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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

Fuming

28 replies

jenk1 · 07/03/2006 17:55

Been to see clinical psych this afternoon.
She says that CAMHS have finished their assessment of DS and that he has "complex needs", this is despite them only seeing him at the hospital and not in school or home, but no they have finished the assessment.
OK then i thought thats good because we are going to get him assessed by a private psych who will come and see him how he normally is at home.
She then said that i have to stop DS from watching TV and playing out if he does not sit down and do worksheets during normal school hours, she said to start it off from 9-12, 3 hours a day of him sitting down and doing work with me.
Then next week he is to work school hours at home, how the heck can i get him to do this if he absolutely refuses to do so?
Chain him to the chair?
And the reason he has trouble with his social skills is because we as his parents have been giving him too much attention and he is lacking in social skills as a result oh and she recommends that me and DH go on a parenting course.
Angry
She wants to see "evidence"of him doing work as she has told him "it is illegal for you not to be at school and your mum and dad can get into trouble off the authorities"
She has told him "you will have to go back to that school, its not something that you have any control other so you will have to accept it"

Im absolutely fuming, how dare she say that me and DH are not parenting him properly, and that the problems he has are not due to ASD but our lack of parenting skills, and then to tell him he will have to go back to that school?
Even we would not say that to him, he has been bullied for years at that school and its not a decision we will be making lightly.

Im so so annoyed.......

Rant over now.

OP posts:
dizzy34 · 07/03/2006 18:07

What a horrible, insensitive attitude she had. no wonder your fuming.Bet you wish she could walk in your shoes for a few days, sometimes i think these proff need a reality check.

coppertop · 07/03/2006 18:11

it's not illegal for him not to be at school!!! There is also absolutely no requirement whatsoever for him to do endless worksheets and all in school hours. Learning can be done in hundreds of other ways.

The explanation for his lack of social skills is also laughable. How can you give a child too much attention??? And how on earth does that remove their social skills???

It sounds to me like this person is talking out of an entirely different orifice. Angry

Original poster
jenk1 · 07/03/2006 18:16

Im so glad that i have MN because for about 20mins in her room i believed everything that she was saying, oh and she said "if your mum and dad dont teach you like this then they are failing you as parents"

OP posts:
coppertop · 07/03/2006 18:21

If you haven't already seen it, have a look at the Education Otherwise website. They can probably explain the legal side of things much better than I can. A child only has to be in some form of education. That doesn't necessarily mean being in a school/college and it doesn't mean that you have to follow the national curriculum (or do bl**dy worksheets!!).

I'd be tempted to post her a few printouts from the site and put her in her place. :o

tobysmumkent · 07/03/2006 18:29

Oh Jenk!!! It sounds like she's not from this planet. Her vocab is anything but supportive for you and your DS (I'm being polite!).

I don't have any suggestions for you, except for the rather obvious one of, is there another clinical psych. that you can see in the dept? Anywhere else?

Or arrange to see her again (was it your Mum that was a star for you before at another meeting?) without your DS and go in with a list of her points, and a list of reasons why you find each one unacceptable/unworkable (and the type of support that you actually DO need!).

Sorry, Jenk :(

tobysmumkent · 07/03/2006 18:31

Or try to do it by letter if an appointment is too hard to get/takes too long to get!

Original poster
jenk1 · 07/03/2006 18:36

Im just waiting on a call from the private psych that we want to assess DS then im going to tell her that we are going along with what he says, thing is though i dont want to make an enemy of her because today she said it looks like the LEA are getting ready to statement DS and we will need her backing on his difficulties.

OP posts:
Cristina7 · 07/03/2006 18:37

Hi Jenk. I don't know more details than what you posted here but wanted to say that I've been on a taster session for a parenting course and it was fab. I didn't think i'd need it but it was good nonetheless to have some of my beliefs and practices confirmed - good confidence booster.

I don't know how old your DS is but i think that professional's attitude wasn't quite right, OK to involve him in any decisions but not OK to undermine parents' authority.

getbakainyourjimjams · 07/03/2006 18:48

jenk - do you have a copy of "home educating our autistic spectrum children, paths are made for walking". Essential reading and will provide you with all the ammo you need to tell the psych she is talking nonsense. It's published by jessica kingsley.

getbakainyourjimjams · 07/03/2006 18:49

\link{http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book.php/isbn/9781843100379\here} buy it- it will really help!

getbakainyourjimjams · 07/03/2006 18:52

also {http://www.he-special.org.uk/articles/aspergersindex.php\this website} has an email discussion group you can join- very helpful and UK based. There is also a US based site Aut2Bhome

getbakainyourjimjams · 07/03/2006 18:53

\link{http://www.he-special.org.uk/articles/aspergersindex.php\try again}

Original poster
jenk1 · 07/03/2006 21:13

i actually ordered this book yesterday as it looked good, thanks for the links jimjams

OP posts:
getbakainyourjimjams · 07/03/2006 22:42

It will help a lot Jenk- join the mailing list as well (the UK SN one) a number of the books contributers are on it and they are extremely helpful in dealing with the pros. They go out of their way to help- very friendly list.

