Asps. DS ostracising friends - how to help him?

[BlogOnTheTyne]

DS2 aged 11 (high functioning Asps., mainstream academic school) - and shortly starting senior school - has fortunately had a good small group of school friends - one since age 4 and the others since age 7. The children are all fairly similar to each other - a bit geeky - and have found solace in unity with each other, so this stops them feeling too 'different' socially.

DS2 is a 'strong character' in the group, very opinionated and controlling, 'needs' to lead - lots of those typical Asps/ traits, whereas some of the friends are more shy/ introverted in personality.

However, all the children are growing up and developing as people and DS2 is inadvertently ostracising them with his bossy and controlling ways - and also because he is so massively possessive of his friends. He really can't deal with what he describes as one 'taking away my other friend' - which often simply means, spending time with another boy, chatting.

One of the differences that DS2 has to the other 'different' boys in his group is that all the rest are maths/science geeks. DS2 really struggles with Maths and shines in Literacy/History/Politics.

I can foresee that over the next few years anyway, DS2 won't be in many sets with his friends nor share the same passions in Physics/Engineering/Maths. I can also see how he's making himself less popular with over-the-top jokey behaviour that isn't quite socially appropriate and just out of kilter with what's 'normal' - and also in his possessiveness and controlling behaviour.

As his mum, I of course love him and am really worried about how things will pan out for him over the next few years. But if I even begin to try to talk to him about other ways of behaving that won't ostracise his friends, either he gets really furious. feels criticised and rushes away or he literally cries. He's started puberty and I'm sure hormones are exaggerating his underlying characteristics.

Please does anyone here know how to help a child with Asperger's to moderate their social interaction, develop less extreme emotional reactions and retain some friends? It's heartbreaking to see my lovely little boy struggling with puberty and a lack of understanding in subtle social relationships and I don't know what else to do to help him.

Should I talk to the other parents - who I'm sure may have 'warned away' their children in recent times from DS2 - or just keep trying to talk about specific things he can do, socially, to maintain friendships? He really doesn't want to hear what I've got to say and has that Asperger's 'certainty' that HE'S right and everyone else is in the wrong.

It is really hard isnt it when you can see what they are doing but they cant.

Dd3 has been involved in lots of groups this year at school to try to help with this kind of stuff.

If I try to explain that she has upset someone she becomes very angry and wont ever apologise unless she has done something accidently.

Have you heard of "comic strip conversations?"
If he would be prepared to sit and take part, you literally draw stick people in boxes and write about situations using speech bubbles. It can help them to understand how their actions effect other people.

Sorry you and he are going through this but dont forget that the boys will probably all make some new friends when they move to secondary anyway.

Good luck

this sounds exactly where we are at...though my DS has no friends to speak of really and it's a very difficult one. He has changed schools a few times and his last 1.5yrs of primary has been in a new very small school and new area so this hasn't helped the situation for him. He entered when other children have established relationships and strong friendships and it has created a more difficult situation for him.
The advent of High School is now meaning that he will meet alot more peers and will benefit from finding other children within the 'support base' that have similar issues and interests and hopefully this will bring with it some friendships and the support there to learn appropriate behaviours and about good friendships and help him to maintain those friendships etc....
My DS just isn't interested in anything I try to address with him either so social stories and comic strip things just isn't doing anything to help him at the moment....it's the 'oh mum, just leave me alone' and he gets angry and frustrated about everything and anything I say...(puberty, hormones and mum just isn't cool!!)
He is starting some CBT sessions next week which I am hoping will help him in lots of ways...this being 1 area of major concern for me too.

Funnily enough it is me who worries about friendships and the lack of them and my DS doesn't seem to be worried at all...he is happy in his own company and never really expresses a feeling of loss or desire to have friends...things start out really well and tend to fizzle out and he is left alone again...it's heartbreaking but the 'what to do' escapes me too....I feel he has given up in many ways as it is so difficult, he seems to be avoiding trying now....his mindset is negative in many ways (accepting that he will have no friends, etc sort of thinking)...hence the CBT sessions and I'm hopeful they will help him