Newly diagnosed ADHD...I'm struggling

[AlderTree]

After much toing and froing to paediatricians. OT, physiotherapists and the like my daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD. I'm shell shocked to be honest.

Partly because of all the friends and relatives, preschool who have known about the appointments ( even filled in forms for the referrals etc) constantly telling me she hasn't got ADHD. Partly because she is so little (4) and partly because I feel apprehensive about telling the rest of the family.

It does n't end there either as we have more assessments before the year is out to investigate further.

Important things to remember...

1- she's still the same little girl, a dx doesn't change her

2- if a number of medical professionals are coming to same dx,that's pretty conclusive

3- it doesn't matter what friends, relatives, others say...they are not medical professionals, experts in children with SNs, and do not live with you so generally don't see ALL the behaviour. They also tend to have a "mental picture" of what they expect to see with particular things such as ADHD and they simply do not see it with your DD. It's irrelevant. Don't let it confuse you. (family and friends can really throw doubt in things, and it's important you get your head around this so you can start to deal with it and help support your DD)

4- Even when it's expected, a dx is a shock. We went through this as well.

Are you struggling with her behaviour or just the dx and family/friend input? Or both?

There is massive ignorance around ADHD in girls, so in return, feel free to ignore most people's words of non-wisdom.

Thanks Mariammariam and Triggles.

The biggest issue is the mental picture others have of ADHD, not helped, I admit, by the message the likes of the Daily Mail sends out about naughty, out of control children and the judgements other people make. I feel this particularly as members of he older generation in our family read and are influenced by what they read in this paper and the media.

You offer good advice about the fact she is still my little girl and the fact that if so many health experts think that, there should be no confusion.

I think it is such a controversial diagnosis. AS we were talking to the dr. Putting our view of our child across she seemed to get more determined and definite about it.

It's also the fact her behaviour will never be just a phase and I know it will be a long battle to help her. We have aspergers, dyspraxia and adhd in the family too and I think the dyspaxia was what everyone who thought they knew what they were talking about had decided she must have. So as you say not a surprise but a huge, reality shaking, shock.

Even though we have known since she was a baby her behaviour has never been just a phase you can't help wonder if you are not just a bad parent, didn't work etc etc everything would be normal.
Sorry this has turned out a little long but I don't feel able to speak to anyone, other than my partner, about this in person yet.

It will take a while before it sinks in. With a diagnosis comes the opportunity to get exactly the sort do help and intervention your DD needs. Both my DDs and my DS have ADHD. Each one presents differently and needs different help.
There is a lot of prejudice around ADHD, all based on hysteria and ignorance. You will need to develop a thick skin and selective hearing. You can't let another person's ignorance influence your parenting. Be prepared for some of the worst denial and criticism to come from close friends and relatives. My PIL are spectacularly good at the unthinking and unhelpful comment.
The best reading material I found for ADHD is Dr Christopher Green's book Understanding ADHD. Lots of practical, non hysterical advice.

Thanks NunThe Wiser. I think it is the girl=adhd thing that is hugely tricky. I know what my nephew is like but I don't know anyone else with a girl that has the diagnosis. Another reason for the shock I suppose and in part my own lack of understanding too.

The next thing, I think I am a little like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter, is a book to solve all our problems! (I know it won't) So thank you for the recommendation, I read Chris Green's toddler taming when the children were toddlers and I remember the no nonsense advice about that so I will look it up.

Anyone else know any good books or stockists of thick skins? (I am hopeless at this, even if I keep it together at the time I collapse later in an emotional state in private)

Nothing wrong with a bit of a cry from time to time. It's frustrating and upsetting at times. Perfectly natural response IMO. I really would recommend Dr Green's book. We've lent it to friends and family too.

MIL witnessed the first really intense meltdown of DS2 last week, and I think it was a bit of an eye opener for her. She asked if it would get easier as he got older and "grew out of it." So I had to point out that it is likely that he may still exhibit this behaviour (as he also has other SNs along with ADHD) but that he will then be bigger, stronger, and harder to contain to calm down. I do think that to some extent the penny dropped for her then. She's a lovely woman, so I don't get cross when she thinks it's going to go away. I'm just trying to slowly explain it to her.

Some family members are a bit about it... I ignore when possible and confront when needed. I think my mum struggles with this a bit, but then she lives abroad and due to health reasons she cannot travel here to see him, so she just doesn't SEE the behaviour. Families are always having squabbles, so dissent happens. I can see,to some extent, why they are puzzled about it when sometimes he seems to be fine (although admittedly not often). They don't realise it's because we microplan everything to allow as little to chance as possible and to deal with every possible issue that might come up.

