Come and tell me what a bad parent I am...

[PedanticPanda]

DS is 5 and is being dx for asd. He gets bullied and picked on quite a lot, in the playgound (that's a whole other thread), softplays, parks, and anywhere that kids like to go really and it has been getting steadily worse. Children hitting, kicking, pushing, pulling, scratching him and being nasty towards him.

If I see this happening I deal with it straight away but quite often it is situations where I can't see him like a big park where he just runs off as soon as we get there or a softplay I'm not allowed in, so quite often he comes back with scratches or bruises or upset and then tells me what has happened. He's a really friendly little boy but overestimates friendships thinking everyone is his best friend, and often follows other children around thinking they are friends so I think that's maybe why he is picked on so much, but trying to explain that not everyone wants to play with him is like talking to a brick wall.

Just last week we went to a softplay and two boys who had been throwing balls at him asked an older girl (older to DS would probably be around 7/8yrs old) to hit him too and she pushed and hit him and kept pulling him back not letting him leave the ball pool to get away while the other boys laughed, I was told about it when we got home and he burst into tears. I was at the end of my tether and was really upset that he always seems to get picked on, I always encourage him to walk away and not hit but last night I told DS from now on to hit back if someone hits him.

I don't want him to be bullied, but I know it wasn't the right thing to say to him and feel really guilty about it, come kick some sense into me for being an awful parent encouraging my son to hit .

oh dear :(

have you tried shadowing him? I'm wondering if he is, unknowingly, doing something that is really annoying other children? not that that makes it ok for them to hurt him, but it seems odd that he always ends up getting picked on

I would try and stay with him, that way you can see if there is anything he is doing that you can work on with him, and if it isn't that you can see if anything else is happening that's meaning he gets targetted a lot, and you can also stop things before it gets to the point where he is getting hurt.

My other thought is whether he is very vocal about things being unfair or people not playing with him? DS1 is like this and unfortunately other children often like the reaction they get out of him by winding him up and it ends up escalating :(

it's so hard for them and I feel really sorry for your son

YOU are not a bad parent x

I got to be honest with DS I gave him two rules that if someone hits or kicks him at school to shout as loud as he can at the top of his voice DO NOT HIT ME! I told him to then walk away and give them 3 chances shouting each time, then if no teacher or TA comes walk up and find her, if it continues thump them back As long as he has gone through the first 2 rules then I wont be angry and there wont be a consequence.

In smaller parks and soft plays I follow him and watch him interact with other children and I know he can be quite irritating to older children. He follows them and tries to join in with them but I think he struggles a lot when interacting with them and instead of talking he'll just repeat phrases they say over and over again but very loudly and high pitched voice and will say random words and phrases that wont really fit in with what is happening and I have seen the children get frustrated by him and if they're in a group of two or more then that's where most of the hitting and picking on him starts as he doesn't understand that he's annoying people or they don't want him playing with them.

He stands out quite a bit too when he is just playing on his own, making odd noises and high pitched beeping noises, and wont play with toys and equipment in the right way either which makes children laugh at him sometimes, but then he thinks they're wanting to be friends as he thinks they are joining in and laughing with him

He's far better at interacting with younger children as they don't see anything wrong with the child making strange noises and following them around everywhere iykwim and will just play along, it's when he plays with children 1, 2, 3, 4 years older than him, but encouraging him to play with younger kids instead is almost impossible.

Poor you.

My Ds is 5 and has a Dx of ASD. I have learned to treat him, socially, at his social and emotional age rather than his actual age which means allowing my 3 year old more freedom at soft plays to make friends etc. than my Ds, who needs much closer supervision to protect him, and to be fair, the other children who DO try with him by quickly become intolerant which leads to either a)them walking away, b) them laughing at him or c) them being cruel.

I see it as my job to manage his interactions and encourage them with an odd prompt whilst stopping them just short of distaster.

It's hard work. Very much so. I can't ever relax when there are other Chikdren around. But his social interactions NEED the practice, need scaffolding and then need stopping whilst he is ahead so his confidence does not shatter.

Hth

Speaking as someone who has an explosive Aspie who used to hit back without control and very hard, it can be a strategy that goes very wrong. It will impact hugely on his schooling and socialisation if his default setting becomes aggression.

Thanks coffeepot, I think I'll need to explain again that hitting back is for extreme circumstances where an adult isn't there and nothing else has worked.

Starlight, it's looking like I might have to do the same, how do you explain to your ds that he can't join in with children his age or play on the big boy equipment but instead has to stay with the younger children on the smaller equipment?

You track him and intervene before there's a problem wherever possible.
You select the areas and times with care.

My DS always gets picked on at parks and soft play too. Kids just seem to be able to instantly tell that he is different. He gets hit, kicked, etc - he has even had a girl twice his age try to push him off a climbing frame!

I don't care what people think, I now make sure I can see him at all times. I'm trying to teach him to shout loudly if people are mean to him (but unless they are being violent he doesn't even realise). I have also in frustration told him to hit others, he's a big kid for his age but a real softy - he would never hit another child and has even said in response to me "but I'll hurt them mummy"!

I also sometimes let him play in the younger child section of parks or soft play. He is 7, but socially more like 3, and size wise in age 9-10 clothes. We do get some looks. If there are babies in the little soft play area I don't let him in but if it's quiet I do. I try to time soft play or park for when I know it will be less busy such as straight after breakfast, or just before tea time.

It's so frustrating and upsetting, I really feel for you.

I don't make him only play with the younger, but I do keep the older kid stuff short (whilst still encouraging it where I can).

Like Fallen says, it requires quite careful vigilance and often planning. I know at what days and times our local park has just the right number and type of Chikdren for example, and I take him frequently. Sometimes we might even practice an interaction i.e how you get on a fast spinning roundabout without screaming or pushing over the person spinning it when they don't stop instantly.

People used to think I was an overprotective helicopter parent. They didn't realise it was their children I was protecting. My DS would hit out if taunted, crowded or hit, and he's hit with the entire power at his disposal.
Then he'd continue playing, happy that the annoyance or distressing person had gone away.

Agree with Star and Fallen and the others (except I must admit that I have told my DS that I will not be annoyed if he ever has to defend himself physically). It is crap and unfair and hard work but basically you do have to helicopter at this stage, to protect your child from bad reactions from other children .

I started out trying to teach total pacifism BUT have changed my tune.To be fair my lad won't ever choose to start a fight but sadly I've had no choice but to equip him with the skills to end one. He's a natural runner, rather than an aggresive type.

Caveats:- DS has a 1:1 TA for break & lunch @school (Tribunal won), I helicopter in the background at ALL times. The idea is that adults have PLENTY of opportunity to intervene & prevent any escalation/gently prompt Ds's social skills.

'walk away and tell and adult' - this should sort it & has been the mantra since he was 18 months.
'rinse and repeat 3 times' - this should sort it - added when he got to school age.
'Be the last man standing' - hell if the adults haven't noticed after he's told em 3 times (he has a voice like a fog horn) then I'll back my lad to the hilt. (He only responds to violence, he's not an initiator by temperment).

This year he's had concussion from a couple of girls (that incident was a police report jobby), a lad of 9 was arrested by the robbery squad outside my front door & a lad of 6 tried to sell my mate dope when he popped round to see me. I don't live in the right area to teach acceptable social skills iykwim & I'm buggered if it'll be my lad winds up in casualty iykwim. He only hits back if really cornered.