Parents of ADHD children please PLEASE help me

[Losingitall]

I am waiting for an ADHD assessment for my DS10. He had a CAHMS assessment in May, and saw a child psychologist who has referred him to a paediatrician for an assessment.

He demonstrates all the behaviours of ADHD that I have read, and the psychologist we saw says it?s likely that he has it.

I am sick of chasing for the appointment but that?s a whole other story (6 phonecalls now with the promise of ?we?ll ring you back but they never do)
Anyway ? he?s always been ?different? followed his own path, stubborn, creative, funny, attention seeking. Always. It?s just more frequent now and more obvious.

He is always in trouble at school for disruptive behaviour, attention seeking behaviour, is easily frustrated. He?s been on report at school on and off for 3 years for too much talking in class, but as he?s G&T academically, they have said they can?t provide any support. They advised me to take him to GP and he referred to CAHMS.

At home he swears, won?t sleep, is clumsy, interrupts constantly, pushes the boundaries constantly. Picks fights with his older brother who is now doing anything and everything to exclude and withdraw from his brother. Will never do as he is told, won?t listen. Has an amazing knack of turning everything around so it?s always someone elses fault. He says he ?can?t? look at a situation from someone elses perspective that ?his brain won?t do that?. He seems to be either unaware or doesn?t care about the consequences of his behaviour. When I tell him he?s said something out of order his reply is always ?I was only joking?. He can?t accept that people find his behaviour hurtful and not funny.

It?s all come to a head this weekend and I need help now. He is breaking my heart. I love him so much but he?s either always angry with me for any reason, being manipulative, showing off, arguing or completely babylike, loving?.but it all comes back to attention. We?re all off on holiday next week and I and my DP and my older DS are all pretty dreading it.

I have tried lots of things I?ve seen on parenting sites but I?m looking for some real life practical ?what worked for you? tips.

Please help. I?ve spent pretty much the last 3 nights awake and in tears worrying about him.

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time.

You're better off re posting this in special needs. There are loads of mums who are in your position and will definitely be able to give you some invaluable advice.

Good luckx

At my school we use a written format to get the kids to see how their behaviour towards others impacts back on them. I'll try to explain but it's hard without being able to draw it for you!

We start with the question 'What do you want to happen (whenever- now, this afternoon etc)? Let's say the answer is 'go to the beach'.

Make an landscape piece of A4 into columns headed: What I Want, What I Need, What I Will Do, What Others Will Think, What Will Happen.

What I Want: To go to the beach.
What I Need: To be taken there by Mum and Dad (so I have to make them want to take me)
What I Will Do: Make them want to take me by showing them I am going to be polite and nice to be with.
-Use polite words
-Use polite tone of voice
-Wait for others without getting impatient
-Help when asked to

• Follow instructions straight away now to prove I am willing to do so. etc etc

What Others Will Think: They will think that I will be fun to be will and we will have a good day on the beach together so they will want to take me. What Will Happen: I get to go to the beach.

You can also write out the alternative version (not in these words obv!):

What I Will Do: Be a PITA
What Others Will Think: I will spoil the day at the beach for others so they won't take me.
What Will Happen: I will stay at the holiday cottage while Mum reads her book and only my brother will go to the beach with Dad.

But then you would have to be prepared to follow it through.

Time consuming because to start with you have to go through it for almost every situation. You would need another one for What I Want: be taken out on a day trip again tomorrow (and therefore must not be a PITA today). However, it does work though to get kids realising that they have to consider OTHERS in order to get what THEY want.

Thank you so much both. The format sounds hard work but worth it. I'm going to make one and take it home with me tonight.

I am going to ask for my post to be moved to special needs.

@Losingitall

Thank you so much both. The format sounds hard work but worth it. I'm going to make one and take it home with me tonight.

I am going to ask for my post to be moved to special needs.

Hi we've moved this into Special Needs: Children for you now. Thanks.

Losingitall My DS2 is 6yo and has ADHD (among other SNs). He really does struggle with his behaviour, but does much better when given positive reinforcement and very short term goals, as opposed to punishment or negative reinforcement. He simply does not understand consequences and cannot curtail his behaviour with the threat of "no Wii tonight" or something like that. He'll do the bad behaviour anyway, with no thought to consequences at all (I honestly do not think it even comes into his head), and then will meltdown with distress in the evening when there is the consequence. And it has to be immediate for it to have any effect at all - he doesn't have the focus to work on a day long goal. It's all small goals here.

He has no patience whatsoever, so we've devised numerous word and number games or "can you see..." games to help him cope. They also help him calm down when he is mildly distressed.

But your school is not correct about providing support. DS2 is on G&T for maths, and in top set for reading, but he still had FT 1:1 support in his statement (and the school provided FT 1:1 almost immediately, even though we had no diagnosis and no clear idea what SNs we were dealing with. Support at school is for anyone that needs it, regardless of academic level.

The first thing you need to do regarding his school is request a SA. Do this yourself. The school will have to cooperate with it. Secondly, put together a letter indicating that it is obvious by his school history that your DS has additional needs and is not receiving appropriate support and assistance from the school. Demand a meeting immediately with the SENCO to discuss what support and assistance can be put in place, as you are concerned that despite these behaviours being recognised as a problem for the last few years, the school has taken no measures to support a child that obviously needs further support.