I do get aggravated at the "ADHD is naughty child syndrome" way of thinking, but some people are just nasty and ignorant and don't care about saying dreadful things to your face, even people that don't know you. It's this behaviour that makes me see red, as I often think "how very fucking dare you judge him? You don't even KNOW him!!" That, for me, is where the thick skin needs to develop.

Sounds like your family coulld be mine Triggles, we have one much more sympathetic set of grandparents. My partner's parents are actually really good with all their grandchildren whether they have SN or not.

My parents are a different story - they mean well I suppose but don't get it and I suspect, unconsiously, don't want to get it either. They have been out of our lives for a long time and haven't seen the struggles we have been through. Now they are more able to be part of things they still don't want to get involved. Heyho, I'm resigned to this now.

If your child does behave 'unacceptably' in public do you tell the onlookers about their problems or just ignore them? Does it make any difference if you do?

Generally I don't explain it. They don't really need to know his medical history. But on the flip side, if we're at a play place or something like that where there are people "monitoring" the children (like play attendants, life guards, etc), I do mention that DS2 has SNs to them and that he may not understand or react appropriately and that while I'll be right near by him, if there are any issues I'd like them to let me know.

But "Mr and Mrs CatsBumMouth" at the supermarket or on the bus that are tutting? Nope. I don't feel the need to explain myself or my son to them at all. I've experienced people that actually EXPECTED me to explain his behaviour (telling them what his SNs were) and this really rubs me the wrong way. I have been sorely tempted lately to simply say "I'll explain his behaviour when you explain yours." But he doesn't KNOW about his SNs, and I'm uncomfortable talking about it directly in front of him, as I'm concerned he'll understand just enough to think something's wrong with him and be upset. (which is another reason why I get irritated when someone asks "what's wrong with him?" I mean really, why do they ask?? it's not their business...) Yes, you can tell this is a sore point for me. Still working on that thick skin.

Hi alder and welcome to the board.

I just wanted to say that i am glad you managed to get a diagnosis for your LO while she is still so little. I dont mean that to say I am glad she has ADHD but that it has been diagnosed.

My Dd1 is 23 and was assessed for ADHD from when she was 4 until she was 9 when they discharged her saying that girls dont really have ADHD and that my parenting style was causing her behaviour

She never got any help at school and we didnt get any support as parents. This sounds like a sob story but it isnt meant to be.

I am just glad things have changed a bit. Dd1 still doesnt have a dx and i believe she does have ADHD along with social communication issues. My youngest child has a dx of ASD, she is similar to Dd1 but not so full on.

Dd1 has lived away from home for quite a long time now but still totally dominates the household when she comes to visit.

Good luck with your LO and ignore what others say, you are doing your best for your child and that is all anyone can do

Sounds like we need to develop that thick skin together!

Hi I needalife, I have some understanding although we have been lucky ds1 was diagnosed with ASD at 4 yrs and then Aspergers at 8yrs. he has some adhd too but we are never too sure if it is just the way his AS comes out when he is anxious because when he is happy and comfortable he doesn't show those symptoms if you see what I mean. Also I think the public perception of Autism and Aspergers is changing even if people don't know what it is exactly there seems to be some curiosity mixed with the total lack of understanding rather then complete alienation and belief that the child is just naughty.

The help thing hasn't changed though, they diagnose then leave you to it. We are really struggling to get mental health involved with DS1. He really needs it but even with the title they bounce you back and forth. Its really frustrating and the reason I feel even more mindnumbed with DD because we started off taking her to the health visitor because she wasn;t talking properly, toileting properly and was getting very tired walking or falling over nothing and here we are with an ADHD label.

Hi my DD is now 5 and has ADHD and dyspraxia. We have to get a private DX as the ed pysch was saying ASD. She cannot be formally assessed on the NHS where we live until she is 6. DD satrted primary school last Sept and her behaviour was terrible throwing chairs hitting teachers etc it was awful we were give ADHD drugs for her but giving them to someone so young did not sit well with me so we changed her diet and gave her supplements of Omega, zinc and magnesium and a multivit. We also followed the principles of the book "The brain food plan" by doctor Robin Pauc. He believes that ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia can be cured I have to say we saw an almost immediate improvement in DD's behaviour and social skills. We changed schools at the same time. DD now has no aggressive or violent outbursts her concentartion is still very poor but we are working on that. She has a statement and a full-time TA in school. We also bought a trampoline for the garden (great for bouncing off energy) and we use her DLA money to send her to gymnastics and swimming to improve her concentartion as well as tire her out.
DD is a ball of energy a whirlwind who never stops for breath but she is happy and loved as is your DD so that is the most important thing.