understanding the causes of emotional outbursts in children is key, advises Tanya Byron
Dear Tanya
Our 7-year-old daughter can?t deal with her emotions, which we think is a symptom of her mild dyspraxia. Even just slightly upsetting situations result in emotional outbursts. On a recent holiday, we took along some DVDs to watch in our cottage, but one of the cases had the incorrect DVD in it. She was inconsolable and, despite our best efforts to explain that this was a relatively small problem, it took some time to calm her down.
We want to help her to deal with her emotions better but don?t really know where to start. Can you help?
Alison
Dyspraxia, also known as developmental co-ordination disorder, was traditionally called clumsy-child syndrome because it shows in difficulties with co-ordination and movement. It is estimated that 10 per cent of children can be affected, with boys four times more likely to be diagnosed with the condition.
Dyspraxia is thought to arise from underdeveloped neuronal connections in the brain relating to sensory, balance and co-ordination systems. People with dyspraxia can also be hypersensitive to noise. A child in a busy classroom may struggle to concentrate and become highly distracted by what is going on around them, and can be labelled as poorly motivated or worse. These children can become anxious about learning and develop a low self-esteem, even though many will have high IQs.
As children get older and more is expected of them, many can struggle due to problems with short-term and working memory, as well as difficulties in following complex instructions. Organisation and planning are affected and so children feel even more out of synch with their peers and what is expected of them by adults.
Children and young people with dyspraxia need to be supported to ?over-learn?, via repetition, as they may be able to understand and complete a set of problems one day but have forgotten the next.
Another common difficulty faced is coping with change. Affected children do best when in safe, structured and predictable environments. Feeling ?different?, easily distracted, less physically adept and often overwhelmed by instructions, they commonly have extreme outbursts of emotion that can be linked to anxiety or frustration. This is hardly surprising when one considers the developmental challenges these children face, but add to the mix that because they have been misunderstood and labelled as ?the difficult, draining child?, such children begin to feel very down on themselves, with negative emotional outbursts increasing as a result.
It is important to help children learn impulse control in the face of frustration, but for children like your daughter, where the anger is less about not getting her own way and more about struggling to cope with unpredictability, a nuanced approach needs to be taken. While the basic parental approach to anger outbursts would be to withdraw attention and if necessary impose a consequence to help a child learn to express their feelings in a more constructive manner, with a dyspraxic child it is important to help them feel physically contained, and so holding them until they calm down can be very helpful. Many parents use beanbags as ?cool-down zones?, where children can sit and settle down, feeling physically contained by the enveloping beanbag, perhaps listening to soothing music.
Once calm (and not before), children should be encouraged to verbalise their frustrations and a calm and clear explanation should be given to help them understand the issue that has frustrated them. Angry and upset children (and adults) cannot process logic. Clearly children need to learn impulse control, and so it is important that they learn relaxation techniques. Dawn Huebner?s What to Do When Your Temper Flares is an excellent resource for use with 6-12-year olds.
Be aware of what triggers your daughter?s frustration. This will help you to predict occasions when she is more likely to ?blow?. Try to defuse these, or help her to be aware of them ahead of time so she can put some techniques into practice, for example, take herself off to calm down, do relaxation exercises, listen to calming music, squeeze Plasticine, draw a picture or write down what she is feeling if she finds it difficult to find the words to express her frustrations.
It is imperative that a child who feels overwhelmed and struggles with impulse control is not managed by an adult occupying the same emotional space ? calm consistency works. Positive encouragement must accompany tantrum-management strategies so a child gets balanced messages and doesn?t feel like a failure.
Break down tasks into stages and give clear and precise instructions in chunks. Support your daughter in repeating and rehearsing the stages as they are being carried out. Teaching strategies to organise thoughts and feelings are also imperative approaches.
While basic behavioural approaches are recommended for children who can learn to change their outbursts and tantrums, these must be supplemented by physical containment and careful explanation. It is important not to reinforce outbursts with too much attention, but for these children the message is less that they have behaved ?inappropriately? and more that they are understood and will be supported in learning cognitive and emotional skills to manage their difficulties.