New baby has made DD's behaviour much worse

[used2bthin]

I know this is nothing abnormal but I am really struggling. DD has gone on holiday with her dad this week so I need to get some things in place to help me deal with things when she gets back.

She is a loveely little girl (five, nearly six)but due to her genetic condition bening badly controlled recently (the guilt aout this is also upsetting me)she is very large for her age but also extremely angry and emotional. Developmentally she is around three ish but other than fine motor, her physical skills are quite good.

This all makes for a dangerous situation with my 7 week old baby. This week DD has been running off when we are out-I would go out less tbh but we have appointments coming out of our ears and this is about to get worse what with the poor control issue, she's going to be having more (painful )tests-she has non epileptic seizures in respnse to stress and pain which is also scary and has pobably upset her. Her language skills are really poor due to SLI and her speech extremely unclear, addding to her frustration.

She has also started hurting the baby and this means I can't turn my back for a second. In the car she leans over and tries to tip baby DD's seat up and also hits her and shoved a book into her neck the other day. Then at home she shoved her hard, winding her. I was right there too-she can be so lovely with her then just turns.

I have found a second hand car seat with five point harness on gumtree so hoping that will help. I am doing reward charts, visual aids etc etc and have asked the hospital psychologist to see her. What else can I do? Sorry for long ramble I am really stressed at the moment.

Get a sling. Baby is out of sight, out of mind as far as dd1 is concerned, won't cry much, is warm, cuddled-up and safe. With a bit of practice you can breastfeed in it hands-free (or bottlefeed one-handed, if that's what you're doing). Babywearing does slow you down chasing a runaway, but not nearly as much as a buggy would. And your hands are free, which means dealing with dd1 is much easier.

It's the one bit of equipment which seems to genuinely help in those difficult 6 months for most of the mothers without as many hands as they need (ie anyone with large families, SN dc or multiple births)

If the car thing stays a problem, you can get a front airbag disabled, which obviously isn't ideal but might be the lesser of two evils.

Thanks, I have been using a babybjorn but felt a bit unstable runnning after dd1 in it-she managed to get onto a ledge thing the other day when I had taken her into a shop to use the toilets on the way to speech therapy and I was terrified when I had to get her down whilst dd2 was tied to my front but maybe this is the type of carrier-the website kept being too busy but it seems there are sling meets does that mean I could go and try some out I wonder?

It probably would make life easier at home actually-atm I carry dd2 and put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me just so I can do a wee!

I wondered about that although XP has done that and got a speeding ticket due to being distracted by DD1 pressing all the buttons on the dash board-it should probably be the baby that goes in the front though. I also googled and found a divider thing that is meant for dogs but will try the car seat first-don't like buying a second hand car seat but its safer than dd1 leaning across like that and the distraction for me and possible injury of dd2.

Hi used2, so sorry to hear how hard things have been since dd2 came along.

First of all, it's still very early days and hopefully things will start to settle down as time goes on. Ds1 was more subtle about his dislike of ds2's arrival and used to do things like pinch the back of his neck or tip his swing up. I know it seems like a long way away, but my boys are inseparable now. They will learn to love each other, it just takes time.

As for the immediate future - I would wholeheartedly recommend a Moby Wrap sling. I had a Bjorn for ds1 and 2 and wouldn't wear it because I didn't feel they were secure enough in there for dogwalking etc. I bought a Moby on MN advice when dd was born and loved it from the first time I put it on. You can wrap them lovely and tightly and so close to your chest and much higher than a Bjorn, so that it doesn't affect your centre of gravity, so no worries about over balancing. You can pick them up for half their original price on ebay if you're lucky, but imho, if you need something asap they might seem expensive, but they're worth every penny. They are also much better for your baby than Bjorn or similar baby carriers.

The only downside is that it takes a little bit of practise to learn how to get them on and until you get the hang of it, it isn't the quickest of procedures.

Going to a sling meet is a great idea though, as there are lots of different slings available and some of them do just clip on, which is quicker.

For the car, I'm afraid I would have baby up front with me (airbag allowing) and put dd in the 5 point harness. If you are unhappy about the second hand carseat for her you could look at Crelling Harnesses. (I have also found one for sale here for £75 - according to that ad, they are about £112 new.)

If I think of anything else I'll be back.

Thanks moosemama and zzzz.

Moosemama those crelling things look great I am wondering if that would have been a better plan. I bought the car seat from the gumtree seller this morning-it is great and the mum I bought it from was very nice, she had bought it for the same reason I want it and had loads of tips on keeping ahead of a child who can have dangerous behaviour.Only problem is the back of it is so high (it is suitable for children up to 14) that it blocks my vision that side of the rear window. This is still safer than the constant turning round to tend to whatever dd2 is doing and the threat to DD1's safety but obviously not ideal so I think a harness would have been wiser.

Moby sling looks good I think a friend of mine has one I can try on. I have always been put off by how complicated the wrapping bit looks but I expect I could learn and DD2 is quite a cuddley baby so would probably enjoy being close which would mean less stress for DD2 if there was less crying. She gets very angry in response to lots of noise.

ZZZZ thanks that all sounds very good advice. dd2 has got sensory toys I will put some in the car, she has a little bag of them I take for times she is meant to be kept still. I am finding she isnt bored as such and she only ever does it to get to me iyswim-when she is stressed by other things mostly ie trip to hospital or something she can't get me to understand. Poor thing I really feel for her especially with current poor control issues as she will be feeling unwell and more emotional because of it, so hard when there are so many different factors for her. DVD in car very good plan, I did get her an android tablet which she broke in the car when out with her dad so I may get that fixed too (and buy a protective case this time!)

The 'close' is a wrap sling already wrapped. Pm me your addy and I'll stick it in the post for you to try/borrow.

We practiced behaviour at home. I separated the living room with a sofa and called the area behind 'mummy's room where children aren't allowed. I put an orange ribbon across the access and practiced children not crossin over it. If they did they got the severest of consequences.
Once established I coukd put the baby in that area. Not all the time as it's important the baby is intergrated and the children can see and touch him, but to have a

Safe place to park him.

Now we take the orange ribbon out and tie it to the pram or peg it around a picnic blanket. But we had to do the 'training' without a baby, so it isn't actually about not touching baby, just not crossing orange ribbon iyswim.

Having said that, we have been fairly lucky and DS hasn't been all that interested in him.

Hi starlight! was wondering how things were going for you (and has anyone heard from silverfrog ?)

Thank you are you sure do you not need to use it with ds in the mean time? Is it a moby? Will google it now sounds good.

Also like the practising idea, will have a go with that I think-DD1 is very changable, may be also having massive mood swings due to the meds levels atm so I am not sure she would stick to it iyswim but sounds like the kind of thing that could help remind her as its so visual. Bright ribbon is now on my shopping list!

I used the 'close' with dd as training for the wrap. Now I can wrap without drama i prefer the it so that is what I am using.

But you're welcome to try the close. You faff around the first time getting the rings in place but then you just put it on already wrapped to right size iyswim. It means you can't switch users without adjusting everything though.

Thank you starlight. I googled it and it looks good, a try of it first would be great if you are sure its not too much hassle. I have a bad back so so far have found carriers to pull my shoulders too much but a wrap style may be easier to get the weight round my waist more.