i need advice about boyf DD

[haveathinkaboutthis]

I have a lovely dp both his kids are SN. I support SN in my workplace. When we are out and about dp (who i am dating do not live with) expects me to provide personal care to his DD. I do not have an issue with the personal care part, but surely as the parent it is his job? The issue is that his DD often soils herself, but Boyf and his EXp are unwilling to put her in a nappy as it is regressing her. OK that is fair enough. I his DD needs to go to the toilet I am happy to take her, but often find she has soiled herself. He says would you mind taking dd to the toilet, obviously because I am female and she is 10 years old so would not be suitable to take her to gents, But usually there is disabled toilets available. Sometimes it is fine, but sometimes I find that his DD has soiled herself. Because of no nappy I am left to deal with the mess with no gloves or wipes, just toilet tissue, and it sometimes can be a fair mess. If i was in my workplace I would have gloves, apron, wipes. But i find myself in customer toilets with only toilet roll to clean her up. I am a bit fed up to be honest, if i had wipes and gloves it would not be an issue, but DP thinks that DD should be continent and does not carry wipes etc. I am thinking it is my day out, my day off, and yet I have to deal with this. It is getting to the stage that I do not want out go out with Dp and his DD. Surely he could take her into disabled toilets and clean her? WWYD?

I don't know if i would do it

If the soiling is a regular thing then why doesn't her dad carry a change of clothes, wipes etc with him in a bag?

I think you need to have a serious talk about this as it doesn't seem to be fair on you.

If he is so determined that she should be continent then it is his responsibility to clean her when she soils.

Looking at this from the other side, what about the little girl, she must be uncomfortable and sore from being in dirty pants maybe it would be better for her to be in a nappy. I feel sorry for you and her

if his dd is soiling pants surely your boyf needs to go out armed with wipes etc? I would not hesitate to point this out. It would be a shame to allow the resentment to build between your for the sake of a pack of wipes, apron and a change of pants! Tell him! I do, however, think it is out of order that there is an 'expectation' that you will do it. This is more of a problem IMO, however he may have an issue with it all and might feel inadequate dealing with it in public? Maybe you could 'support him to build his confidence dealing with his dd's problems' rather than 'do it for him'.

If there is a disabled toilet he should take her in there. If not you can take her along with a bag of stuff. Get the ground rules laid out. Simples!

HW

How ridiculous that he is so ill-prepared to look after his own daughter. If she soils regularly, then he needs to have a bag with all the equipment necessary with him at all times when you are out together. By expecting her to be continent he is being neglectful and refusing to meet his own child's needs which would infuriate me.
He should be using the disabled toilets and cleaning her himself, any assistance you want to offer should be an appreciated extra, not that you always take over an unpleasant task.
How long have you been together?

your boyfriend is being unfair, he needs to face up to the continence issues, rather than dump it all on you, and refusing to carry wipes is ridiculous, like if he ignores the problem it will magically resolve itself.

I also think her parents should accept their DD soils herself and should care for her accordingly.
They might not like it, and think she's old enough to not do this but she does and needs appropriate caring and equipment (ie a pack of wipes)

If he's not capable of caring for his OWN child then he should admit it and stop causing her such distress. There is NO excuse for his not having to hand a fresh change of clothes, wipes and whatever other sundry items she may need to be kept in a clean and sanitary condition at all times when she is in his care. Not to do so is neglect - pure and simple. Is he this nasty, scuzzy & dirty in other areas of his life?

YOU are under NO obligation whatsoever to provide personal care for HIS child. If you CHOOSE to help out of the goodness of your heart then more power to you and I hope he is suitably grateful. If she was a non SN toddler you'd have no issues calling him out as a neglectful parent for not providing wipes and clean knickers etc - what's the difference, just cos she's 10 with SN?

If however as I suspect he's suffering from an acute case of denial and can'tbearseditis then in your shoes I'd give him a firm ultimatum - either he starts taking his daughters care needs seriously and demonstrates this to both the child and your self straight away & ongoing OR you tell him to sling his hook and call SS.