family rejecting diagnoses - bit rambly and ranty

[samithesausage]

Sorry for posting and running, I am knackered and want to go to bed! Will look in the morning- promise!

I have the problem that my family will not accept a diagnosis for me and my son.

With me, the diagnosis is aspergers. It kinda explains my childhood a fair bit, and the fact I'm generally odd and different to all the rest! The doctor said it looks like I have got it, she just needs to speak to my father and then make it official.

The second is my 3 year old DS, who has An official diagnosis of speech delay/selective mutism. I'm keeping an open mind about him though because he is very black/white thinking and has an obsession with black cabs, reads the number plates on the way home from nursery (so much so I've had to change our route to make it car free as possible! Lol!!) so I'm wondering if he's as aspie as well!

Thing is, I seem to be getting quite a lot of "there's nothing wrong with you, you were just shy as a child and were bullied". And "I don't believe it, its just another label"

With DS I'm getting the "there's nothing wrong with him, he's just lazy".

DS has been accepted into a special speech and language nursery, and has had lots of work done at his previous nursery to improve communication and eye contact. So he has got "special needs".

There is also a lot of "don't tell anyone you have aspergers" and "why are you going around telling everyone he has special needs? there's nothing wrong with him"

Is this normal in families to do this though? Do people get all defensive over special needs diagnoses? Is it a 50s throw back from when anything remotely different was thrown into an asylum (well not quite but you know what I mean!)

Is there anything that can persuade them that DS is getting the best course of action so far? In fact I find the label "lazy" more offensive, he's far from lazy.

Is there anything I can do to persuade them I like being an official aspie?

Been a bit ranty and rambly, opps!

Unfortunately their reaction is very normal.

My parents hate me implying that my 3 children, all who have a diagnosis, have any kind of SN.

All I can say is getting a diagnosis is very important. It's absolutely fine for everyone to know about your Aspergers and your child's difficulties.

Most people will be more understanding. But not all.

You are doing the right thing by your DS.

As IndigoBell says, that reaction is sadly very normal.

My ex-h denies that our children have any Special Needs. They attend a SN school FFS. You don't get allocated a SN school for nothing!

You are doing right. Eventually they might acknowledge the diagnosis but I don't think there is anything you can do to 'persuade' them. It did take my own family a while to accept 2 of my DCs were 'different' but they got there in the end and are very understanding and supportive now.

Thanks. I thought I was going mad.
His speech delay is quite noticeable now because he's 3, so they explain it as lazy. This is what annoys me! Then with the same breath its "I don't see why they say there's anything wrong with him he's just said the word xxx to me"
I'll try the "you don't get allocated a SN nursery place for nothing" line.
Thanks for reassuring me! I'm not going mad!

As justa says, they just may not be ready yet. There are stages to the grief that a SN DX brings and denial is definitely one of them. People who are close but aren't there every minute of the day can take a while to accept it. Often DHs can take longer than mums. It feels like relatives are personally insulted that someone in their family has SN, like it reflects on them, somehow. But it's probably a more complicated mixture of emotions. They'll come around.

be prepared to accept that sometimes family members may never be understanding and just keep your energies focused on yourself and your child...
my DM is an enigma on this whole situation...whilst she discusses and appears to have a good understanding, she also avoids the subject as though it has to be kept a secret and is often saying things like 'well, he just has to do as he's told' or 'why do you allow this, be firm and maybe he just shouldn't behave that way'....it goes on and on...harks back to 'children should be seen and not heard' sort of thing....older generation's just don't seem to get it very well it seems.
My ExP (DS's DF) still won't acknowledge the Dx or difficulties...he chooses to avoid his DS now....it's been very difficult for DS, now almost 12yrs.

Very common - DS' ASD is down to my bad parenting according to PIL. "There is nothing wrong with him that a good hard whack with a belt wouldn't cure, worked in my day" apparently [scream emoticon]

DS has ASD and goes to a special school as well, yet many friends and family find it hard to accept the dx. I agree with the others that there are better things to focus your energy on and I just ignore my family's comments when they try to dismiss DS' difficulties. I think it's more important to try to convince the people who can actually make a difference in terms of funding/provision, like the LA officials, teaching staff and DLA decision makers.

I have just got my own dx of ASD as well and I plan not to tell my family as I know they won't really understand. I will be selective about who I tell about it as well, I will if I think it might make a difference (e.g. I am studying so will get support, but no point telling casual acquaintances if I'm not sure they'll be understanding and might well be judgemental).

DS' ASD is down to my bad parenting according to PIL. "There is nothing wrong with him that a good hard whack with a belt wouldn't cure, worked in my day" apparently [scream emoticon]

Sorry to digress but this made me . Oh yes. Smacking the hell out of my DS would cure every problem he has apparently.

yes...my mother says this 'well, sometimes a smack is the answer, it didn't do any of you lot any harm (she chased us about with a wooden spoon to save her hand)and sometimes the short, sharp, shock is the only way...you should maybe do this dear, I'm sure it would help'

.... there is just nothing you can even bring yourself to say in reply to this bollocks is there!!! hahahahaha...it's so sad though really...it can be a lonely road sometimes eh

The head of the sn nursery described the nursery as a foot in the door with the lea. So fingers crossed I won't have much fighting to do when ds starts school.
I was told, when he starts reception he will probably be looking at 5 hours a week with a TA.

My partner (DP?) seems to think it's all (ds's sn) on my side of the family! Every time I mention anyone in the family who displayed aspie traits, I get shot down in flames! Everyone does seem to take it personally!
I think we are going through the finger-pointing its not me, denial stage.

If/when I get a formal dx, I'm tempted to get a T-shirt printed and shout it from the rooftops! Lol! Well maybe not. But again, everyone seems to be taking my dx personally as well! The only thing is, I wish I was dx'd 20-25 years ago. It would of made my life a lot more understandable!

Totally agree about taking it personally! It's still seen as a stigma I think. MIL said "Well we have no-one with that in our family. It must be from your side"

Totally ignoring the fact that FIL and DH have clear traits

There might also be a bit of guilt/defensiveness as a parent that something so big went unnoticed. To see you spotting it in your child where they failed to notice it in you would be a difficult pill to swallow. It might be hard not to take it as a judgement on their parenting. Lots of us on here know the guilt you feel when a dx comes as a surprise. It's just going to take time and education to bring them round, give them leaflets and printouts etc.
There is also possibility of them being on the spectrum too, they may be more set in their beliefs than most or using bravado to cover secret worries about themselves.