Jealous and just wanna blub

[frustratedpants]

DD2 had a asd dx a couple of months back, we knew she was ASD so not a complete shock. She also has a huge S&L delay due to a hearing loss that was not picked up.

I've been to two NT groups these holidays and remembered why I stopped going when she was younger. The differences between dd and other children are so obvious.
She has no interest in other children other than taking their toys, she won't sit for snack, she doesn't do as she is told, And she refuses to walk outside. And I can't trust dd enough not to always have an eye trained on her at all times as she can be unpredictable towards other children, and can be very violent. If she doesn't get her own way she has horrendous tantrums.

I'm sick of the looks I get from other people. I know I should ignore, and I usually do, but it's all too much to deal with at the monent.

I can't help but watch the other children. With the younger ones especially, just thinking about how dd was not doing what they do, and in some cases still isn't doing.
And the ones the same age, being, well, NT.

I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but I'm just so jealous. And I feel cheated.
I think if she just had the one problem she might be easier to deal with, but with everything it's hard work all of the time.

We do have things in place, (DLA, earlybirds, statement) most starting in September. Which doesn't help me and my emotions now.

I feel like I no longer have the mental or physical capability to deal with it all and just want to curl up and cry. I haven't because that won't help anyone.

Please tell me I'm normal.

completely normal - i have 2 on the spectrum so been through it twice - i now tend to take the boys to sen playschemes only as there is much more understanding there plus as they have got older the differences become even more apparent - they seem much happier in the sen playschemes - weve reached the stage now where the mainstream schemes will not work - it is hard and life does feel very cruel at times and even now several years in i have my off days when i think 'why me' 'why my children' i have surrounded myself with like minded friends which really does help

I think I need to find some SEN play schemes, but can't seem to find any locally that run outside of term-time.

Totally normal. It does get you sometimes.

I was in a bookshop with a friend of mine. My kids are 11 & 13 and hers is 9

I got a spongebob picture book and a toddler's book about an ogre and pirates.

She bought a Just William book. or something like that. A big thick one, no pictures, proper print.

I wanted to sob.

I don't often see just how different my children are, so when I am smacked in the face with it, it hurts.

But then I take a deep breath and move on. We have to just get on with it. We all have children we love deeply and we're all doing the best we can and we have to really try to not get sidetracked with comparisons.

And I know how hard that is!

Totally normal. I went through a time I just couldn't face my friends with nt children the same age as my ds with GDD- just couldn't bear too look at them, it is like a slap in the face, if we are alone at home Ds is just a child, in company of nt children he is the 'disabled' child. SN meetings helped.

completely and utterly normal.

I could stand going to play groups with DS2. He is a runner, and every blasted parent left the stupid door open when they came in, or stepped out for a second, or went to use the toilet. Cue DS2 racing out the door and me chasing after him. Every few minutes for the entire time.

No matter that there was a sign on the store saying "please make sure door is closed".. no matter that I asked people REPEATEDLY to just close the damn door! Always always they left it open and he ran. And then they did the tutting over his running and my "paranoid" behaviour about the door.

and breathe.....

(can't tell even now a few years later it STILL aggravates me! Perhaps because we still deal with this at soft play and other similar places. Do people really not grasp the concept of closing a door or gate? Really!?!)

breathe breathe breathe....

Have you got a local SureStart centre? Just wondering if they might run anything. Ours runs a SN support group once a week that's held in the room with all the play facilities so the children can play while the Mums get to know each other. NT siblings are welcome up to the age of five as well. It's great because all the other mums are in the same position as you, so there's no judging and you can all help keep an eye on the dcs at the same time.

Might be worth asking if you do have a centre near you.

God yeah don't torture yourself!

They cancelled our surestart SN group last year. lack of funding There's nothing else in the area that caters for an under 5.

Oh no, it's a common story I'm afraid. Our centre has lost some of it's best groups, but fortunately the SN group wasn't one of them.

To answer the question in your OP, yes you are completely normal, it stinks and we all feel like that sometimes. What I would say, is don't rule out allowing yourself to have a blooming good cry. Sometimes we all need to release the pressure valve, we're only human and we can't hold it all inside forever. I often find I feel better able to cope after I've let it all out.

Sending some very unMNetty ((hugs))

This hits me from time to time too.

I think you have to go with it, feel it, have a good cry and pick yourself up the next day and carry on. I think we are lucky to have a good local NAS group. They even do a monthlyplay group session one saturday a month, plus the odd day trip, and 2 monthly parent groups (one day time, one evening time). I find being with other kids like my ds, and parents that get it, is just what I need.