Bring someone with you to the meeting. Take notes. Document everything. Any time they send him home from school or have a behaviour problem with him, make sure they put something in writing. Do not take him home unless it's documented on these occasions. Keep a paper trail -it's your best proof that something is wrong. Get his school records if need be to double check prior discipline issues to support you in this.

If he is having numerous behaviour issues at school, he should also have an IEP which should be reviewed regularly. Does he have one? If not, mention this in the letter. If he does, mention in the letter that either you are not being invited to attend the regular reviews or they are not reviewing it.

There will be plenty that can provide much more thorough advice. This is just a start.

One tip from me would be to talk less. I know I still do this too much. I'm sure all they hear is blah blah blah.

Instead of you haven't put your shoes away, why haven't you/why do we need to, you never do it etc etc etc, a simple SHOES! will do. Really, most parents talk too much. My ds gets frustrated easily and this def. helps him.

Also learning when to give him space. When my ds is getting worked up I ask him to sit in e.g. my bedroom to have a couple of minutes to calm down.

I found the book 1-2-3 Magic worked very well. It's a quick and easy read and a v. simple system that mine responded well to.

Clear rules, less talking, lots of positive stuff (I know that is hard sometimes ! Shame that you say you and dp and ds are all dreading the holiday (because of him) do you think he's acting up more cos he feels you're all against him?

My ds w. ADHD v. rarely say they can't do something because of their condition. I am very firm tbh about it, the couple of times they have mentioned it I say it isn't an excuse, it just means they have to try harder. If a kid find reading/maths difficult, he can't just say he can't do it and give up, most likely he will have extra maths/reading to do to improve. They have to develop their skills in whatever area they have weakness, they can't just throw their hands up and give up.

As well as that book which I think is v. v. good, I also get newsletters from here

www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/553.html

which are also often useful

If you look up Social stories (for those with ASD mostly) they are in the same kind of formatt as the EBD teacher mentioned that will help you. Ignore the little things he does and have a think about what the bigger things are you would lke to work with him. A calm down area for him to go and chill in be it his bedroom but still he knows if he gets upset to just take himself of there. On the sleep you need to ask the paed or Camhs to try sleep medication for him. Ring up your local ADHD support organisation and ask them about courses or support which they may provide. You have had had some good advice so I will try not to repeat it but will back what the others have said also.

That reminds me, ds went through a v. long insomniac phase. we fixed this by

1. speaking to someone who trained him in a couple of getting to sleep relaxation techniques which really did work amazingly.

and 2, buying a trampoline. all the boys really tire themselves out on it and can work off their anger and frustration in a safe way. There is a huge difference bwn summer and winter - we tend to have a lot more sleep problems because they are not so active. It makes a very marked difference.

article here specifically about coping with summer holidays, with several links
www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/694.html

Some good advice here. DS1 is 8 and has ADHD as well as ASD. He's too highly oppositional and insufficiently self aware to work directly on behaviours.

One of the best bits of advice I've had is to be selectively deaf or unobservant. Obviously not to the point of overlooking dangerous behaviours, but simply for the sake of sanity. One of those times is when he's just been asked to do something - ask, wait (either for the explosion or being completely ignored) and then ask again.

One thing to look into is whether any of your DS's behaviours are sensory in origin. Being surrounded by lots of other children all doing their own thing (breathing, moving, scratching pens and pencils etc) might be particularly stressful for him or even just sitting still might make him more painfully aware of all the various sensations around his body to the point that he's stressed by them.

Theres a book I think which you might find useful - The highly sensitive child - or something like that explains sensory processing quite well, this might help.

Thank you all. I will respond more fully over the day but I am travelling and didn't want to leave the responses unthanked x

I wish i had had ebd's list idea when Dd1 was younger. She could/can never see the impact of her behaviour on others and although long winded i think it might have helped to break it down like that.

My only slight issue with it would be getting the dc to sit long enough to go through all the steps. When i tried to do social stories with Dd3 she just walked off and said You cant make me look at that!!!

Definitely reduce the amount of words you use. I sound like a sergeant major when i am talking to Dd3 but it helps to cut out any confusion if you only say the key words eg Jumper on instead of can you put your jumper on please its time to go to school. I also use the sign for stop when i need her to listen to me.

Have you tried a wobble cushion for sitting, Dd3 cannot keep still due to sensory seeking and poor muscle tone but the wobble cushion gives her feedback constantly and so she is able to sit for longer.

Oh and welcome to the board :-)

It is long winded Ineedalife and is definitely a teaching tool rather than a technique to use in a crisis. It is easier for us to use it in school too, as the routine is more predictable and we have the time to put into planning behaviour startegies for flash points we can see coming.

Over time though as it becomes a learned strategy it becomes possible to use it as a prompt. With some of our kids we can just say 'What is it that you want to happen next?' and they will do the rest of the thinking themselves. Oh yes, I want you to let me go out to play football so I better stop pissing you off.

LOL @ that, EBD I have worked in inner city with DC's with EBD's so I know what you mean.

Unfortunately when Dd1 was younger I hadnt had the benefit of the fab training that I got in the school.

I use a red and yellow card system with Dd3 which works really well for me. Know that it has been in place for a while I usually only have to say "If you dont stop xxxxxI am going to show you a yellow card"