I've lost control.

[glitch]

I'm struggling at the moment. I have a 6 year old DS with HFA. He is becoming more agressive and angry when he finds things hard or is on the edge. He is now hitting me, calling me an idiot, threatening to spit on me. What do I do???
He can be so lovely and I don't think I'm a shockingly bad parent but I just seem to have no control and no tools to use. I've threatened and taken away the Wii, the PS3, his DVD's for a week, he has lost out on going out later, a cake, the use of the hose for the summer holidays, his toys have started to go.

Any advice or tips or help would be really appreciated. Thanks

I think once you drag punishments on for another day then it's all downhill unfortunately because he has nothing to lose. I don't punish mine, especially ds who would make sure I paid tenfold for upsetting him even if he was the one initially in the wrong. I do though have rewards and incentives and use them liberally and if we are going through a tough patch then the criteria to receive a reward is huge because I find that a small positive if rewarded tends to lead to more positives.
Ds complies with pretty much anything so long as there is something in it for him. I don't need to offer constant rewards now because he realises that enough well done's or thumbs up will get him a magazine or a dvd but early on he used to get stickers, or marbles or coins or yu gi oh cards for seemingly very little.
I'd stop removing things allow him a small amount of time doing each thing he likes regardless (if you take them away it's you suffering too anyway) but then give him incentives to earn extra time by complying with requests, behaving well, using nice words and not hitting.

I completely agree with insanity. You are battling a totally different mindset with child with HFA and I know punishments don't work with my DS who is 9 and has AS.

Rewards and incentive charts do. Planning together the sort of things that he will get ticks/stickers for etc and then applying them very liberally to start with so he sees immediate results.

Look also at hose times when he is on edge or likely to be on edge and see if there are ways of planning what is going to happen together. For example, my son hates waiting but if you give him a plan, a time and a reward, you can generally get through it.

It is very tough and each child is different so I don't mean to judge in any way. It is easier as they get a bit older and can participate in planning a bit more.

Holidays are stressful too.

Take care.

I remember getting into negative spirals with Dd1, it was a horrible time and most of the time she had absolutely no idea what she had done wrong. I regret that time now that i understand more about ASD.

With Dd3 we walk away when she is being a pain and show her a yellow/red card when her behaviour is unacceptable. We explain clearly what she has done wrong but then give her the opportunity to try again before we punish.

Try to notice the things he does right more than the things he does wrong, it will help to lift everyones mood.

Really feel for you

There is a "discipline" strategy called "Catch them doing something good" which might be very helpful for you. Punitive consequences are not very effective with kids on the spectrum, since they seem to have a tough time grasping the whole idea of natural consequences, but when the positive is recognized and the negative is corrected, but not necessarily punished, you will find that the negatives ease up and the positives increase (however, it doesn't happen overnight).

I used to work in long term care with patients with varying forms of dementia (both acquired and disease based) and one of the things that I learned early was that everything has a trigger, and with a lot of retrospection and introspection, you can usually find the triggers and avoid them or head them off before things get out of hand. This is the same for kids on the spectrum. Is he out of sorts because he is on hols and therefore his schedule and routines have changed? Is it the temperature outside? Perhaps now that he has had all his tech toys taken away, he is anxious because he can't figure out how to amuse himself. I have found anxiety is one of the biggest anger triggers out there.

In the short term, schedule his day as much as possible - with visual and verbal cues before activities change - 5 minute warnings, then wrap up one activity and introduce the next (depending on his needs, you may find yourself doing it 50 times a day). Out of bed, dressed, washed up, teeth brushed, breakfast, clean up after breakfast, physical activity, quiet activity, physical activity, prepare for meal... and on through the day. It means that you will need to schedule your day and try to avoid surprises, but it will make a huge difference. Throughout all of this - recognise him when he is doing as you ask - not at the end of a task, but throughout - it is a motivator to continue in the right direction.

Hope this helps a bit, it is a tough place to be in, but a lot of us have been there and we are here to support you.

Our paediatrician told us to ignore all poor behaviour unless it was dangerous and even then we should remove the danger (or ds from the danger) without comment. We praise and reward constantly instead. I tend to look for things I wish he did more often (like letting his sister join in playing) and praise it like mad whenever I see it. Works fairly well for us

Sorry I've not been back on since posting. Thank you so much for your replies and yes, you are so right.
I think I'd forgotten all those things. I know punishments don't work but I've got myself back into that cycle. Sometimes you just need reminding by lovely people on here. We are in a bit of a pickle at the moment as myself and his dad are separating, and it's the sumer holidays, and it's hot and I just need to focus on the fact that he isn't a naughty child, he had autism and I'm not really doing a lot to help him at the moment.

I had a sit down and cuddle with him yesterday and we wiped the slate clean, he got everything back and we are starting again. I'm going to try an idea a friend gave me and he now has a pot of sweets and for agressive, hitting, spitting behavior he will lose 1 sweet (I might eat it to cheer me up from being hit!!) but next Friday he can have the remaining sweets in the pot. I think I might add more to it when he shows good behavior too. Is that too negative still though?

Oh gosh, all so hard.

Don't take the sweets away. Start with an empty jar and add a sweet for literally everything kind he does. Focus on kindness if the hitting is a problem. Or focus on the reading if he really needs to practice. Lots of looking at the jar to see how well he has done. I would start with letting him eat them each evening after dinner too as a week is a long time to wait for a record.
Is so hard and so frustrating. But positive reinforcement definitely works.

I agree with shopping, Dd3 would understand the concept of losing sweets but if I actually took one out for whatever reason she would go berserk.

I think I would go with him earning sweets and ditch the negative completely if you can.

I have done the marble in the jar technique with Dd1 it worked really well but I was taught never to remove marbles once they were in.

Good luck

Hi there glitch my little one has PDA , so know what you're dealing with, hitting swearing , no response o any normal discipline methods, no response to reward etc cannot do as asked ever. The only thing I can do that works is use the indirect PDA methods . This really does help....mostly! :)

If you can, it would be worth making a note of why he explodes - what leads up to the outburst/aggression, what the trigger is. You might see a pattern forming - eg too many demands put on him / he doesn't understand / can't communicate what he wants to say or feels / bored / wanting attention / wanting to be left alone. You've already identified some of this by 'finds things hard or on the edge'. The hitting etc is his way of dealing with it, not because he's aggressive, but because he's lashing out.

So if it's possible to work out the function of his behaviour, you can then more easily work out how to handle it. Eg if it's because he finds things hard, you can try breaking down the task you're asking of him into small steps, massively rewarding him at each step of the way (even if he doesn't 'succeed' but reward him just for trying).

Totally agree about rewarding the positive, appropriate behaviour, and where you can, ignore the inappropriate. I'd ignore the spitting and verbal abuse (hard, i know!) and only punish for physical aggression. Then reward for 'good' behaviour. As others say, it is much more motivating to get praise and rewards than to get punishments, especially if you're getting punished really for just not knowing how to handle things.

So you can also try teaching him more appropriate ways of letting out his anger or frustration - it's ok to be angry after all!

He sounds quite like my ds, who actually really wants to be 'good' but just can't handle failing or not excelling, so will really overreact (used to be aggressive, spit etc too).

A token system might work - each day do a tick and cross chart where if he gets 10 ticks he gets a treat at the end of the day (wii time, sweets, whatever) - could even try drawing the treat at the end of the 'tick' column. Each time he does something 'nice' (even just eg listening to you) give him a tick and make a big show of doing so. If he hits/spits/shouts he gets a cross. But don't get angry when filling in the cross - just matter of fact and a bit disappointed.

HtH