If there aren't any local groups maybe ask on here or netmums local boards to find of parents with children with special needs?

We do spend time sometimes with one of DS's classmates and his younger siblings, or my nieces and nephews, but we mostly socialise with people in the same boat as us.

AFAISIC and some other charities offer occasional local meet ups. I have found the SN groups cheer me up too, its just a relief to talk to other parents.

Also agree totally normal. Like Hecate I tend to just not think about it (we spend a lot of time at the hospital or SN stuff or just at home/with family)then sometimes it hits me, usually after a park trip or similar where DD's behaviour and speech etc stands out or feels like it does. Very hard. I do the thing with younger children too, it was really hard when the babies, ie my friends second children who dd is 2-3 years older than, over took her developmentally. And its NOT fair so perfectly ok to feel like that.

Yep, know that feeling.
I like to think that I was sent my 2 SN kids for a reason, not bad karma or anything like that, just that we do cope (in general) and I know we've already given them a great start. And we have learnt strength and patience in such quantities that only come from such hard, day-in-day-out training.

I do feel for you, the playgroup stage was absolutely the worst and I wouldn't like to go through that again. At the time I thought I was coping, sort of, (except when salt was rubbed in the wound like at Christmas when ds was the only child not in the nativity), but looking back I can see I was utterly miserable and putting on a brave face. It's definitely normal to feel cheated and all the rest, I still get brought up short occasionally and ds is 12 now. It does get better though, you move on and meet different people who understand, and your child changes and grows too.
Can you look around for something different to the playgroup type setting that you could enjoy doing with your dd? I found it was much more fun taking ds to ducklings pre-school swimming. His differences were less obvious (there were plenty of other children who weren't confident in the water and screamed the place down) and I felt more on a level footing with the other mums. They were also a bit too busy with singing the Grand Old Duke of York with Actions supervising their own children to worry about what mine was doing .

I'm like this. Have been for ten years or so.

You're not alone but that's no help, is it?

Sending you

yes, it's completely normal. and for some reason (probably as not out of their budget!) professionals like to recommend them as some sort of "cure" for SN . Agree with everyone else, if you and your child aren't enjoying the groups, then find something you do both enjoy, the park/zoo/swimming/steam train, whatever

Hecate - re:books - my DS (8) can read reasonably well for his age, but chances are he will head for the picture book section in a bookshop, or the Oxford Reading Tree - I do wonder if it's part of the visual learner thing (I know that is a bit of a cliche with asd, that not all kids on the spectrum are visual learners).

Totally normal. Whenever I hear pregnant mums and mums of NT children moan about sleepless nights and whether their children will get into an outstanding school I want to shake them and tell them they are so lucky to not have to work out how to get places with a disabled child and a disabled toddler, not have to grovel to the school secretary everytime an appointment clashes with school run time and I have to pick them both up early.

The concept of visual learning is a neuromyth actually. learning style is habit and preference not brain layout so in Nt children at least we are indulging avoidance of the unused style. THere are companies out there making a fortune doing Inset training encouraging teachers to waste time sorting kids because of this. Obviously with ASD kids however we use whatever works and yay when it does .

Hello Frustrated

Read your post and wondered if I'd written it myself and not remembered! It's just so tough and so blinking unfair isn't it? As Thelightpassenger says, "experts" keep trying to push us into NT toddler groups. I used to try for DS' sake, but he didn't get anything out of them and they had me in tears every time so gave up. For a whille we did have an SN group and I felt so much better there, but that was cut at the start of the year.

I can't even meet with friends and their children because it upsets me so much. I have to say I have been working with a psychologist and it is starting to have some benefits (mine comes free because of all DS's issues!).

All I try and do is focus on the good things that happen - this week DS has learnt how to do a forward roll - do you know how difficult it is trying to get a nappy onto a child who tumbles over and over, laughing his head off?!

And then, there's always us on here to confide in, you are nothing but a normal person. Well as normal as the rest of us at any rate!

frustratedpants I could've written this post myself today!

DS1 had been sent upstairs to calm down earlier, so I was sitting at the table with DS2 and DS3 and I found myself thinking how much easier and possibly nicer my life would be if I only had them

how could i think that? about my own child?

it's so very difficult, and like you I am finding it hard to go out and do things over the holidays partly because it's just such hard work and partly because it just brings home how differnt DS1 is to other children his age.

it's hard work, it really is