KarenThirl · 08/03/2006 06:03

What a witch. She has no right to speak to you or your child like that and she seems to be making the rules up as she goes along. Stick to your guns.

macwoozy · 08/03/2006 08:18

I've heard nothing so ridiculous in that too much attention affects your social skills, who is this woman?? Putting all your ds's difficulties down to bad parenting is not the first time I've heard this I'm afraid, I was shoved onto a parenting course a couple of years ago with my ds pre-diagnosis. Sorry Jenk, I really feel for youSad

Original poster
jenk1 · 08/03/2006 10:04

Glad youve said that macwoozy, i was starting to think that maybe i am a bad parent and believing her.
She,s turned into a right cow, she was the one who told me to not engage a solicitor and i know that she has information on whats going on with the LEA because she told me that they are going to statement DS and we havent been even informed yet.

OP posts:
lars · 08/03/2006 15:46

Hi Jenk1,Really feel for you. Sounds very familar to me. I made sure I went on a parenting course to show them that I WAS DOING EVERYTHING to help my child.

These people make me sick, parents that do have parenting problems are not going out their way to try to help their child.

Please ignore the comments and find alternative help, and proof to the ' so called professionals', who should experience it 7 days a week then they might understand what you are going through.

They have no idea, what they are saying. I think it's becomes fashionable to say it's poor parenting. As a behaviour support worker said to me, usually when it's poor parenting all the kids in the family are affected. They sometimes try this tactic. larsxx

amynnixmum · 08/03/2006 15:52

This has come up at the support group I go to. The leader of the group is really concerned that parents of ASD children keep getting sent on the courses as though there is something wrong with what they are doing. She also points out that a lot of these courses emphasise ignoring the negative and focusing on the positive which is great for most NT children but you can't afford just to ignore 'bad' behaviour with an ASD child as that behaviour is a form of communication. A favourite in our borough is the Webster-Stratten course and apparently Dr Webster-Stratten herself says that it is not appropriate for children with ASD and that parents need a specialised course run by people who are experienced and knowledgable about ASD.

Original poster
jenk1 · 08/03/2006 15:54

thanks lars, i am going to go on the parenting course to show willingness, but as for making DS sit down like he,s at school and doing a timetable-she can take a running jump, im not having someone who has only seen DS in a clinic for a max of an hour a time telling me how to educate my son. Angry
I have taken advice from someone who has been through this and she said that she knows of a few mums who have been blamed for their childrens problems and like you said if i was a poor parent then why would i have gone out of my way for DS like i have?
But ill show willing to them and then when the ASD specialist who is going to assess DS finishes his thorough assessment then ill send her the report and a letter telling her what stress we have been put under as a family all these months!

OP posts:
Original poster
jenk1 · 08/03/2006 16:01

amynnixmum yesterday the psych said the same thing to us, "ignore DS bad behaviour and praise the good, the more you ignore it the less it will happen" Erm actually no is DS case the worse we ignore him the worse he gets, my mum said last night that she feels he has regressed since we are doing what psych says.
DS does has trouble with communication and sometimes meltdowns/tantrums are his only way of telling us that something is wrong, for us to ignore him results in him headbanging or getting worse, yesterday she said to restrain him if he starts doing that? and what will that achieve?

Stupid stupid woman, this is she who just before xmas told me that she was convinced that DS was AS/HFA and now its all down to parenting?

OP posts:
amynnixmum · 08/03/2006 16:10

Jenk
I read a really good practical book about dealing with challenging and unwanted behaviour recently. I recommend it to anyone who has a child who either has a dx of AS/ASD etc or whose child displays some of the behaviours associated with these disorders. Look \link{http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=421&a=4886\ here}

Original poster
jenk1 · 08/03/2006 16:20

thanks for that i,ll have a look

OP posts:
lars · 08/03/2006 17:52

Jenk1 and amynnixmum, this was the parenting course I attended 'Webster Stratton'. I found it useful and got to meet some nice mums with all different issues.

So what happens when you followed the the advice and still the meltdowns? will they take notice then? In my case they did. My course also had a school attached for the children teaching them ideas for positive behaviour and boosted their confidence/self-esteem. They could also see how ds interacted with the other children, which was good for me, so they could actually see the difficulties ds was having.
I had a positive experience and was glad I attended and was great support for me at that time.

Jenk1, your ds's behaviours sound very similar to my ds, don't give up, it's a struggle but I realised that a child with complexed needs says to me the professionals not sure of the diagnoisis.BTW my ds is also complexed therefore was hard to diagnoise. larsxx

emmalou78 · 08/03/2006 18:32

jen.
I am nothing short of disgusted by the psych.

Others have said already, but endless worksheets is not what home education is about, you have to adhere to the curriculum, you can therefore turn pretty much anything an educational experience.

How would giving a child too much attention affect their social skills?You've only recently removed him from school, and I assume he's been at school for at least 4 years now, surely if he was going to aquire social skills he would have at least started to by now...

And as for the things she said to / in front of your son, I'm appalled, and thats the polite version, to infer in front of a child who has 'complex needs' [or suspected aspergers, which is certainly a whole set of complex needs...] that you as his parents have caused this, and if you don't stick to a regime, that isn't going to help your failing him.. Angry

And a parenting course... well yes,s how willing, tehn in x many monts when your fully trained parents and your son STILL has complex needs maybe they'll realise how far up their arses they are.

In the meantime I hope the private psyche is at least 10 times more helpful! and taht you are able to get some advice and assistance that will benefit your son, and in turn your entire family.

emma x