Can you help me support my friend with DC newly diagnosed Autism?

[nextphase]

Hi,

I added a comment to another thread, and it was suggested I started my own thread, so here goes.

A good friends oldest child has just been diagnosed with Autism, shortly before they turn 4. Child is lovely, and obviously has some skills with fine motor control - colouring is amazingly neat, for example.

Mum is (was?) a very comparing person, I've usually just responded that yes, DS1 is good at ABC, but have you seen how advanced your DC is with XYZ?

Any advice on how to go forward from here? I want to support her and her child as much as I can, but don't want to emphasis how different the 2 kids are - I'm assuming things will be quite extreme if they have been diagnosed this early in life?

Its already been suggested to me that I shouldn't down play friends fears, and I should keep up with the play dates to encourage social skills. Anything else I can do? Or that you'd have liked your Mummy friends to do / not do?

Thanks in advance

My DD who was 3 this week is currently half way through diagnosis should be diagnosed in the next two months, for me the biggest problem is friends not talking about it and being afriad to talk about dd as they dont want to upset me, but she is my DD and talking about her involves her illness, I wont break if I am asked questions and I love talking about my daughter, I would rather someone ask something horribly tactless and hurtfull than be afraid to talk about the elephant in the room.

As for the comparing I do try to do this but it is because I want a honest answer so that I can better understand my DD illness and differences and help her to deal with these I know she will be different but I am trying to figure out how different. Also with autism (not the subtypes) symtoms have to present before age 3 and it does not really give any idea as to the severity and from what I can gather age 4 is a average time to be diagnosed HTH

It is thoughtful of you to come here to ask for advice on this - you've already done more than any of my friends/family just by doing this!

First thing I'd say is that Crawling is right, getting a dx at 4yo is pretty standard. When a child is diagnosed has no bearing on future outcomes.

I'm assuming things will be quite extreme if they have been diagnosed this early in life?

No, not at all. Did you think the child was "severe" before the diagnosis? If not, then there's no reason to think they are just because of the age of dx. Your friend's child is as 'severe' as he/she appears to you. Treat him according to how much you think he responds to you or his skill level or understanding, not how you think a "child with autism" should be treated. There is no reason why you should suddenly change how you treat him just because of his dx - he is the same person he was before.

My ds was dx at 3.6. He is 'high functioning', at mainstream school, highly verbal, bright, chatty, communicative, has friends. In many ways he 'passes for normal' (until you notice that he constantly talks about the same thing ). People are always surprised he has ASD when I tell them. Age of dx is not an indication of future outlook.

My personal bugbear is people thinking that "children with autism" do x or y or z. People saying "they" do x yz "don't they". Your friends child is an individual as much as any other child. Autism, imho, doesn't define a person - it is a condition that affects different areas to varying degrees.

Definitely keep up playdates. The most important thing any other mum can do for me, actually, is to suggest playdates. It is really important.

I'd try and steer away from comparisons. The development of a child with asd is just different from nt children - so being 'advanced' in some areas doesn't mean the same thing. Your friend probably seems OTT about comparisons because she's trying to reassure herself about her child, not because she is actually competitive iyswim.

But do point out good/nice things about the child, whether the characteristics are because of or nothing to do with the autism.

I haven't found any of my existing friends or family particularly helpful tbh in some cases completely the opposite prob because they are all scared of saying/doing the wrong thing, so none of them really talk about it!

Take her lead about how to talk etc to him - and ask her if there's anything she would especially like you to do (eg in my case I ask people not to respond if ds asks them how old they are/what door number they live at/what size their shoes are as these are current obsessions of his that we don't want to reinforce).

Point her in the direction of this board!

Sorry for the essay.

Thanks for the comments.

No, I thought the Mum was bonkers pushing for an assessment - but then the only experience I have is a co-workers step child who is non verbal, and has massive tantrums at the slightest change in routine. This child is nothing like the only autistic child I've been exposed to, and I guess thats what set me thinking. In fact I wouldn't have marked them out as very different to my son.

Why do I have an image of parents pushing for a diagnosis when their child is at school? I've obviously got a lot of pre conceptions. And I don't particularly want to do an in depth google, as I'm most certainly not the expert in her child, and don't want to appear to have researched her child. But research is in built in me - its part of my job.

Basically, I need to carry on acting as if I hadn't heard the diagnosis, but also allow my friend to chat and discuss if she chooses me as a confidant?

And yes, definitely point her in the direction of here, once this post has faded back a few pages - tho I don't think I'll have identified anyone on here... fingers crossed anyway!

Thank-you

The comparisons will drop off now, obsessing over where your child is in the development race is a often just a variant of 'are they normal, do I need to see the dr?'.

Of 4 boys in our nct group, 2 now have asd diagnoses, and the other 2 clearly have 'traits'. I think if we hadn't 'compared' we'd have trusted our instincts and got diagnoses much earlier.