Families.... arghhh!

[Triggles]

Interestingly, I've read an email from my SIL to DH. We have been estranged from her for a couple years since she treated our daughter horribly (numerous times) and then basically said she's never accepted her as part of the family (and by extension, me either).

Anyway, she sent DH an email basically saying that for MIL's birthday this month, they've planned a "fun outing" for the day before which she would love for him to come along, but it's "not appropriate for children" and she knows how "hard" we "have it with DS2." And then she states that MIL has some free time the afternoon of her birthday and SIL think that DH should go spend some mother/son time (as in without me, DD, DGS, and our 2 young boys) with her that afternoon. Effectively shutting me, DD, DGS, and DS2 & DS3 out of MIL's birthday.

Is it just me or is this not-so-subtle manipulation?

She tells DH she really misses HIM. Not us as a family. HIM. And when he sent back an email saying she needed to mend bridges with me and DD first, she basically said no. I so don't need this with all the stress going on with everything else. Is it just me, or can family just drive you crazy?

And what the hell is this nonsense about how hard we have it with DS2?? Yes, he can be a handful, but he (and DD and DS3 and DGS) have a great relationship with MIL. I can't help but feel that MIL knows nothing about this - she would be hurt if we (meaning me, DD, DGS, and the boys) did not show for her birthday at all.

I've already resisted the urge to smack her recently, as when DH posted on fb that DS2 got his placement in SS, SIL rang MIL and told her before we had the chance. And yes, I asked DH to refrain in future from posting anything we want to share with MIL as SIL ALWAYS does this! In his defence, he was so excited that DS2 got into the SS, he didn't think.

So SIL would like her life not to have changed by her brother's marriage and children. and the SN just exacerbate the impact. I wouldn't worry about it, just ignore and find out directly what suits MIL,

Evidence for my guess: Hates dd, dgs, you and the 2 ds. Wants her mum's birthday to involve herself, her mum and her brother, but not his add-ons. Turns nasty towards dd whenever she can, tries to control various situations by whatever means are needed.

Evidence against: Nil

Pretty much. She tries to throw a wrench in the family dynamics all the time, trying to create problems between DS1 (but more DIL) and DD. It gets really frustrating.

I'm just not sure what to do regarding MIL's birthday. Obviously the "fun outing" is not child friendly. DH says he is not going if we're not going. We live a 10-15 minute drive (or train ride) from MIL, so DH can spend mother/son time with her any time he (or she) wants. So that's not really needed in this instance. I think we may need to opt for getting together with her just before her birthday instead with the boys. DD will contact her and go visit her separately as well with DGS1 and DD's DP, as she generally does in these (annoying more frequent) situations.

Yes, I think planning something on a day prior to her birthday would be best. Although we won't tell SIL ahead of time, otherwise she always manages to interfere in some way. She has done that before.

It would make more sense if we actually knew why she disliked DD. Nobody else (even her grown daughters) has any idea what the problem is. DD is clueless, even rang her at one point to say "if I've unknowingly offended you in some way, I am sorry..." but SIL just went off at her on the phone, so DD said she's not interested in that kind of drama and avoids SIL now.

mariam regarding this:

Time for MIL in law to take a stand and organise summat that suits everyone except controlling madam. She needs to be put firmly in her place by being openly left out of a family event or two on the grounds that "noone is prepared to pander to your selfish shite this time so we are ALL gonna have a nice time for once".

If only, bochead. MIL isn't aware of half the shit SIL dishes out, and frankly she is already upset over this. SIL can be horribly awful, and I think MIL is a bit afraid to start problems with her. She's also quite elderly (80s) and I think a bit frail since FIL passed away a few years ago, so I don't want to put too much on her.

SIL would never have behaved this way when FIL was alive - he would have stamped on it with both feet. He hated family dischord and demanded that if there was a problem that people sat down and sorted it and stopped it becoming a stupid big drama. If someone was behaving badly, he told them so.

I told DH that I am very close to having it out with her, and if I do, it's not going to be pretty at all.

I would just be honest with MIL and say the birthday celebrations planned are as you have been advised, not suitable for children which there really is no problem about but would she like to spend the day doing something with you and the children the day before as they will want to do something nice with their nanny. Leave it at that and dont bother informing SIL about it. Good on DH for sticking by his family and you. But you owe this SIL nothing and I wouldnt even give her the privilege of letter her see she has wound you up x

coff33pot good idea. True that it's better not to let her know how this makes me feel. I told DH today that I think part of the reason it's so difficult for me is that my whole family is in the states, and I've always felt a bit of an outsider here for being American (being reminded on a daily basis when I speak that I'm "not from around here"), then an outsider because of DS2's SNs, then this on top of it all. Feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down, and I HATE feeling that way.

That's it. I'm going to make an effort to ignore her. Not worth letting her wind me up.

AH! then you can move down here with me amongst the few cornish left there are a lot of brummies, mancunians, scots and american, canadian. ALL of which get the "you are not from ere are ee" from all the pensioner locals

As for SNs yep I know how you feel and SIL has a target excuse in that direction which is why she is so low handed and below the belt. Thing is just keep it in your head yes she is classed through marriage as a SIL BUT only marriage not blood. In which case you can list her with any other annoying, misunderstanding, ignorant stranger that you will bump into quite often during your SN supporting times :) I have two on that list my MIL and my SIL lol and its so easy to not let it get to you then.

Just plan a separate surprise and because you have not rised to the bait of being pissed off that a different non inclusive arrangement has been made will dampen down your SILs attempts and making you out to be the baddie :)

coff33pot sadly enough, when we lived in Devon I still never got to Cornwall. One day I'd like to go though, when the boys are a bit older and less "eeek!"

I agree, I need to distance myself mentally from her. I've done it with my two older siblings (they came over here to visit and were the picture of "ugly American behaviour".. it was so embarrassing!), so I should be able to do it with SIL if I really try. Although to be fair, my sisters are in the states - much easier to ignore when they're across the ocean!

I've spoken to DD and she will make arrangements with MIL to go over and spend some time with her for her birthday - she visits her regularly, but as it's MIL's birthday, obviously she wants to make plans around other things going on for MIL. I think we may try to go at the same time, so we can have a bit of a little family do of our own for her.